In Retrospect, Good Things Happen After Bad Endings

Today is one of those days where I wonder whether I’ve done more than enough. I get told this a lot of times by friends and well-wishers that I just don’t know when to stop. I give myself reasons to believe that people deserve chances. The count — doesn’t matter. Or does it?

I don’t know if I seek approval, but I know that I have a habit of disclosing my slightest, most insignificant thoughts. One person really believed I could achieve whatever I told her I wanted to do. Had it not been for my aunt’s trust and encouragement, I wonder which path I would have taken in life. Would I have visited a path close to depression again? I never know! Am I ashamed of my mental health challenges? Why is it that this was never discussed in what I thought could have had the potential to be a relationship? How well did that guy know me? Did he even care to find out? I know things about him that I wish I didn’t. But did he really know me? I think not.

That’s okay, though. Because it is over, and I am moving on to connect with my inner voice again. It is not second nature to me yet. I would admit that I was looking for some kind of distraction, because anything is better than dealing with the plain reality of my existence at this point in time. I am here, ready to reimagine my future, willing intentionally to carry the whole of my being into it. Not half, not a quarter. I thought so little of myself. I didn’t even care how little. I thought this was normal, and just the way I was supposed to be. Everyone seems to be responding to me fine. It only took a shock to shake that belief! Still, why did it have to get so bad before I decided this was bad enough? I would have answers to my question, but not now. For now, I grow, trusting fully in my future self — to see her, to embrace her, and to be enough with her.

Loneliness scares me. Loneliness is promised to me in my foreseen future. That’s why I am hesitant to walk towards it. It is a reality, however, that I cannot escape from. I can only hope that things change, because I am changing. Different changes will bring about a different personal reality. That’s what I have been teaching myself for the last two years. The time now has come not to think this in theory, but to live this in reality. It was God’s protection that a relationship that wasn’t serving me, ended. It was God’s protection that I was shown disrespect. Had it not been for those things, I would have stayed. This life is short. Regret shouldn’t be a part of it. A purpose should be driven from anything that happens in life. What, then, is my purpose in my lonely future?

Do I jump from one bad experience to another? I know healing should happen. Therefore, I should remain still, and let healing find me. I should be open to remedy my heart, and to make peace with my inner child. How terribly sorry I feel for her! How terribly she wanted help! No one saved her. But I am here now! I can change that narrative. I can give her a chance for a better future. If not for anything else, I can derive meaning in the years she has left as an adult to live her best life yet. I have to try! And try, I will!