How To Save Your Marriage When Your Husband Can't Or Won't Change

A wife recently told me that she was at her wits' end with her spouse. She was frustrated by his behavior and upset at him. However, she felt just as strongly about wanting to keep her marriage intact as she did about her husband's flaws. They had been together for a very long time, and even though he occasionally caused her pain, she was aware that she did not want to be without him.

The husband could be aloof, uncaring, and irresponsible. He kind of led a solitary life and expected his wife to put up with him. The wife believed that she was primarily responsible for carrying the load. She received the exact reaction she did not want when she reminded him of his actions because he accused her of being a nag. The husband had pledged and made promises to change in the past when the wife had made threats to leave. He occasionally even adopted some new behaviors that persisted for a few weeks or so, but he always went back to his old routines.

This led the wife to believe that her husband didn't love her deeply enough to make a permanent change. The husband would contend that his actions were simply a reflection of who he was and that it hurt that his wife was always attempting to change him. When the wife and her husband were encountering the same difficulties, she wondered if there was any hope for their marriage.

The wife's sense of helplessness and reactivity was at the center of this situation. She was in a position where she had to rely on another person to alter their behavior. This can, and frequently does, go horribly wrong and is incredibly frustrating. I thought there were some ways, nevertheless, for both parties to receive more of what they want. In the piece that follows, I go into greater detail about this.

You can't control other people's actions or willingness to change, but more often than not, you do. It was evident that the woman would not be able to "make" or "get" her husband to behave in a particular way. Ironically, the woman adored her husband's positive outlook on life. However, at this point, she simply saw him as a sort of slacker who never matured and who didn't respect her enough to try to be a responsible adult who could at least partially meet her emotional demands. This had gradually started to worry her so much that it was now to the point where it might be a deal-breaker for her. More than anything else, she was enraged by her husband's inability to commit to trying harder.

The wife acknowledged that her husband had always been the way he was, but she didn't accept it totally. However, these personality qualities became increasingly problematic as life's obligations and commitments grew more demanding of her time. The husband wasn't trying to change who he was. It was the wife's revelation, at last, that it is exceedingly difficult, if not impossible, to change the core of another person. She consequently felt dejected and alone.

However, this did not imply that they should end their marriage or file for divorce. It simply meant that they needed to figure out how to live in harmony with one another. This could imply that the woman looks for different ways to satiate some of her emotional demands. Additionally, it might imply that they might agree on behaviors that they could both maintain and live with.

In actuality, we have total control over no one but ourselves. We may influence our own ideas, behaviors, and actions, but expecting to entirely influence someone else's is impractical. Trying to do so will frequently make the other person resent you and may just lead to you receiving more of the undesirable behaviors. The first step towards breaking this pattern is typically acknowledging that you'll most likely achieve your goals faster if you put your attention on yourself.

Focusing on and dwelling on the negative will not go you very far; positive reinforcement will: Although I didn't speak with the husband in this instance, I believe I could have predicted his possible response. I've talked to a lot of men in this circumstance, and the majority of them will admit that when their wives keep harping on the "change business," it truly makes them feel rejected. It almost seems like their wife is telling him outright that she doesn't like who they are. This may greatly contribute to their retreating, avoiding the subject, or even taking offence. You probably don't want to be stuck in this cycle.

Making two promises will frequently yield greater results. To be aware of and in charge of your own actions and behaviors can be the first step. This usually indicates that you're accepting greater responsibility while easing up a little bit on them. More often than not, this will capture their attention more effectively than any words you could ever say, giving you a sense of control over the situation. The second pledge could be to concentrate more on what they are doing right than on what they are doing incorrectly. (And eventually, the encouragement you receive will frequently assist you in stopping the unpleasant habits as well). Although the wife found it very frustrating that her spouse wasn't more serious than she would have liked, she had other individuals in her life who could fulfil this demand.

Prior to continuing to emphasize the things she did not like, the woman should concentrate on the other areas where her husband excelled. Because her husband would see that she was making her own changes and that she was noticing both the good and the terrible, doing so would probably result in some positive changes in him.

I frequently advise individuals to start saving their marriages by removing those significant issues that always come up and cause conflict. Although it may seem that I have the procedure backward, I vehemently disagree. The cause of this is that we frequently talk about the same topics in such detail that no one is actually listening. Additionally, the animosity and disconnect can frequently worsen the initial problem.

As a result, if you can rebuild the relationship and empathy, you can frequently refocus on the more important problems with far better outcomes because you will have two individuals who care about the result rather than just one.