Individuality is a Myth

I've always hated the idea of having to define myself. The thought of having to condense my entire being into a short bio or choose a picture that best "represents" me is stressful enough to have prevented me from ever trying online dating or even having social media. But in an era obsessed with individuality, when everyone is constantly searching for words with which to define themselves and inventing new ones when the old don't feel quite right anymore (as if things like sexuality and political opinions can ever fit neatly into a defined space), I feel alone in my abstinence.

Other people seem to have no trouble categorizing me. I’ve heard myself described in terms incongruous with my perception of myself (both flattering and unflattering) but said with such certainty that even I begin to believe them, to unconsciously act in a manner that validates them. Snapshot judgements, based on appearance and perhaps a brief interaction, have over time come to mold my being, to the point where it has become difficult to discern between who I am and what others have told me I am.

The trouble is, I am never the same person twice. Not in that I have multiple personalities or change who I am depending on whom I’m with (though I suppose we’re all guilty of this in some small way), but in that I exist in a constant state of flux. I love trying new things, even if only for the experience, and I am always open to new ideas and ways of thinking. And, as most sentient beings are apt to do, I change as I learn. Therefore, my thoughts and feelings are always in the process of evolving, and not always on a directional path.

How do you put a label on something so fluid? To ascribe to a particular school of thought or way of being would only mean taking it all back a few months later, when I inevitably encounter something that pushes my thoughts out of the defined boundaries. Some have attributed my refusal to align to hesitancy or a fear of commitment, and for a long time I believed it. I thought that perhaps the problem was that I hadn’t “found myself” yet, that if I chose a few core values or traits to commit to I could begin the journey to self-discovery. So I tried. I tried to be the alt-girl, wearing all black and rejecting everything mainstream. I tried to be a communist, going so far as to get a hammer and sickle tattooed on my body. I even tried more conventional pursuits, like being a gym rat, being a startender (for those of you unfamiliar with the term, think career bartender with a self-inflated ego and a drinking problem), and for a very brief time, being a sorority girl. Name a character type and I’ve probably tried it. And while every rendition of myself contained some nugget of truth about my essence, I felt none of them fully encapsulated who I am as a person.

I spent years of my life trying on different personas like so many hats, hoping to find one that fit perfectly and gave me the validation I was seeking, but with each wasted effort I felt more and more defeated. I found myself surrounded by people who were younger and yet seemed more sure of themselves than me and couldn’t understand how someone saying “tell me about yourself” could send me to the verge of tears. Then one day, not too long ago, I realized where I was going wrong. I expended so much of my energy seeking words that defined me that I lost sight of who I really am - just a person, nothing more, nothing less.

I imagine life is simpler when you can succinctly communicate to others who you are. It probably makes it easier to weed through the people you meet on a daily basis and determine who you could get along with, gives you a basis upon which to build conversations and prescribed activities in which you could partake in with others. But at the same time, I feel that this cataloguing of self can be a dangerous oversimplification, one that can restrict you to a fixed set of constructs within the established social framework and even lead to bigotry.

Science has proven that language shapes thoughts and crafts reality. Words can help group things, but in doing so, simultaneously create divisions, putting boundaries between us. The words you choose to distinguish yourself shapes not just what others think of you, but also the way you think. The things we take for absolutes like the passage of time, the organization of our family tree and even differentiations of color are all social constructs, delineated by the language we grew up speaking. If you grew up in the Mosuo tribe in China, where all grown men are referred to as “uncle” and the concept of a father does not exist, would your idea of self still be the same? Or if you grew up in Madagascar where the future flows from behind rather than stretches forward, would you still reflect on your life in the same way? When looked upon with this perspective, there are no absolutes in life, even when it comes to yourself. Therefore to define myself in such a manner just seems so rigid and limiting. Why must I be one thing or another? Why is it not enough to just be?

So you tell me, who am I to you? Which of my qualities are inexorably a part of me? Set me apart? What’s left when you strip away the broad generalizations?

Could it be that deep down inside, we're all just the same person?