I Am She

She was in High School and much like her peers, she was trying to find her way in life. Holding down a pizza shop job, making that teenage moola. Driving around in the little, red Suzuki Esteem. It was a stick shift, so of course she felt like a badass. Marlboro Red sticking between her fingers and a bowl in her lap.

Her mother never understood why her daughter started smoking, as she herself is a non smoker. I suppose that’s what you get when you expect your children to be just like you, confused and slightly disappointed. That is, if you refuse to accept who they are instead of who you want them to be.

Her brother had entered the military. Wanting to follow in his footsteps, receive free college and please her mother; she also entered the military, a little while later.

It was the summer between her Jr. and Sr. year. 17 year little girl, being sent off to “relaxin’ Fort Jackson”. Well that’s what they liked to call it, but there was nothing relaxing about it.

Now the drill sergeants job is to train newbies to be physically, mentally and emotionally ready for war. I don’t think her 17 year old brain put two and two together. She kept seeing the weak weed themselves out with each passing week; with each passing stage of training.

Depression had set in, as boot camp continued to challenge her. She felt defeated two-thirds of the way and began giving up. She reached the point of no return when she had a so called “battle buddy” tell her during a very physical challenge “I would not want you to be my battle buddy”. In that moment, to keep from looking weak she stayed silent and just gave a half assed grin. I mean, what do you say to that? She’s sitting there struggling to breath, exhausted and trying to make it through the day, when your dumb ass comes in with such brutal honesty. It was a definite slap in the face. Almost like saying “you just worked your ass off but you still suck”. Ouch!

At some point in everyone’s life, brutal honesty is needed. That battle buddy was a dick, but he was right. She knew she didn’t belong there. So after that, she tapped out and came home to begin senior year.

Ah, senior year. A pivotal moment in everyone’s life. Where you plan out your bright little future. Thinking you’ve got it all figured out and no one can tell you what to do.

Mostly, all she was interested in was boys and partying. Mother didn’t like it. One night she was at a friends house, a forbidden place to be. Mother came to bring her home and a fight broke out between the two. Mother threw her hands up, said “I can’t do this anymore”, left and called up Dad.

The next morning, two cops showed up at her friends house, along with Dad. It was time to leave. It was time for her life to be uprooted once again. You know, because mom found love and love apparently makes you move. So she enrolled back into her old, childhood school. Where she felt like an outsider, again. Like she didn’t belong. Though, her cousin and aunt came to the rescue. Dad said “give her what she wants and let her figure it out”. So she moved in with aunt. Aunts house was bomb for a 17 year old. Smokes, drinks, herbs. It was the life.

But then senior year came to an end. She enrolled into college, met a boy and thus, adulthood began.