I Call Her My Magical Unicorn

So let us start from the beginning...

Where am I, what is happening, and how did I end up here again?

It's kind of crazy the effect a boy breaking your heart can do to you. Make you feel like your whole world is falling apart, and at that moment, nothing seems like it can take away the pain.

What seemed like a never-ending fairytale, and then in an unsuspecting instant, it became the zombie apocalypse. What hurts the most was this particular breakup was the first time in my life that I felt what I considered to be true love.

It was the kind of love I always dreamed about but never knew was possible. No effort was necessary, uncomplicated, and indescribable. Love that allowed me to be who I truly am without judgment and love - that I eventually would realize as I took my power back - had never left.

In turn, this made it that much harder to let go since, before this, most of my relationships with the opposite sex have been co-dependent, destructive, and just plain difficult. Who knew this breakup would lead my life to come full circle again with my demonic side coming out to play. The scariest part about it, I sometimes got a false sense of pleasure, welcome to my dark side.

As I was going through the motions of this massive breakup, my life felt like my magic carpet stolen from me, and I was falling head first onto concrete. Yes, it hurt! Months go by, still feeling the heartache, getting to a point where all I wanted to be a quick fix to heal my pain like a heroin addict after his dope, just wishing to nod out.

To make matters worse, I had to move back home to a toxic household of mental abuse and alcoholism, which I fought so hard to never be in this situation ever again. Old patterns of comfortability I've been conditioned and deeply ingrained to most of my life came to arise.

Addicted to behavioral tendencies of a self-pity party of self-destructive behaviors, yet grasping and holding onto what feels like protection. I was going to my darkest places of suicidal thoughts, ending up in toxic relationships of drugs and alcohol, mirroring what I was dealing with at home and using sex as manipulation to make easy money for not so easy deeds.

With my current situation familiar to me, I wasn't able to face it alone and needed help. Luckily I innately knew light existed to the polarity of the darkness, and there is always hope. That hope came in the form of a woman I never met before, Ellen.

Ellen and I crossed paths a little over a year ago when I only was able to focus on the darkness that I didn't know at the time, and I had created in my world around me. With a friendly introduction, Ellen and I began chatting a few times a week. She became my strength when I was weak, my clarity when I was confused, and my heart when I needed love.

Together we realized that I was faced with the inevitable battle of my shadow self. Psychologist Carl Jung describes it as our unconscious part of personality primarily composed of what we consider to be negative that our conscious ego doesn't like to recognize. In other words, it's the part of us that we don't want to show the rest of the world and try to keep at bay.

My open wounds of vulnerability at the time gave my shadow self a perfect opportunity to hunt me down like an apex predator after its prey. Sneaky yet functional, it seems to show itself in different ways at different times in our life. It is giving the ultimate universal lesson to see what you have learned.

How would I describe it?

Toxic? Yes!

Comforting? Agreed!

How can a toxic comfortability coincide?

Easy to fall into and even harder to admit, for I have seen the dark more than the light. I quote Marianne Williamson, "It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us," and that's the damn truth; well, it has been for me. Blessed to have that glimpse of light and inner knowledge that never left me, just dormant under the surface, this became my anchor. The light that exists in all of us from the moment we are born.

Determination to get back to a place of self-love, and with the guidance of Ellen, I began the process of self-surrender, learning to love all aspects of myself. I stopped fighting and found that there was no more need for this addiction. It's easier to become friends and coexist instead of running from it. Being kind and not punishing myself for taking a step backward, this too has a purpose.

Ellen has helped me take my power back and baby steps towards a world that is not against you. Through my traumas, she has guided me to consciously learn and be grateful for the teachings they have shown me. With this, she has helped me be able to give back and share my unique gifts with the world and help, particularly women, know the past doesn't define them, and at any moment, we have a choice to choose differently.

Not only has she become my support system and biggest cheerleader on my ongoing journey, but also a friend and someone I can genuinely trust. I call her my magical unicorn because she is just that, bringing light and magic to every situation.

She helped me realize that the love I had in my relationship was never outside myself and came from within. This was a massive shift for me to realize that love that I was fighting for so desperately never left. This love from within allows me to be fearless, and in my darkest times, guided me to the light and. Love that in the purest form is effortless, and what leads us to true happiness and bliss.

Ellen has helped me rewrite my story that I have been telling myself most of my life, that I am not worthy. She is someone who has brought out the best of me and continues to help me grow. An amazing woman who has inevitable, changed my life and continues to do so. She is a woman of her integrity and challenges me to be in mine—a woman of compassion, empathy, and understanding. I am forever grateful because without her entering my life, I don't know where I would be.

She continues to be a complete blessing and helps me create the life that I want and deserve — always pushing me to be a better human to others and myself. She is a force who continues to challenge me and inspire me. I am beyond grateful to have her enter my life, and I'm excited about what she and I will discover next.