I Want to F**k You Like An Animal

"I want to feel you from the inside..." Closer by Nine Inch Nails, the quintessential Valentine's Day Song. So how did it become an anti-anthem? Some might argue my first point, but I mean when someone tells me that I bring them closer to God, well hello...I'm heavenly right? That's pretty nice. The problem is, the rest of the song, and the person singing it I suspect, is an F*ed up mess...and so welcome to my love life.

I was a gorgeous super modely kind of person before some weird twist of metabolic fate hit me like a lightning strike and I ballooned up. Now I have to love my curves and flaunt my fat ass in see-through nighties and be like... "if Lizzo loves it, I love it too"...but let's be real I don't love it. I mean I try to love it because on a whole I love myself mostly, but that fat ass part, well not so much.

So...if you said you wanted to f**k me like an animal in my current state of fatassness, well damn...okay. Add to this, a fun fact, I'm a romance ghostwriter and I write about people getting their groove on all the time. My boss wants graphic, so I tell every single little detail about the hero and heroine's many f**king escapades.

These perfectly amazing women fall and spread their legs for shitty rich men who then… “Oh my dear lord” said in the throes of euphoria...become perfect husbands to fake married wives, and doting dads to “oops surprise” babies. And we all swoon and pour through the pages and drop .99 cents over and over again just to hit that orgasmic moment when we CHANGE THAT MAN! And then he's all prince charming with a penthouse, a massive manhood that he pistons well, and an unending waterfall of money, money, money. When in truth, sucky men are just sucky and they stay sucky.

There are good men out there, good decent fellas whose moms and dads raised them right, but if someone says...

"I broke apart my insides

(Help me) I've got no soul to sell

(Help me) the only thing that works for me

Help me get away from myself..."

RUN!!!!!!!!

That man honey, the one that says you complete them, that man is never ever gonna change, not unless he decides to get a shitload of therapy and loves you enough to make it stick.

So, I've pretty much given up on Valentine's Day and if I did have a lover, I'd probably just laugh on that day and stay inside and screw, saving money on overpriced dinners and the heartache of trying to get reservations, depending on if we ever come out of our Covid bubbles.

Truth is love is so simple and yet also complex. Love is communication, laughter, heartbreak, and undying desire to constantly evolve with the person who should be your forever go to.

" Through every forest

Above the trees

Within my stomach

Scraped off my knees

I drink the honey

Inside your hive

You are the reason

I stay alive "

....that isn't love.

But f**king you like an animal is...if passion is your thing. So is talking like a scholar, communicating like an engaged partner, laughing like a kid, playing like a teenager, adventuring like an explorer, analyzing with a scientific wonder, and being closer to whatever your God is. That is love and every single one of us will find that love...I guarantee you every one of us does have a Valentine’s Day lover...

OURSELVES!

...and maybe somebody else too, if they are ever lucky enough to get a piece of our fat asses (assuming your ass is as fat as mine)! Cause through all this time without a lover, writing about lovers f**king, I’ve learned to love...ME! My fat ass is sexy as is my mind and my heart. F*ck Valentine’s Day it’s not for lovers. Lovers enjoy the quiet moments, the gentle hush of discovery and the majesty of every day. Lovers don’t need to be told to love, they just do and that includes...loving ourselves!

Happy Valentine’s Day Me. I love you, you are an incredibly beautiful person, inside and out. I sure as shit wanna f**k you like an animal, cause you make me so happy...just being you/me...and you do bring me closer to God, or the Blue Fairy, or whoever is out there because we are on this earth together just doing our thing and I love it...and I love you/me...forever.