I Am A Big Fat Loser

I Am a Big Fat Loser

Part One

Hello. My name is Treva and I’m a big fat loser.

I know what you’re thinking. “Why is she announcing to the world that she’s a loser? Wouldn’t she rather hide it?”

No, I wouldn’t. I’m quite proud of being a loser.

You see, I’m quite proud of all the things I’ve lost on my journey through life. Things such as taking things personally, caring about other people’s opinions, and the belief that I have to live the life someone else set for me, are gone (for the most part).

It’s been a difficult journey and it isn’t over yet, but I have come a long way from where I started.

Here are some things I have learned to let go of:

Taking Things Personally

One of the best and most important lessons I have learned is that nothing people say or do is about me; it’s all about what’s going on inside them.

When you’re young, you believe that the opposite is true. If someone criticizes you, you automatically assume that the person’s opinion of you is correct. If the criticism is harsh and is delivered repeatedly, you eventually begin to believe it.

That time your spouse criticized you for gaining a few pounds and stated that if you exercised, you, too, would look as good as his friend’s wife? That was about his fear of gaining weight and becoming a large person like his mother.

That time when your mother told you not to smile in your kindergarten school picture because you didn’t look good when you smiled? That was about her desire not to let anyone see that she had neglected to take care of your teeth and her need to look like a good parent.

When you were told by your peers, teachers, and friends that you’re too quiet or too smart or too sensitive (or all three at once!), that was about their insecurity that they had none of those qualities and their envy of you. They wished they were like you.

You are not responsible for the words or actions of other people. All you’re responsible for is your reaction to them.

Caring About What Other People Think

I’ve always been a bit of an odd duck. A socially awkward introvert, a loner. Someone who was never lonely being by herself but often felt lonely around other people. Why?

Because society teaches us that being quiet is not a desirable trait. We are even graded on it in school. Remember being told that part of your grade in class hinged on your “class participation”? Speaking up, asking questions, and sharing your opinion? I certainly do and I hated it. I hated being forced to be something I wasn’t or getting a lower grade not because I didn’t know the material but because I had acute social anxiety and was unable to speak in front of people. That really happened, by the way.

Society teaches us that preferring our own company to that of other people means there is something wrong with us. How many people are deemed anti-social simply because they have little desire to be around other people’s pettiness, drama, and immaturity? I remember someone telling me quite emphatically that I must think I am better than everybody else because I didn’t socialize with her and other people very much.

I’ve also been told countless times that I think too much. Granted, there is some truth to that. I tend to be an overthinker (the title of this blog should give that away). I think because I am curious about the world around me. Not just the world but the moon, the stars, the universe. I look up at the stars and I wonder if there is sentient life on other planets. What are they like? How did they evolve? Do they believe in a god? How different are they from us? Is there a species similar to us? And on and on my mind goes. It’s because of my curiosity and my desire for knowledge that I just cannot discuss the Kardashians or listen to office gossip. What is that compared to knowledge about the universe?

I used to be bothered by my desire to be alone. I wanted to be like everybody else. I wanted to be at ease in social situations. I wanted to be invited to parties and be considered fun. I wanted to do those things because I believed I had to be that way to be liked. Society tells us that in order to be accepted or liked, we must be outgoing and friendly, the life of the party. In order to succeed, we must stand out from the crowd and draw attention to ourselves. We must boast of our accomplishments. In other words, we should be exactly the opposite of how I am.

I don’t care about impressing people anymore. There are people who like me because I am me and that is enough. If someone doesn’t like me for whatever reason, oh well. They’re missing out on knowing a great person.😊

Living Someone Else’s Life

Society is partially to blame for this. It loves conformity. It convinces us to conform by feeding into our fears of what will happen if we don’t. Society tells us:

• What will people think?

• Your decision not to conform will adversely affect your future, perhaps even that of your family.

• You will have great difficulty finding a job and you will never make enough money.

• You are not smart enough or talented enough to make it on your own.

• Going with the herd is safer than going alone.

Society conditions us to believe that there is only one way to be. And we buy into it.

Parents certainly buy it. Oh, their intentions are good. They know how difficult and cruel the world can be and they want to spare their children from suffering. They want their children to have an easier time of it than they had so they reiterate society’s message. I get it. I am a parent myself.

Many parents will push their children to do exactly as they did, exactly the way they did it. It doesn’t occur to them that perhaps the reason they push conformity onto their offspring stems from their inability to admit that they were too afraid to follow their own path. They tell themselves that they’re fine, their lives have turned out fine, and they’re only thinking of their children’s futures. And they believe it to be true. And it may be true to a certain extent. But if those parents were to look deep within, I think most of them would realize that encouraging their children to make the same decisions they did validates their own decisions.

“If my daughter’s life turns out just like mine, that means that the choice I made years ago was the right one.”

As stated above, I’ve never really fit in, even though I wanted to. I tried to conform and do what everybody else did. I went to college and got my bachelor’s degree, got married, and had a child all before the age of 30, just as I was supposed to. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom and a working mother. I’ve held jobs. I stayed married to a man I didn’t like much (and who didn’t like me very much, either) far too long. I held onto friendships that should have been dissolved long before. I clung tightly to my past and allowed it to become part of my identity. And you know what? I was miserable.

Now? I am happier than I have ever been. I won’t go into the details of how I got to this point (perhaps in another post) but I will say that the moment I realized that only I was in charge of my life and no one else, my life began to change for the better. I started taking responsibility for myself. I held myself accountable for the decisions I made. I realized that since I had created my unhappiness, I could uncreate it. That was a revelation and the starting point for making so many positive changes in my life. My life has certainly been a long and often difficult journey but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It has made me who I am today. And who I am today is pretty darn awesome😊