i kissed my bully on the mouth

It’s called cuffing season for a reason…

and that reason -isn’t romantic -at all.

what a visual. to describe one’s falling in love. “well I had my handcuff on and I liked her alright so I locked her in the other one and I guess we’re doing this now !”

yikes. and yet...

I do it every year. Many of us do but I can only speak from my personal experience of looking at a set of furry handcuffs and somehow seeing an entire life and future with a person.

Every year, during the holidays, I look around me and I see so much beauty and generosity and presence and I see so much joy and then... I somehow convince myself it's worthless unless I'm sharing it with someone that I want to hug and kiss and hold and ultimately , most likely, be at least slightly disappointed by.

It is my ritual of winter, as it seems, to fall blindly in love simply to be in love during the holidays.

You've heard the term rose-colored lenses ? Well, mine are snow covered.

My vision is not just tinted it is COMPLETELY GONE, FULL BLACKOUT, AND I SHOULD NOT BE MAKING DECISIONS- about my body or my heart- during the holidays. Especially when it's cold, especially when "I'll be home for Christmas" is playing on the radio- especially when there is a girl and she has dimples and she is clearly hurting from something that has nothing to do with me but I believe I can heal FOR her.

So anyway, that's how I ended up at the bar, hurting over someone else, kissing a stranger who was only able to tell me how hot I was in between making fun of me and trying to make plans to spend the night together. And I knew I didn't like her. Because I knew I didn't like how I felt with her. And she was mean to me.

And still, when the night was over I let her kiss me. Still when I knew I didn't want to kiss her I leaned in. And when she shoved her hard tongue into my mouth I softened to let her in because, it's Christmas, and who can a little affection hurt, anyway?

ME. EVERY TIME.

So this year I want a new ritual, while I've still got time to take the season back. This year I'm falling in love, with life, with an experience, with a place, or as Billie Eillish so wisely stated, with my future.

This is not to say I won’t be smooching. I just won’t be as reckless. In 2026 I’ll let a kiss be a kiss, not a promise, and certainly not binding.

And I’m reminding me what my good friend recently reminded me, “you don’t have to like someone or even be attracted to someone to make out with them, you just have to consent and actually want to make out for whatever internal reason is true for you”

And “do i want a kiss right now” is as far in the future as I’m going because my picker is off and at this point if I like you, it’s a red flag.