I dream a dream of filling the void

So much of life is consumed with

consumption.

Mostly regarding food, although consumption of other material things also sneaks itself in there.

I used food to fill the void. You can use whatever you like

But stay away from the hard stuff.

Like money, and societal conformity.

Go beyond being human,

but I am human physically so trying to constantly challenge that,

Well doesn’t that defeat the point?

Every Guru from here to yesteryear talks about every life being a possibility. What if I don’t want to be a possibility.

What if I want to be an "-ity".

There's constantly so much chatter and noise about how one should be, but where is the noise about the "be"

just be by itself, you know without the 'should be'.

Dang blast all the “shouldsters” to the deepest depths of hellfire.

I wonder if being "just human” is comforting or a tragedy.

Then I wonder why I try to be more, and for who? If the ultimate end is death, then experience life to its absolute fullest.

But then again, if the ultimate end is death, what even is the point of life.

Yeah sure - life is beautiful so:

“Stay in the present”.

“This moment is the only moment that is inevitable”.

“Don’t live in the future since that means you’re hallucinating but don’t dwell on the past because those are only memories”

If the whole point is that there is no point, then why even try?

Is it depression, is it anxiety? Its BPD, its borderline personality, its narcissism, its Britney bitch.

I have been coloured and erased raw so many times I can’t even find the original drawn lines.

I have had so many theories, thoughts, assurances, methods of thinking, values and religious beliefs that have been piled on and vacuumed up to nothing.

Over and over I find myself at base,

At ground zero and at the start.

Even though I start again from experience, I'm just tired of starting over.

How many times do we have to draw on the blank then rip it apart to start again? Until we die. And then what?

Dissolution is the aim - so why did the opposite happen? Why did we go from order to chaos and in between and back and forth and then round and round and where even in this cycle am I?

Am I a butterfly dreaming it is a human?

Or am I a fish dreaming it can walk on land?

I am not the body, I am not the mind. So why do I have either. What is karma, why do we have it?

Why do we have constantly try to get rid of it?

I can never grasp universal singularity in my brain because I have the dull intelligence of a basic bitch.

“But individuality isn’t a thing”, he says. “We are all a collective consciousness"

What does that even mean?

I don’t know if there’s any answer that would satisfy.

I am insatiable.

There is no food, or story, or theory, or god, or prayer, or answer, or hug or intimacy or fantasy or wild sex that seems to fill the void.

Maybe I am the void. A void of consumption. Consuming edibles, relationships, theories, coping mechanisms, distractions.

Maybe I just consume until I can’t consume anymore. Does a void ever … end?

We know the void can never be filled.

Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Nothing

Nothing

Something starts from nothing.

But then we go back to nothing anyway.