I’m Not Cold — I Just Don’t Perform Emotionally Anymore

Lately, I’ve noticed people calling me “cold.”

Not with cruelty. More like confusion.

They say it when I respond simply, when I don’t over-explain, when I don’t mirror their emotional urgency.

“You’re not as expressive as you used to be.”

“You don’t seem like you care.”

“You’ve changed.”

And they’re right. I have.

But not in the way they think.

I’m not cold.

I just don’t perform emotionally anymore.

I no longer over-share to earn closeness, over-respond to feel valid, or over-feel just to prove I’m real.

🔹 1. I used to put my heart on display

There was a time when I made my feelings big and loud—not because that’s how they naturally showed up, but because I thought it was the only way to be understood.

I thought I had to prove I cared.

So I worded my texts extra soft.

Cried openly, even when it made me uncomfortable.

Extended empathy even to those who didn’t deserve it.

Looking back, much of that wasn’t emotional generosity.

It was fear.

Fear of being misread. Misunderstood. Unloved.

So I exaggerated what I felt—hoping someone would finally get it.

See me. Stay.

🔹 2. Performative emotion is exhausting

It’s one thing to feel deeply.

It’s another to constantly show it, especially when the showing starts to feel performative instead of honest.

I went through seasons where my vulnerability felt like a one-person show:

I’d open up.

Express.

Reveal everything.

And still walk away feeling unseen.

I began wondering:

Why am I working so hard to prove I feel?

It’s not real connection if it only exists when I perform my pain.

🔹 3. Now I feel more than ever — I just don’t need witnesses

These days, I feel deeply. Maybe even more than before.

But it’s quieter now.

I cry alone and don’t record it in words.

I celebrate in silence.

Sometimes I grieve and don’t send a “just so you know” text.

Not because I don’t feel.

Because I don’t owe everyone access to that feeling.

My emotional world is no longer public property.

There’s peace in that.

Power, too.

🔹 4. People mistake regulation for indifference

When you stop reacting immediately, people assume you’re detached.

When you pause before responding, they think you don’t care.

But I do care. More than ever.

I’ve just learned that emotional reactivity isn’t intimacy.

Sometimes it’s chaos.

I’m learning to regulate before I respond.

To pause.

To be intentional.

Not every emotion needs to become an external event.

And if that makes me look “cold”?

So be it.

🔹 5. Emotional clarity comes with boundaries

These days, I no longer beg to be understood.

If you can't feel me unless I'm unraveling at your feet, maybe you're not as close to me as you think.

Sometimes the clearest feelings express themselves in the simplest ways:

A soft “thank you.”

A quiet exit.

A boundary calmly held.

A “no” said without bitterness.

No fireworks. No mess. Just honesty.

🎯 Final Thoughts

I haven’t stopped feeling.

I’ve stopped externalizing everything I feel.

I don’t over-perform joy, grief, confusion, or love.

And maybe you’ll call that cold.

Maybe it bothers you that I’m not crying where you can see it.

Or explaining myself in five paragraphs like before.

But I no longer perform tenderness to prove I’m worthy of care.

I know I care.

I know I feel deeply.

And I don’t need an audience for that anymore.

I’m not cold.

I’m just calm.

And calm doesn’t always clap loudly.