I Can Always Buy Myself Flowers

At the age of, I don’t know, maybe 14; I had envisioned my life to be COMPLETELY different than how it is now… lol

I thought I would have that whole white picket fence, single home, two kids and a whole husband type of life; but oh, quite the contrary. Not to say I’m not happy, content would be more appropriate; but it is lonely doing this thing called life, at my age, alone……. And I’m hoping I’m not alone in this lol

You know, I’m going to be 36 and I have been single for two years and some change. This is really the longest I have ever been single. It’s been quite a journey, a ton of eye-opening moments, a whole lot of WTF moments; sad and happy moments as well, but I’m just done with being single.

Now during these two years I have had much time to reflect on what I really want in a partner, and more importantly, what I deserve in a partner. I also did a lot of healing and regained much of myself from my last relationship. In all honesty, I also tried to put myself out there to see what was out there and ….. man….. I really don’t know what is out there lol.

Honestly, being an Alpha- female is great in many ways, but I’m tired as hell. Having someone to come home to or share news with at the end of a busy day would be amazing; but now a days I’d be so lucky if I got asked what my favorite color is to start. Every conversation I have tried to have has been so surface level its truly mind numbing and if it isn’t mind numbing, you are googling them to see if they’ve been in some weird shit.

I miss being…. Soft. I miss having someone there and maybe catering to me with whatever love language they feel I would need in the moment. Having intimacy on all levels; not just the physicality. I don’t think it’s a thought of weakness to want these things; I feel as if it’s a need to want to be vulnerable after being strong for so long. This also goes for the men as well because I know it isn’t easy for a lot of you out there too.

You would think the older you get the easier it would be to find someone who wants the same things you want; or at least to some extent, but no. If anything, it’s the same if not worse to find someone who is on the same level and who wanted to same things in life or for their future the way you. I find myself wanting to give up and accept the fact I am just going to be the old lady with none of the cats (highly allergic) lol; maybe I am just allergic to men of this day and age too? Who knows lol

My title to this is just that; I don’t mind buying myself flowers, taking myself for a dance, and writing my name in the sand like Miley has sung, but I miss love. I miss someone buying me flowers, taking me for that dance and writing my name in the sand. I miss conversing with an adult about life, about things we both love doing. What I miss the most is just having that initial connection and feeling excited that it could genuinely go somewhere other than the bedroom.

Dating is not the same as it once was, even then it wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t so unrealistically superficial.

So yes I can buy myself all the flowers; but I would also love it if a gentleman came along and did it too.