How to *really* know you’re in love

How to Really Know You're in Love

The uncomfortable truth about distinguishing real love from Hollywood fantasy

Because most of "the signs" they tell you are garbage

If you try to Google "how to know you're in love," you're gonna have a bad time.

Because it's mostly shit advice.

Here's a small sampling:

"They're always on your mind"

This is infatuation.

If someone's "always" on your mind, you're not focused on other Really Important Things. And that's a problem.

Real love fits into real life, rather than usurping it. It's calm, not overwhelming.

"You crave them" or "can't get enough of them"

See above.

"They're your 'everything'"

Ditto.

"You see them in your future"

"When I imagined my future job/location/adopted dog, they were always in the background of my imagination helping me out with whatever I was doing. My future just didn't really make sense without them around."

Well, I mean, damn. You fantasize long and hard enough, you can see anything in your future — like I could imagine moving to Switzerland to be a goat farmer.

The Real Signs Nobody Talks About

Here's what actually distinguishes love from the dopamine-fueled chaos we mistake for it:

You're not trying to change them

When you're truly in love, you're not constantly thinking about how they'd be perfect if only they exercised more, talked less, or shared your obsession with true crime podcasts. You see their flaws clearly — and you're genuinely okay with them.

Not "I'll learn to live with it" okay. Actually okay.

You fight better

This sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out. When you're in love, disagreements don't feel like relationship-ending catastrophes. You can argue about where to eat dinner without secretly wondering if this person is completely wrong for you.

You disagree like teammates trying to solve a problem, not enemies trying to win.

Hollywood has convinced us that love should feel like a constant emotional rollercoaster. But real love is the opposite of anxiety. It's the person who makes your nervous system calm down, not rev up.

If being with someone feels like drinking five espressos, that's not love. That's addiction.

You become more yourself, not less

Here's a big one: when you're truly in love, you don't lose yourself in the relationship. You become more yourself. Your quirks feel safer to express. Your opinions feel more solid. Your interests don't disappear — they expand.

If you find yourself constantly self-censoring or performing a version of yourself, that's not love. That's audition anxiety.

You're not keeping score

In real love, you're not mentally tracking who did the dishes last or who initiated sex more often. You're both just... contributing. Naturally. Without resentment or mental spreadsheets.

The moment you start keeping score, you're playing a different game entirely.

The Boredom Test

Here's the most reliable test for real love: Can you be bored together?

Not Netflix-and-chill bored. Actually bored. Like, sitting in a waiting room for an hour with nothing to do but exist in each other's presence.

If that sounds terrible, you're probably in lust, not love.

Real love means being comfortable in the quiet spaces between conversation. It means not needing constant entertainment or stimulation to enjoy each other's company.

The Integration Factor

Love isn't about finding someone who completes you (again, thanks for nothing, Hollywood). It's about finding someone who integrates well with the life you're already building.

They don't need to love everything you love. But they should respect it. They should make your existing relationships better, not worse. They should add to your life without subtracting from it.

The Gut Check

Finally, here's the most honest test: When you think about this person, do you feel peaceful or agitated?

Love feels like coming home. It feels like safety. It feels like the opposite of the butterfly-inducing, sleep-stealing, all-consuming experience we've been taught to chase.

If you're constantly wondering if it's love, it probably isn't. When it's real, you'll know not because of some dramatic revelation, but because of how quiet and certain it feels.

Like finally finding the right temperature in a room you've been too hot or too cold in for years.

That's love. Everything else is just really good marketing.