I never told you.

You changed my life.

I never told you how much it hurt to know that we would eventually part ways. There was always this silent heartache that lingered when we embraced. Your hand in mine never felt like home. It was like a skeleton, holding onto the something I knew would die.

It felt wrong but also so very right. There were no words to explain the contradiction of love and hate. I loved you for your smile, witt, and the old fashioned butterflies in my tummy. But I hated you for the confusion, lack of action, and loneliness it produced.

And even as I moved forward in the direction meant for me, as much as I wanted you here, I knew you did not belong. The words "I will see you when I see you" were said so confidently, however I knew they were not to be true.

The tug of war between my head and my heart created a confusion of what was real and fantasy. I knew what I saw but I created a vision that was obviously blind to you.

Am I selfish? I struggled with those thoughts. Was it wrong of me to expect that you would jump through hoops to stay in a small fragment of my life? Did I speak up? Was I clear? Did I matter?

But that’s just it. I did not matter. Nor did you.

What mattered was we met at a space in time that collectively brought something bigger that I still cannot quite comprehend.

“Stop trying to figure it out,” I tell myself. What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours. That’s all we need to know.

I never told you but I held on for a little while. I would see you in the faces of strangers. I would hear you in conversations and jokes. I felt you in my dreams.

I never told you how angry I was but equally I appreciated you. You brought out a version in me that needed to show up.

I never told you how many times I wanted to hear your voice. The moments I longed for something familiar.

I never told you that I wished you well and hoped you found your happiness. That I know you too were on your own journey and I was not meant to take up space. My presence was not meant for you.

I never told you that somehow I always knew you were just a snippet of what was to come. A preview of what was to be. A deeper understanding of what I needed to know.

There was an intense purge of everything within myself that needed attention. You shined the light on what was dark and I was forced to face it, once and for all. The healing that took place because you mirrored the pieces of me that I did not want to see.

I never told you that every now and then you have crossed my mind. And while I don’t necessarily miss you, you still exist quietly in my thoughts.

Perhaps I’ve come to realize it is the words that were never said that hurt the most. I played my poker face and masked the most vulnerable parts of myself because I did not want you to see. Deep down I knew it was not your burden to carry.

Of all the souls in this world, I have to say I’m glad it was you that showed up. And maybe one day I'll be able to tell you all the words that I never did get to say.