In My Place

The many “justices” of the 21st century that birthed the infinite dissatisfaction with the everlasting now, seem to be on course, headed straight for the inevitable never. I don't know what that means, someone said it to me in a dream. Have you ever thought that “never” and “forever” are the same place and neither one exists? What are we doing? Is it just me, or do we all seem to be be falling apart? On the inside, I feel like we look like we're all being held together by decrepit duct tape, stained with perpetually coagulating blood from wounds that we never allow to scab over? It seems to be losing its adhesive but still maintains its tackiness.

Our traumas are all ‘jerry-rigged’ to be fixed at a later, more convenient date that’s in a permanent state of “to be determined”. It’s like fixing a bursting water pipe with bubblegum and dental floss and thinking, with all the confidence in the world, “yeah, that’ll hold”. I sit here amazed at how people can keep their voices, with all the screaming that they do, and the frustration they must feel from never being heard. I’m shocked at the audacity, that some people possess, to yell at strangers about topics of which they know frighteningly little. The conviction that they can convincingly display without knowing who in the ever-loving-fuck they are, would be highly praised and award-worthy if they were actors.

I dislike being asked where I stand and who I stand with, but the accusatory question comes up more often than not. I feel that people have become so concerned with going LEFT or RIGHT, that it seems they forgot that they can move FORWARD...which feels like a big step BACKWARD and I’m not DOWN to put UP with that kind of thinking. Sometimes I think I’m clever...then I read what I’ve written aloud and immediately feel like a caricature of a bad slam poet in a shitty coffee shop in a boring ’90s sitcom.

I don’t drink coffee anymore. Who would’ve thought that years of drug abuse could blow out your adrenals and prevent you from enjoying coffee? Or coffee and cigarettes? Or life in general? I’m not depressed, I just live in the absence of happiness. “Apathy!” People love to exclaim. I’m not apathetic, that would be pathetic. “Contrarian!” People love to label things. On the contrary, I care very much about all sorts of things, maybe even some of the things you care about.

The scales are just so unbalanced. People feel prosecuted for embracing who they are, I can feel that. Children are put in cages for being born somewhere they didn’t choose. I don’t understand that. People felt that the cost of living didn’t match up with how low their wages were, so the wages were raised along with the cost of living, and I’m supposed to pretend that it all makes sense.

I dislike being asked where I stand and who I stand with, but the accusatory question comes up more often than not. I tell people that I try to stay away from conversations dealing with Religion or Politics because I’m not intelligent enough to see the difference. Sometimes it’s “fair enough” sometimes it’s “not enough”.

“Apathy!” People love to exclaim. “Contrarian!” People love to label things. On the contrary, I care about many things, most of which don’t concern you. Where do I stand? I don’t know where I stand, I’m just trying to get by. Life is hard. Money is scarce. The success of a romance is more dependent on me than it is on "Us".

Who do I stand with? I try not to stand with those who need that question to be answered to better determine whether or not I contribute to the standard to which they hold their social identity. I don’t hate anyone, but I’m not obligated to like anyone. I don’t hate the world, but I’m not obligated to like the state of it. I don’t want to die, I’m just over Los Angeles.

The line between ‘Realist’ and ‘Pessimist’ tends to get blurred at least half as much as the line between ‘Anger’ and ‘Sarcasm’. Probably because one informs the other. I don’t view myself as an inherently negative person, but others aren’t obligated to agree with me.

I have a memory that my mind loves to reference when I think about the state of the world. I was 5 years old at a video store, looking to rent ‘Masters of The Universe’ for the 4th time. Beside me was an elderly man wheezing heavily into an oxygen mask and being propped up by a cane in one hand and his tank in the other. I’d already been hospitalized for asthma attacks several times at this point and I could feel myself needing to use my inhaler just by staring at him.

I remember feeling overwhelmed with guilt, helplessness. I turned to my mother and told her that I wished I could "just hold the man’s hand and make him breathe better". The man heard me and outreached his hand to give it a shot. I held it and put every intention I had into giving him just one painless breath. He let go of my hand to remove his mask, took in a deep, whistling, breath, and then looked me in the eyes and said “thank you”. He didn't sound better, but he looked like he felt better.

For a moment, I thought I had superpowers. For a moment, I thought I truly made a difference in someone's life. I smiled at the man, walked away with my videotape, and heard him coughing in the back of the store. He tried to hide it as best he could.

When I look at the state of the world, I see beautiful, well-intentioned, empathetic children who want to help those in pain. Or I see those in pain, pretending to feel better because the intentions of others were sweet. When I look at myself, I know I'll always be one of the two.