How to help friends going through a rough time

The world is a really dark and painful place. There is so much suffering and sadness everywhere. Each one of us is trying our best to get through the trepidations of life. Some succeed, some fail, and many are caught up in the torture of just hanging in there.

Now, like anyone else, I also went through my fair share of suffering. And the sight of others in despair pained me even more. For a long time, my juvenile mind dreamed of doing something that would eradicate all this despair. But as I grew older, I realized that that was just not possible. This induced a profound sense of helplessness in me. It felt as though I was powerless and my existence meaningless. So, in a fit of desperation, my mind birthed a decree that became the foundation of my existence in this world.

So, what if I can’t end all this suffering. That doesn’t mean I won’t try.

Keeping this drive at my core, I set out on my journey to make my contribution to the end of all suffering. And I started with those who were closest to me and needed help to get through their rough times. And in that I found some success. In that, I found my meaning of life.

What I aim this article is to induce a sense of responsibility in my readers to help those who are suffering around them. Also, I want to equip them with the necessary toolkit to achieve this task. So, here are some tips on how you can help those around you and, as a result, contribute to the eradication of suffering from the world.

* Disclaimer: I am not a professional and am only speaking from my experience and learning. *

1. Establish a safe environment for communication.

First of all, you need to create an environment that garners, even encourages, healthy communication. You need to make your friends feel comfortable in sharing anything without fearing judgement or ridicule of any sorts.

This principle is based on one of the most fundamental principles of therapy: the therapeutic alliance. Therapeutic alliance is the level of trust between the therapist and the client. The quality of this alliance is essential for the success of the therapy.

You can strengthen this alliance and create a healthy environment for the outlet of emotions by detaching yourself from all your preconceived notions, personal prejudices and social biases. This will encourage your friends to trust you and open up to you more freely about their problems.

2. Make them the focus of the conversation.

One of the stupidest mistake we make while helping others is to dilute their conversation with our own experiences. This will not only divert the focus of the conversation from the person who actually needs to be helped but will also deprive you of nuanced information that provides you with valuable insight into their problem. It also leaves a bad taste in the mind of the other person and can even damage the therapeutic alliance.

Instead of relating to their problems in the middle of their conversation, stay quiet and carefully listen to them. Both psychoanalytic and humanistic therapy techniques use this principle: free talk.

In free talk, you prompt the client to speak whatever comes to their mind without interrupting them. Interruptions are only made to either confirm their point, seek clarity for something or positively reaffirm what they are saying.

3. Make them feel like they are heard.

Sometimes, all people want is to be heard. They may be facing something in which you can provide no help at all. But if you only listen to them carefully and make them realize that you actually hear them and understand them, it can provide them with much relief and lessen the emotional burden that they are carrying.

To reinforce the belief that you are listening to them and understand their situation, try explicitly telling them that with words like “I hear you”, “I understand” etc.

4. Avoid giving unsolicited advice.

Some people have spent a long time suffering from something and they are tired of all the advice they get from every other person. For such people, giving advice when they haven’t asked for any can lead to exasperation and agitation.

Listen quietly to them and practice free talk. Instead of giving them advice, validate their feelings and emotions to further strengthen the therapeutic alliance. If you feel the need to give any advice, ask them explicitly and only provide it if they permit you to. Otherwise, only play the role of an outlet for emotional venting.

5. Put yourself in their shoes when giving advice.

When giving someone advice or potential solutions for their problem, we often think about their problem from our own lens. This will further confuse them. The entire purpose of building up a therapeutic alliance and conducting free talk was to get as clear of a picture of their situation as possible. Ignoring the results of these practices and giving out advice under your own presumptions defeats the entire purpose of it.

Analyze the information about the problem presented to you and give advice accordingly.

6. Provide unconditional positive regard.

Treat people with love. Do not blame them for their circumstances. If they behave or act wrong, understand where they come from and don’t judge them for their misgivings. Be kind towards them regardless of it. People further exacerbate their problems if they feel hated, judged or blamed.

Unconditional positive regard or unconditional love is one of the core principles of the humanistic style of therapy. They believe a person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors are much more prone to change if the individual is treated with genuine, unconditional love and kindness.

7. Make them believe that they are not alone.

Going through the struggles of life can be a lonely journey. This makes getting by and solving problems all the more stressful. Tell your friends that they are not alone in whatever they are going through. Make them understand that you are there to provide any support necessary. Telling this explicitly can have a great effect but you can go one step further by portraying the sort of behavior that validates this. Try to be available to them as much as possible. Make genuine efforts towards solving their problems. Do the things for them that they are too afraid to do.

You can even explicitly tell them of all the efforts you are making to help them. Now, this may sound superficial. But doing this in a moderate amount strengthens their belief that you are actually invested in their problem and that they do not have to carry all the burden alone anymore.

8. Empower them.

Many people lose their confidence when faced with the adversities of life. It’s your job to help them regain their confidence and self-esteem. Tell them that they are strong enough to handle their problems. Tell them how much you believe in them. Motivate them to progressively take substantial steps towards the resolution of their issues. Appreciate them for all the efforts they make to improve their circumstances. Keep pushing them to do more and you will witness them magnificently rise back to their previous strong and confident self.

9. Provide with constructive criticism.

You will experience that people get caught up in the stress and emotional overload of their problems and make mistakes. This further worsens their situation instead of improving it. It is your responsibility to point out such mistakes. Being loving and nurturing all the time cannot always be helpful. At times you will need to be stern and assertive.

However, this needs to be done very carefully with impeccable timing. Never point out their mistakes or criticize them when they are in an emotionally charged state. Instead, wait for them to calm down and stabilize. Then, in a that portrays that you only intend to help and only want the best for them, tell them what they are doing wrong. This will not only make them take up responsibility for their actions and aim for improvement but it will also create respect and trust for you and hence improve the therapeutic alliance.

I know I started the article by saying that the world was a dark place. And it is. But that does not mean that our lives need to be full of darkness and despair as well. Life is beautiful despite its sufferings and its inadequacies. And to internalize this belief coupled with the urge to make others realize this not only creates a healthy mindset that ensures survival even in the toughest times but also creates a sense of community among us. A sense that makes us realize that each and every one of us is going through something and that the meaning of life is to support each other through all that to make it through the finish line. The only way to get through life is to give out and accept love. Spread love. The world needs it.