I Pity the Fool.........Who Doesn't Read This Article

Living up to high expectations is insanely tough, especially these days. It seems like anytime something has high expectations that you can best believe that it's going to be more deflating then a Tom Brady football.

However, it wasn't the case with this film right here. Even with it being some 20 minutes lesser then its predecessors, it's still an hour & a half of incredible storytelling and superb acting.

The film I speak of is Rocky III.

It's time for me to break out my Sony Betamax player and get this movie review going. 

And, we're off to the races. 

In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion's not sleeping tonight because he's roaring and you know what that means; It's an MGM movie teaming up with the folks at United Artists which has a nice-looking logo and a Star Wars like theme. Rock on with your bad selves.

That’s a very beautiful championship belt that Rocky has. What are those? Diamonds? They could be rubies. They might even be some cubic zirconias. 

Remember when HSN used to hock that shit like butter?! Good times indeed.

We start off with a replay of the first movie which showed Rocky’s improbable championship victory.

We see Adrian with a snot booger hanging out of her nose as Rocky tells her that, “he did it.” I didn’t catch that at first. The things you see when you’re really paying attention.

Here we go with the classic “Eye of the Tiger” theme song as we see Rocky running through the “bum of the month” club. Oops! I mean the upcoming contenders. 

We see Paulie tossing back a few beers here. I think Gazzo needs to order homie into a 12 step program pronto.

Clubber Lang is in attendance and he doesn’t look too impressed in the slightest bit. 

Wait a minute! One of Rocky’s opponents is named Big Yank Ball. (Pause) Now if that doesn’t sound like a tomato can then I don’t know what does.

Actually, it sounds more like one of those “actors” from those early 1960's stag films.

Clubber Lang’s like, 

“Are these idiots really cheering this man on after he beat a man named Big Yank Ball” as Adrian’s blowing kisses to her man. 

We get a glimpse of a TWA plane. That was back when they were on top. I wonder if they’re even still in business. 

Nope! They went out of business in 2003. Okay, so this was back when they actually existed. RIP TWA.

Lang is rocking some sweet-looking feather earrings.

Meanwhile, Clubber is literally clobbering fighters within an inch of their lives. He’s living up to his billing. 

His mama named him the right name. Can you imagine if he was named something like Flipper? Just doesn’t sound as intimidating.

We see Lang jogging like his life depended on it while Rocky’s filming commercials for American Express. I wonder if he was still using those dummy cards. 

Rocky has a motorcycle in his house and Adrian’s rocking an expensive fur. Now you know this guys’ hunger has long been out the window. 

How hungry can you be when you’re eating caviar for dinner every night?!

Rocky’s over here rolling around on the ground with Adrian in a park full of daffodils as Clubber’s getting ready to have his opponents pushing up some daisies.

Isn’t that something? Rocky’s banging Adrian in the park while Clubber’s banging out boxers in the ring. I think I’d rather be in Rocky’s position in that case. No pun intended.

Mickey’s sitting there at the fight in complete shock & awe like he’s witnessing the second coming. Clubber sees him there and let’s him know that he wants Balboa. 

The guy giving out the sports news looks like the guy I wrote about it in the Buster Douglas piece I did a few months ago. 

His name escapes me at the moment. I’m pretty sure it will come to me later on. And it just came to me. His name is Jim Hill.

Don’t you just hate when that happens?!

Paulie’s loaded with liquor and has jealousy running through his veins. That’s a very volatile combination.

Paulie sees a Rocky arcade machine and gets pissed. He tosses a bottle of liquor through it shattering the machine and ends up in the slammer.

Yep! That J&B will get you in trouble everytime.

Guess who has to bail him out? Yep, the person that the arcade machine was inspired by, Rocky who’s wearing one helluva suit. Now that’s what you call an immaculate-looking suit.

Paulie and Rocky have words with Rocky ending up calling him a “bum” in a very complimentary way but Paulie still takes offense and comes out swinging.

Rocky blocks all of his punches though. 

This is the first time I’ve seen a man get his ass whipped by another man that never threw a punch. All of this is over the fact that Paulie wants a job and is too prideful to come out and just ask Rocky for one.

I would’ve whipped Paulie’s ass just for throwing that Rolex down on the ground.

Rocky and Adrian are in bed together with Adrian talking about “not tonight; The kid’s sleeping” 

WTF! Baby, we are in a mansion. It’s not just going to be tonight but every night. Now, give me some of that sweet lovin’ gal. Rock doesn’t do that though. 

Instead of hot, bucknaked sex, the couple starts doo-woping. Yayyyy!!!! (in a sarcastic tone) 

Adrian’s timing is turribleee (in a Charles Barkley font) but Rocky has a nice tone to his voice though. His brother Frank isn’t the only musically-inclined member of the Stallone family I see.

Rocky’s getting ready to take on a “young” up-and-coming wrestler by the name of Thunderlips. 

I put young in quotations because when was Hulk Hogan ever really young-looking. 

Him and John Wayne are the oldest 33 year old-looking cats I’ve ever seen. Plus, Hulk had that bald spot already which has me convinced that he came out the wound with a receding hairline.

I bet young Hulk was the only kindergartner with a Hair Club for Men membership.

Thunderlips is being escorted to the ring by some very scintillating-looking ladies. Damn a Thunderlips! I want to get in the ring with those babes right there and show them some real thunder.

I’d be more then glad to do them………for charity and I’m not the only one. Bob Hope would too.

Rocky asks Thunderlips for a polaroid after the fight. 

Now you know this is 1982. Nowadays, it’s about the selfie but back then it was all about the polaroid game. Today’s young people will never understand. 

*Quick note: Back to those ladies that Thunderlips came to the ring with real quick. One of the “women” looked a little too strong-jawed for my taste so I’m going to have to pass on her. Better yet, I’ll give her to Paulie. This is a Rocky III review not The Crying Game review. 

Rocky’s thinking it’s an exhibition while Lips is thinking it’s Starrcade 83'. Mickey’s over there looking like he’s about have a myocardial infarction any moment now. 

I think Rocky should’ve looked after Mickey’s health a little more.

I know the man might talk tough but he’s a softy deep down inside who needs love and to be cared for. 

Speaking of love, there isn’t any in the ring right now as Lips is clobbering Rocky while Clubber Lang watches on.

Lips with the big leg drop. That would become a true staple in his off-screen career.

He also hits a suplex. This has to be the first and last time Hulk Hogan has ever done a suplex in his life. 

The gloves have come off as Rocky hits Lips with a few combos even though it doesn’t seem to have had any affect on the giant. 

I was down on Paulie earlier but I have to give him credit though. 

When Rock was in trouble, he had his back with a chair shot to the back of Thunderlips. Unfortunately, it didn’t do anything but piss him off even more as he knocked poor Paulie into next Friday. 

Rocky with a comeback though. 

First with a sleeper hold to wear the bigger man down. Then he delved out some more combinations. This time, they did have an affect which allows him to scoop up the 300 plus pound giant and slam him over the top ropes.

If this was a Battle Royale then Balboa would’ve been declared the victor.

This was fun and well-done. Now, I’m pretty sure this idea was “inspired” by a few boxer vs. wrestler matches over the years like Gerry Cooney vs Andre the Giant or Muhammad Ali vs. Antonio Inoki just to name a few. 

It was still one a hell of a spectacle but in a good way.

Rocky’s telling his kid a story in a Rolls-Royce styled golf cart. I must say that Rocko has great taste because he has one impressive-looking limo. I’m going to get me one of those one day soon.

Rocky finishes telling his son a bedtime story even though it’s early in the morning. Come to think of it, Paulie was there too. Maybe Rocky’s really reading the bedtime story to Paulie because we all know how he likes to toss back a few brews. 

Anytime is bedtime when it comes to those type of party animals.

Oooh! Adrian’s rather perky in this scene right here. 

I think mama’s not wearing a bra. Talk about coming out of her shell. She went from a tortoise to Michelangelo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Cowabunga dude! 

I think Adrian might’ve seen Deep Throat one too many times but I do wonder how far can she go.

That’s one heck of a mink coat she’s rocking. This woman has really done a 360 and I like it. 

Rocky’s at an award ceremony where they unveil the infamous Rocky statue that everybody would come to know and love. 

Even Mickey’s admiring it and that dude doesn’t like anything. 

I want to show Adrian my statue. I bet mine’s bigger. 

Rocky delivers a passionate “thank you” speech and announces his retirement to his fans’ chagrin when Clubber Lang makes his appearance and sets out a challenge to the retiring champion.

Clubber Lang told the whole truth and nothing but the truth during that whole tirade I must add. 

He also leaves us with one of the coldest scenes in the film.

“Hey woman?! Hey woman! Listen here, since your old man ain’t got no heart; Maybe you would like to see a real man. I bet you stay up every night dreaming you had a real man, don’t cha. I tell you what? Bring your pretty, little self over my apartment tonight and I’ll show you a real man¹.” (29:17–29:32)

The way Adrian looked when he said that to her has led me to believe that she was interested in getting clobbered by Clubbers’ club. Now try saying that three times fast. 

Forget about Mick, Rock! I would be more concerned about wifey over there. Better keep your good eye on her and watch her closely.

Rocky goes and confronts Mickey about what he said at the ceremony. Mickey tells him the truth which is that Clubber Lang would destroy him within three rounds. 

Wow! Mickey was a prophet.

Even after knowing the truth about how Mickey protected him in his 10 title defenses, he still wants to fight Lang. Mickey says that the choice is soley up to him. 

That “Pushin’” song performed by Frank Stallone is rather funky. 

Whoever said that disco was dead didn’t tell the other Stallone brother. You can feel the coke-infused synths in that record. You know folks got buckwild when that song came on. 

Are we headed for a fight or to a disco?!

Say what you want about Paulie but the man’s quite the entrepreneur. He just needs to get his mind right and let that sauce alone. “Lay off the jazz, man” (in a B. A. Baracus font)

Adrian didn’t like it when Rocky let that lady kiss him when he was riding his bike. 

She was like, 

“Okay buddy! You want to pay that game?! What’s Thunderlips' number again?!” 

Oh yeah! She had that, payback’s a bitch and her name is Adrian — -whatever her maiden name was, type of look in her eyes.

Clubber Lang’s training like he’s going to a war while Rocky’s training like he’s going to a porno shoot. 

Rock, you ain’t stepping into the ring with Linda Lovelace. You’re stepping into the ring with Clubber Lang and he ain’t gonna blow ya, he’s gonna kill ya. (in my Mickey font)

I must admit that the piano playing by itself was a cool trick. 

Now, the band not playing a lick of the instruments live was very lazy. What was even more lazy was them being out of sequence during the pretend live performance. They could’ve at least pretended to be on beat. SMH.

Mickey, I’m with you because I'm wondering where the hell all of those bubbles are coming from as well?!

That’s one funky ass bass line with that “Pushin’” song. Rocky’s going to get slaughtered but at least he’s going to get obliterated with a great soundtrack playing in the background. 

Mickey tells Rocky that he’s proud of him. Awww (in a female font) Mickey knows this dude’s going to get creamed worse then Seka in a 70's porno.

Wait a minute?! Did a few of these media folks really just tell Clubber Lang to dance for them before the fight?

If I was Lang, I would’ve told them,

“Motherfucker, do I look like Danny Terrio?! Get that camera out of my face, fool! Uuuuuhhhhh!”

Fight day has arrived as Rocky’s getting a police escort to the ring. 

This man was Goldberg before Goldberg.

Wow! These guys have no respect for the police. Here we see Lang throwing cops over the rails and we had Thunderlips knocking out cops and press slamming them in that exhibition bout earlier.

Mickey gets injured in the scuffle and suffers a heart attack in the process.

I was just thinking; Mickey reminds me a lot of my grandmother. Obviously, my grandmother was wayyy prettier and smelled better but his rawness and authenticity reminds me of her. 

Mickey demands that Rocky head out there and fight Clubber. 

Apollo Creed is introduced to the crowd even though Clubber Lang isn’t too happy to see the former champion. I take it that he wasn’t a big fan of his. 

Lang left Creed with these parting words,

“Yeah! Just like a chicken, you better run².” (42:51–42:52)

Apollo wishes Rocky the best of luck and believe me, he’s going to need every ounce of it.

Adrian’s comforting Mickey as he’s dying. She even takes off her mink and uses it as a pillow so he can rest his head. 

Mr. T was a ferocious-looking dude back then. 

I’m not sure who had a greater aura around them: him or Big George Foreman. Those were some bad hombres. (in a Trump font)

Rocky’s taking it to Clubber in the early stages but it has no effect because the man’s indeed a “wrecking machine” who ran all over Rocky the rest of the round. 

Even Rock knows now that Mickey was right all along. YOU CAN’T WIN ROCK!

Rock goes down in the second round after that merciless beating and Lang is the new heavyweight champion of the world. Uuuhh, uuuhh, uuuhh.

I think Rocky could’ve beaten the count but he didn’t want anymore of Clubber so he stayed down.

Immediately, Rocky goes to check on Mickey after the fight.

Now, why haven’t these folks taken Mick to the hospital yet?!

You don’t need Balboa’s permission to try and save his life. Get that man an ambulance. Geez!

Time is of the essence, my ass! You’re wasting time, fool!

This is extremely sad especially when you see tears streaming down Mickey’s eyes as he’s telling Rocky that he loves him. Then, he’s gone. 

That guttural scream that Rocky lets out is bone-chilling. Stallone really was superb in that scene. 

That’s one hell of a hat that Adrian was rocking at the funeral. 

They’ve styled her down to the t in this film. It must’ve been a mandate in her contract that she didn’t want to be frumpy-looking Adrian anymore. 

We see Rocky outside reflecting on everything that’s transpired in his life & career recently and the cinematography is just breathtaking. 

I mean, the Philadelphia neighborhoods look like complete and utter shit but that camera shot along with the Sun makes it look like beautiful shit though. Shrugs.

Rocky goes and visits his statue and becomes so stricken with anger that he throws his motorcycle helmet at it. 

I’m pretty sure that his 10 successful title defenses feel worthless now because he not only lost his championship but a person that meant so much to him.

It’s tough when you’re on top one minute and the next, you’re in a freefall with no one there to catch you. 

Rock heads to Mick’s gym where he’s joined by a familiar face; Apollo Creed.

He comes up with this idea of training Rocky so he can help him get that edge again and win the title back. 

Speaking of “getting the edge” back, what causes one to lose it in the first place? 

Is it the money? The big houses? The endless amount of cars and women? Is it the fame? Or is it all the above? My answer would be the latter. 

Success is what can lead you to losing your edge when you stop doing what failure taught you. 

Now nobody likes to experience loss but it’s inevitable on this plane but loss is not as bad as we make it seem. 

Sure, when we lose, especially when it’s something we cared so much for, we feel like crawling up in the fetal position and crying like a newborn stricken with colic. 

But as much pain as we’re in, it’s necessary because it’s going to cause you to grow to become better and stronger so the edge becomes sharper then one of those double-edged daggers from that Mr. T children’s story cassette.

I’m taking y’all back tonight. Lol!

Clubber Lang is made aware of Rocky’s challenge for a rematch and dismisses it as it being a challenge and plans on doing even more bodily harm to the former champion the next go-around. 

Rocky and co. head off with Apollo to get that “eye of the tiger” roaring once again. 

That’s if eyes could roar. I know, I know. It makes no sense but you understand what I’m saying, genius. 

Rocky has some loving words for his son before he leaves when I see his nanny and her hands. 

This woman’s hands look like she’s been in a South Carolina cotton field. She has them hauling pulpwood type of hands. I wouldn’t trust her Rock. She's got them ole’ Mrs. Doubtfire type of hands.

Well, the gangs off to Cali. Wait?! Who goes to Cali to train though. Talk about distractions. 

Also, this was back when Cali was Cali so you’re going to see all that beautiful scenery from the ladies with the nice, big round ass-ets walking up and down Rodeo drive. 

You’re better off taking your ass to Utah so you can concentrate. 

What part of Cali did he take them too? 

This looks like skid row Cali. It looks like San Francisco today. All these hobos and winos make 1970's Time Square look like the Hamptons. 

How in the hell is Paulie going to say that this place is beneath him and his sister when they came from a place that makes this area look like the Trump Plaza?!

Apollo takes Rocky around some up-and-coming fighters so he can understand what true hunger looks like. 

Apollo gets tired of Paulie’s lip and offers to button it for him. 

LMAO. Paulie’s acting like he’s allergic to the brothers. 

I’m shocked that he hasn’t started sneezing or breaking out in hives yet. Don’t worry, bro! It’s not going to rub off, doofus.

Ain’t nothing like training in a gym filled with galvanized pipes that leak. Yo, Apollo?! You should really get that shit fixed, man. I’m trying to sweat not get rained upon.

Apollo’s trying to train Rocky which isn’t going too well and Paulie’s not making it any better with his negative energy.

Now Paulie might be a little uncomfortable by his new surroundings but I bet you that Adrian’s feeling right at home right about now. 

I saw a couple of men looking over in that vicinity and I don’t think they were looking at Rocky’s footwork or lackthereof. 

I think they were scoping out Mrs. Adrian and I bet she was looking back at them when Rocky wasn’t looking.

Smh at Paulie calling somebody a bum; How ironic.

Apollo’s doing whatever he can but Rock’s just not into it. His heart’s not in it nor is his soul.

To be honest, Rocky should’ve retired when Mickey told him to. It’s always better to get out too early then it is to stay too late.

Adrian tries to talk some sense into Rocky on that beautiful beach.

It was an incredible performance by Adrian and Rocky held his own as well but there was one problem though; Adrian’s teeth. They’re just……..ehhhh.

If I was Rocky, I would’ve taken back some of that expensive clothing and invested in a new pair of teeth for the misses. 

“Yo Adrian?! What is it Rocky? I got you something. Is it a prada purse or some boots? No, it’s some new teeth."

The least he can do is get her teeth cleaned. Her teeth look like old people teeth and she’s way too young to be having nursing home teeth.

The two share a heart to heart moment and now we’re back in business as those familiar trumpets and horns start to sound. 

Oh, oh! Clubber’s about to get fucked up! 

Now Rocky’s heart’s back in it now. 

I don’t know about you all but that Rocky theme does really get me going. I feel like sparring or running on a beach with seagulls everywhere right about now.

"Seagulls? Mike says he can hear gulls.” There’s some bonus points available for those who can tell me where that line comes from. 

Tonight’s the night of the big fight and this time, they’re at the Garden for the rematch. 

That’s a big crowd. Is this a fight or the 1968 Democratic Convention? Remember to vote Rocky during this election season.

Clubber Lang, even though I've been having the strongest urge to call him Mr T., with one hell of a pre-fight interview especially this part,

Interviewer: “What’s your prediction for this fight?” Lang: “Prediction?” Interviewer: “Yes! Prediction.” (Dramatic pause) Lang: “Painnnnn³” (1:20:04–1:20:11)

Apollo let’s Rocky wear his boxing trunks. I’m assuming that he washed them before he gave them to him. He also lets Rocky know that he owes him a favor after this. 

Smh. People always want something. They never just do stuff out of the kindness of their hearts; There's always some kind of angle at play.

Paulie actually says something nice to Apollo. Walks outside to check the weather because Hell must’ve frozen over.

The announcers are in awe of Clubber Lang as he’s entering the ring. 

The production of this fight is better then the majority of real-life boxing fights. Not the actual fighting but the whole pageantry of everything.

One of the the guys in Lang’s corner looks like a young Reggie Miller or Reggie Theus. Maybe, it's just a guy named Reggie.

Rocky takes it to Clubber and owns the whole first round. 

He’s showing that tonight won’t be a repeat of last time. 

Mr. T should’ve won an Oscar for his performance in this film because he was amazing.

Wait a minute! Did Rocky just spit all over Paulie? I think he did that on purpose because I didn’t see a spit bucket in sight. 

The second round starts and Rocky’s picking right up where he left off. Oh, oh! Clubber starts landing some clubbing blows as he takes over knocking the challenger to the ground. 

They made Clubber’s punches sound like shotgun rounds.

Rocky gets up but only to get knocked down once again by the champion Lang. 

This match would’ve been stopped in real life.

I think those vicious knockdowns must’ve knocked some sense into Rocky because he has devised a plan. He knows Clubber’s running low on gas and is too stubborn to slow the match down and pace himself.

Also, Lang’s giving it all away from all that huffing and puffing he’s doing in the corner. 

I have to reiterate how beautiful the cinematography is in this film. 

When they show Rocky taking a beating, they do a perfect job with the music of making you feel the angst and the horror along with all those who are cheering him on.

Rocky’s doing his very own reindtion of the rope-a-dope style.

Now Rocky goes in for the kill and lets an onslaught of punches loose on the champion. It looks like Lang could fall any minute and down he goes.

Lang isn’t able to answer the 10 count and we have a new champion as the crowd goes wild. 

I was just thinking; Lang never got his rematch with the Italian Stallion. I wonder why. 

Maybe, Rocky didn’t want to get creamed again like he did before.

Now it’s payback time. 

Apollo calls in his favor on Rocky which is another fight between the two gladiators. Ding! Ding! The fighters come out throwing haymakers. In the Creed movie, Rocky reveals that Apollo won that fight. 

I only wish we could’ve seen it. 

Well ladies & gents, this is the end of tonight’s telecast. I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. 

Until next time. (in a Bryant Gumbel font)

Roll credits.

References

1. Rocky III. Dir. Sylvester Stallone. Chartoff-Winkler Productions & United Artists (1982) 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment (United States, 2015) Blu-Ray (2015)
2. Rocky III. Dir. Sylvester Stallone. Chartoff-Winkler Productions & United Artists (1982) 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment (United States, 2015) Blu-Ray (2015)
3. Rocky III. Dir. Sylvester Stallone. Chartoff-Winkler Productions & United Artists (1982) 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment (United States, 2015) Blu-Ray (2015)