I Thought We Were Just Friends

It was the 90's. I had no idea what love really was. I was insecure, unstable and unhappy. It was a Thursday night and I had been sleeping in a shelter in the park, at a time when I was going through some issues. I wasn't alone, I was with several friends, playing music, listening to them talk about guitars (often the main topic of conversation with these friends!).

It was my third night on the street, and I was already in an early relationship which had only been going on for a few weeks.

My friends brought another friend with them. He was small, with shoulder-length dark curls, and blue eyes and he wore a black leather jacket. He was medium build. To start with, I wasn't too sure of him.

I got the impression that all he wanted to do was drink and think about guitars because that is what these friends did most of the night. I felt ignored for about twenty minutes of that night anyway.

I was tired, hungry and thirsty. The argument I had before ending up on the street had left me majorly shocked, hurt and very upset. I spent most of the night very quiet.

That was until midnight

When midnight came; I was freezing cold and shivering. I was very uncomfortable sleeping in that shelter. I was restless and I couldn't sleep either. I suddenly burst into tears and I needed someone to talk to, though I felt that nobody, not even my then-boyfriend would understand what I was going through; nor did I feel that he would understand what had just happened to me.

I quickly dried my tears so nobody could see them.

I couldn't understand it myself. All I know is that I had just lost someone to death who I was greatly fond of, and I felt like I was grieving by myself. That was hard enough to deal with, without this.

I wasn't even sure at the time that I and my boyfriend were actually in a relationship as such, because things happened so fast. He asked me to move in, though I turned it down because I felt it was too early; and I was scared of being abused because I was already going through a lot of abuse that was being perpetrated on me by many different people.

Due to the nature of the abuse that I was suffering. I felt awkward discussing this with my then-boyfriend.

I was getting fed up with feeling restless and tearful. This new friend was the only person there who noticed the state I was in:

"Are you o.k.?" he asked me.

In fact, he was the only one out of the group who asked me that question.

I nodded quietly.

I really wasn't o.k.

I was scared and ashamed to show my feelings which were a mixture of feeling upset and feelings of confusion at the time. I was afraid they would laugh if I showed my true feelings after all this happened to me all the time.

Despite denying my true feelings, I think my friend picked up on the fact that I really did not feel o.k. because he asked me over and over again that night

. He was also very watchful and protective of me. He noticed that I was cold so he gave me his jacket to help me stay warm.

My friend must have caught on to my feelings of loneliness because he asked me about music and about the songs I liked. He then asked if there was anything he could play that would make me smile.

I chose the two following songs:

Pink Floyd: The Wall. Curtsey of youtube. (Accessed By Author Dated 08/06/2022)

Led Zeppelin: Stairway To Heaven. Curtsey of youtube (Accessed By Author Dated 08/06/2022)

I wanted to go for a walk because I couldn't sleep. Being on the streets after years of having a cosy warm bed made me feel sad, and I wasn't used to it at all. It made me feel terrified to shut my eyes, and the cold chill did not help me. I felt angry because my boyfriend chose not to stay with me that night.

I hadn't been with my boyfriend long, and I was in a bad place. One thing I realize as I reflect back is that my boyfriend did not love me enough to ensure I was safe that night.

I and my friend talked for what seemed like hours. He chose to walk with me because he wanted to make sure that I was safe.

During that walk, I ended up kissing my friend which was unusual for me, as I didn't do that kind of thing in general.

This kiss left me confused and dazed; I didn't understand how we had got to this stage, though afterwards we still remained close.

I never told my then-boyfriend. I felt uncomfortable talking about it. However, after so many days on the street, I moved in with him. I stayed with him for quite a while, though my relationship was extremely problematic and I wanted out after a while because it was more of a love-hate relationship.

I struggled hard to get out of this relationship, mostly because of fear and because my self-esteem and confidence eroded.

I saw my friend a few times whilst I and my boyfriend were together as we were all good friends. It felt awkward because I had a boyfriend and had a girlfriend at the time. My eyes kept locking with him and I found it increasingly difficult to keep my feelings under control around him.

Every time we met, I felt a spark and he did too. However, I didn't realize how much I liked my friend because it was complicated by my already turbulent relationship which left me not understanding love. I thought love was meant to be complicated and at times abusive, because that is how all my past relationships and friendships were, so I put up with it for a long time.

This friend was caring, affectionate and supportive of me in every way, he stood up for me and helped me with all kinds of things. It felt like I was able to open up with him more and be with him more than the boyfriend I was with at the time.

I never really felt I was in a relationship with my boyfriend. I felt like a punchbag, and like I was only loved if I behaved or acted on his terms. I felt single, though I wasn't. It felt like a never-ending trap and I was constantly falling through a dark tunnel with no escape as I had nowhere to go, and children to think of.

My friend sawwhat was happening to me, and he did not like it. He tried hard to get me out of there, though he struggled with me.

The problem was I had become used to being abused. I had no idea what love was which is the truth about why I stayed, besides having nowhere to go.

Today, I had to talk this through with my now husband who I DO love with all my heart, and I find talking about my complicated past with him helps me; particularly as I am still trying to make sense of what happened and there are still many open wounds and unresolved feelings.

My husband used to be a mental health nurse; therefore I found it useful for him to look at this from a mental health point of view with regards to what had been happening to me in the past, as this enabled me to unravel the puzzle.

The two songs in this article, are the two songs I asked my friend to play that night on the streets. He was a huge fan of Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin.

Every time I hear these songs, I start thinking about him, though I did not understand why.

My husband hears me talk about this friend with much affection, sadness at the years that have gone by and mutual fondness. I have more fond memories of this friend than I do my then-boyfriend.

The more we talked; it became clear that I had feelings for this friend in the past. We drew the conclusion that I kept them in because of what I was going through at the time.

When one has been through a lot of abuse, it closes the mind; freezing out real feelings in order to protect oneself from more pain.

We came to the conclusion that I wasn't really in love with my then-boyfriend. I was going through a trauma bond due to the circumstances in which we met.

He then asked me some questions about how my friend made me feel, and I simply replied with:

"I felt like I had known him for years. There was a deep connection that was like electricity running through us. I cared about him a lot, and he showed mutual affection for me. We were happy around each other, protective and loving, and we got on really well. We had much in common, and we could disagree comfortably. I actually fell asleep on his shoulder with his arm around me; though I didn't know about that until morning."

He enabled me to understand that I had been in love with this man who was not my boyfriend.

I thought about this and realized he was right, and that was the real reason why every time I hear these songs; I start thinking about him quite a bit.

I am really happily married today, and I do not believe in cheating. I have no reason to. However, sometimes our feelings can be niave when we are young and we cannot always see the truth before us; especially when our hormones are running wild and we are going through trauma.

I do in truth feel that at the time I chose the wrong man (meaning an ex, not my husband) more because I was already a victim of abuse and sometimes that can cause your head to be all over the place, and your feelings to run wild.

I don't regret that kiss, because like my husband said.

What I had with that ex was not love, it was a trauma bond brought on by abuse that led to further abuse.

I do look back fondly though, even now at the fact that there was someone in my life who thought I was special and made my eyes sparkle at a time when I really needed it. I also think about what might have been.

Every time I hear these songs, they make me smile. I remember more good times from my past in the 90s than I do with any other friend.

I also look back and smile because this was many decades ago and if my friend could see me now; he would certainly be happy for me because I have what he said I deserved.

A man who shows me love, dignity and respect. A man who has pride in me despite my flaws and loves me even though I'm imperfectly perfect.