How To Know If He's The One

In my entire existence, I’ve only had two boyfriends. One I kissed but that relationship lasted for 6 months and the other one I never kissed but that relationship lasted for two years. It was only through my behavior in relationships that I looked it up and discovered that - from my date of birth, I was labeled as a libra with a scorpio moon.

Till this day, I could care less what that means but every now and then I find myself searching through google, trying to discover if somehow, someway this label would expose my soulmate and lead me down his path. As a Libra, I am apparently intelligent, charming and friendly. I studied software development, but I struggled through it, it wasn’t as easy as when I was a Chemistry major for the first two years of college. That’s how I met George. George was my best-friend. We talked about everything and through words, we knew each other from the inside out. I loved him and he loved me too, I could tell though he never admitted it. He asked me to be his valentine once and I rejected it, he felt rejected but I didn’t mean to make him feel that way. I was too scared to lose my best friend. If I was in a relationship with him, everything would change. I know that because I am not the same person as a friend when compared to the person I am in a committed relationship. It’s easier for me to have a friend. But in a relationship, I will be forced to express love, I would be forced to be loving and I didn’t have that to give.

I didn’t come from a loving household thus, I was scared that my brokenness will spill into the soul of another human being. I didn’t want to be responsible for that, in the same way that someone else had caused me to harbor pain. Thus, our friendship didn’t last… slowly we drifted away and I found myself alone. I guess this is where scorpio comes into play. Scorpios tend to conceal a mass of emotional intensity over every hurt and every wrong that has ever been done to them. Regardless of how hard I try, I can not shake it off. The trauma I endured as a child, keeps me from being able to freely express love and it hurts a lot. It hurts knowing that I want something but the only way to get and sustain it, is If I can give it as well.

I tried dating myself. I tried spending time with myself, to see if by chance I’ll be able to pick apart the part of me that’s dysfunctional. Overtime, I've learned that the only way to discover my dysfunctions was through relationships or interactions with others. Parts of me are exposed during fits of anger, confusion, disagreement, sadness and even in my excessive need to work harder. I have to take it head on. I have to let my fears go and just love. My sense of love might not be able to be as perfect as I would like it, but it’s through practicing what I already know that I give myself the opportunity to improve and get better. My last relationship didn’t end well. He used me for money. He knew how vulnerable I was and he knew I’d be willing to give him everything for him to reassure me. When I broke up with him I was sad. It’s times like this where I think about whether or not I’ll ever be able to express love. It’s times like this where I wonder if I’ll ever marry or find my soul mate, but one thing I know for sure is, if he’s the one, he’ll be willing to accept you for who you are.

Though my star sign can give me an overview of who I could be potentially, my experiences and environment dictates which parts of me are expressed and which parts are left behind.