I am a survivor

It was so unexpected when he came into my life, nothing I have ever gone through would have prepared me for what was about to happen in my life.

Here he is so gentle and kind. He was everything I would ask for or want in a man whom I would call mine. He made me feel special with his consistency the attention and commitment the ecstasy. You feel like I thought a man would feel from one’s dream. Our deep conversations grew to us meeting each other’s family then we made each other a commitment to become us as a team.

You worked so hard getting through my guarded walls. I decided to allow it I gave you the keys. You came closer to my heart than anyone has ever came. I wanted to give this love thing a try because you seemed like the perfect guy. You said you loved me, and your actions were side by side, I opened and loved you back, but I would soon see it was all a lie. I was not even looking for this thing people call love because I was doing simply fine. I was happy where I was and worked so hard to be. Yes, I was single and a mother to my team. I was confident and happy, gorgeous and strong. I was full of love and gave it where it belonged. INDEPENDENT I was that strong. I was attractive and rocked my self esteem but never was a bully or mean. My life was where I wanted it to be. I worked so hard coming from nothing I came up for me and my team (kids). I was content, until you showed up and played with my mind, I felt I needed you to complete a void but all a lie. Somehow now a completeness I feel but always was okay before I responded to your wave.

Things slowly started to change; feelings were getting blurry as the lies became a thing. My intuition was alerting me something has changed so I voiced my concerns for you to say I am to blame. You switched up the game and you had me questioning if I was insane. Crazy and insure are what you made me believe I was becoming and put me in a scared state. I cannot believe I gave into your lies made me question who the hell I was inside. I am now believing your lies that are literally tearing me up inside. Your lies continued the hurt was so bad but I knew every time I spoke to you and said your actions aren’t matching your words, you said I was pushing you away every time I spoke and brought up my concern. I was now lost not knowing who I was, was I crazy and insecure. I never questioned none of this about me before. I tried so hard to ignore the red flags because if I brought them up, I knew you would turn and run. I tried so hard all I wanted was our time, but the time is becoming so distant all I wanted was to know why. I did not want to be the reason you were pulling away all I wanted was to be happy like we were in previous times.

As I look back you were slowing taking my qualities, confidence and self-esteem only to build yourself to be like me. You wanted to be me you wanted what I was inside so bad you did not care about any self-human being. The nightmare is beyond rated R a horror beyond belief. You shatter my heart and watched as I was dying inside out. I was whole and you could not stand that coming from an empty individual full of insecurities beyond belief.

You took my power to fill your needs. Now you have a fake image do you feel pleased. how could you fill complete taking from a loyal honest woman who would never hurt you only trying to help you get on your feet. A coward and fake are all I can call you, a wish you had to be who I was, but you will not ever complete. You can never be whole but an ensure fool who plays pretend like a lost empty individual.

I would see your BS and leave you be, but you knew exactly what to say to get me to stay. Every time I allowed this you took even more of me away. You are nothing but a liar and cheater who enjoyed leaving me in pain. All because you wanted to fill your ego while I faded away.

Now you have your followers, making them think you are an innocent man a fake illusion to your story book I cannot stand. You play victim to a hell you put me in. They can believe you lies I will be the crazy villain, but your book is fiction nothing but lies from your emptiness inside. Its so sad you cannot even be honest who the hell you are. Because then if people seen how evil you really are there would be no self-pity from others to fill your ego. I am so sick of your game straight bullshit. You stalked me and played me, and I have never been on the operate of a team. You beat me and played me over again what kind of man puts hands on a woman, let alone one growing your seed inside. You cut off oxygen over 3 times. All this did was allow you to gain more control over me to have me on your chess board. You had full control of me leaving me so lost and nowhere to go. I allowed it to sneak up on me so blinded by your disguise your true intentions were for me to die. I was so scared I feel into a dark place knowing not what to say. I did not want to argue to lose at your game so kept my mouth shut crying in so much pain. I was empty and so weak you took my self-worth even being nothing but a lie you were a snake that bit me leaving your poison with no cure. I loved nothing but a lie a man who wanted me to die. You knew no matter what the hurt I felt inside I would not sit around keeping my mouth shut as you continued your bullshit and expect I would be right. I will speak up to BS if I feel disrespect because no matter how hard you tried you cannot take my self-respect. My self-worth will not fail me and that pissed you off so much so you pushed my buttons to where I would react. Out of my own character I would do things I now regret. The pain now I turned to anger with no remorse. These actions I have done I feel so embarrassed I regret but that is called remorse. You were so satisfied I fell into your traps lowering who I was into your low self-respect. The control you now are gaining is a whole different aspect.

Yes, you won for awhile but no matter what you will never win against me compliantly I am to strong for that. You have caused unexplained pain and hurt I will overcome. Enough is enough and I realize that. I am done being your dummy and will step up to that. Again, all I wanted to do was love you, but you were not the man you made me believe you was. I will never understand how anyone could be as cruel and evil in a plot to hurt another who would have done nothing but good for you.

Now I am left getting myself back. I am a good woman educated and whole to loyal for an empty individual. You left me in a state being your wanted me destroyed. The anxiety and pain I will overcome.

I am not angry at you and my hurt will heal. I was able to see light and climb from the dark place you wanted me to lose. This nightmare I will not let win depression and ptsd will be my inspiration. I will turn the negative into positive and help others to see the hope empiercing the same dark emptiness.

You did not win Charles and now will be held accountable for your actions you put in. Responsibility you are not familiar with but as a grown up someday is what it is. You made your bed now lay in it quit playing a victim. I hope you the best while facing your consequences. My advice would be learned to love yourself. Self-pity and abuse are not okay and never will last long.

You did not make me bitter I love to much