I didn't come to see you, I was wrong.

I know you've been watching and waiting for me to come since morning.

For over a month, you must have waited anxiously, just like in your last days, in the hospital, when you called my name out loudly over and over again just as I walked away for a few steps. You were lying there, alone, eagerly waiting for me to come and talk to you.

How you wanted to know about your son's new college district, where you were supposed to leave your happy smile and cheerful laughter. How you wanted to know how well your little one did on his exams at the end of first grade, how you wanted to kiss him on the cheek and say, "Baby, you were great!".

But you couldn't make it, and I, surprisingly, didn't show up.

In the morning, it rained heavily one after another, and although it was summer, the continuous rain of the past few days penetrated deeply into your body and was so bone-chillingly cold. You don't know that I watched the weather forecast over and over again, thinking of bringing two more plastic bags to put on my feet, your grave must be very muddy. I heard you pretend to be relaxed and said to me that the sky would be clear in the afternoon and we could talk quietly without the sound of rain.

At noon, the rain stopped and you must have smiled. Although we cursed the cruelty of the heavens, it was a time to thank it, to finally see me and finally, we could talk. Although my voice is low and choked when I speak, even I can not hear myself clearly, although you hate me smoking one after the other, tossing themselves to haggard and old, full of white hair. You know I'm a loser, no good, but you will give me a hug like that time, you will say: "It's okay! Who cares!".

But I didn't come, I was distracted talking to someone, I even screwed my head and bit my lip hard when he suddenly crossed the door, I didn't know who sent him, could it be that cursed heaven again. You do know that he helped us when it mattered. I don't know if he noticed that I was distracted, sometimes I would suddenly stop talking and look fixedly in front of me, just like a dead tree. And he, still boasting about it. He may have seen my wrinkled eyebrows and watched me rub my temples.

He said, "Did you not rest well last night?"

"Nothing!" I said. I did not sleep well last night, it rained almost all night, I thought about seeing you today, and I thought about what to say to you.

In the afternoon, he always comes! You must think so. Yes, I thought so too, but, I didn't come. Work, the tiresome, nightmarish work that haunts me. I don't know who sent them, but it was that cursed God again! I held back my disgust at my incompetence, my patients that I could barely maintain anymore. But life, one must live, who knows that the calm middle-aged man in front of me, at this moment blood is dripping from his heart!

The dusk is coming, and the light gray but translucent sky seems to be the frost of countless tears condensed. I sat in silence in someone else's car as they talked animatedly about something. I'm going to accompany them to dinner for reasons other than my son's success in graduate school, his happy event, and another happy event.

I sit at the banquet, where I have a seat, and I say what needs to be said, and sometimes make a joke at the right time. Drinking and smoking.

And no one noticed that I sometimes lowered my head and fiddled with chopsticks, and sometimes, tilted my head up to drink, and when the cup fell, my eyes were full of tears.

The wine scattered people returned, the rain came again, cold cold cold, I know, that is your tears