How to Grow into a person with high EQ?

Believe it or not, this answer can change your life to some extent and help you greatly improve your emotional intelligence. This is supported by multiple cases, theories, and experimental data.

The whole process of dry goods, suggested "like" collection, convenient to view and learn in the dynamic.

Let's start with two interesting phenomena:

When faced with a difficult situation, habitually say "It's not my fault." "I didn't expect this."

When you make a mistake, you unconsciously say, "I wish I had known..." "I shouldn't have done it."

If you accidentally hit, please read this article.

To improve your emotional intelligence, you must first understand what emotional intelligence is.

Many people think that having a high EQ = being able to chat.

In fact, this is a misunderstanding.

Emotional intelligence is an abstract concept, which refers to the balance between one's own feelings and getting along with others.

We can understand it better if we start with low emotional intelligence.

People with low EQ are often unaware of:

We speak and act with unconscious consideration for other people's feelings

Subconsciously pass the buck and emit negative emotions

Poor perception, unable to receive emotional feedback from others

Insecure and desperate for attention

Inertia throws cold water, there is no nature to praise others

It's not hard to change that, if you understand the following: "Improving your emotional intelligence is about changing your" uncontrollable emotions "into" controllable emotions, "thereby enhancing your ability to understand and relate to others."

Daniel Kahneman, the father of emotional intelligence, has proposed five elements of emotional intelligence:

Understand self, self emotion, self motivation, recognize others' emotion, deal with interpersonal relationship.

Let's start with the easiest to understand:

First, know yourself

How do you know yourself?

First, you need to learn to identify yourself.

Self-orientation is to detect the appearance of emotions, monitor the change of emotions, and examine the inner experience. This is one of the easiest and hardest things in the philosophy of mind, and once you've defined yourself, the next steps are easy to follow; The reality is that most people are trapped in their own perspective and misunderstand who they are.

"Are you happy these days?" When faced with this question, do you give an answer based on your gut instinct, or do you make a judgment based on a careful review of your recent life situation?

Without rushing to answer, I believe more than half of us would identify ourselves as the latter.

This is not a subjective conjecture on my part. As Daniel Kahneman has shown, the brain prefers to think in the least effortful way and replace the question with "Are you happy right now?" It gives us the illusion of deep thinking.

Do you feel like you're blocking the door to emotional intelligence?

No, the US psychologist Tasha Eurich stresses that self-orientation is a skill that can be learned and improved.

A. Keep questioning yourself

When you feel offended, take two seconds to think about it. "What is the emotion at the moment; what is causing the emotion; what are the consequences of showing the emotion; whether to bear the consequences."

The process is to assume the identity of a God's perspective, not asking "why" but "what", and to derive a new understanding of oneself.

B. Change the narrative

When describing an event, change the subjective consciousness into multi-role narration. For example, when a parent is describing "the child does not want to talk to me", he can be changed from the perspective of the child to "he is afraid that the parents will be beaten if they know this matter, so he does not want to talk". Let yourself out of the trap of emotion, in different people's perspective to explore the essence of things, can deeply examine the changes of different inner experience.

C. Positive feedback from multiple angles

To have a clear self-identity, you need plenty of external feedback. Cutting out the unloving critics and uncritical lovers and accepting what others say is true. Don't be offended by what they say. It's just a very basic step to improving your emotional intelligence.

D. Practice gratitude

Gratitude makes you feel good and healthy, and it also makes others feel that you have a high level of accomplishment.

Second, manage yourself.

We focus here on self-emotion management because it's a big part of improving emotional intelligence. In fact, emotions are not positive or negative. They are just interpretations given by human cognition. We call certain emotions negative because we judge the causes and consequences of their occurrence to be "bad."

For example, if you feel sad because you lost money and feel depressed, then you will judge "losing money" and "feeling depressed" as "bad". In fact, this is also in line with the public perception and the "negative emotion" is generated.

This is Albert the psychologist. Albert Ellis's ABC model of emotional reactivity.

A (Activating Event) -- Activating an Event (in the case of losing money)

B (Beliefs) - Beliefs (opinion, attitude, interpretation) held by an individual when encountering an inciting event

C (Consequences) -- result: emotional result (corresponding to the sad emotion above), behavioral result (corresponding to the depression above), physical result (headache, sweating, etc.)

The complete emotional response should be the ABCDF model, that is, the intervention of the emotion, so as to promote awareness and bring space for reflection. This is exactly in line with the "emotional double helix" proposed by David J. Wallin, an American psychologist. Only by detecting the emotions you understand can you find the original wrong thought pattern and manage yourself.

D (Disputing irrational beliefs) -- spot disputing erroneous beliefs and intervene

E (effect) -- the effect of a rational idea replacing an irrational one

F (newfeeling) - to achieve a new state of mind that eliminates "negative feeling"

In short, A produces C through B, and we change either A or B by D to produce E to get to F. The key to effective self-emotion management is to change A or B:

Change A (i.e. change the trigger event), fundamentally eliminate the problem (prevent losing money), such as the money, put in A place where it is not easy to lose;

Change B (i.e., change your beliefs). Looking at it from a different perspective, losing money is not a bad thing. It encourages you to save or even save money, which changes your mindset.

Then, motivate yourself.

Self-motivation refers to a psychological characteristic that an individual does not need external reward and punishment as a means of motivation, and can make efforts to set a goal.

Self-motivation is really about wanting a goal. If you want the result enough, you will do whatever it takes.

How to mobilize this power, you can follow the following steps:

A. Set visual goals

First of all, visualization goals are not small, accessible goals, but appropriate quantitative goals. Small goals can not stimulate desire, grand goals will eliminate desire. It is found that when people get progress in the realization of goals, it will provide data support for their correct progress, accelerate the mobilization of their internal driving force, and improve their confidence in future earnings.

B. Recognize intangible rewards

You must admit that some things may not be able to have material returns, with the mentality to do things, once hit the wall is irreversible. It's not that people with high EQ have the "hero mentality" that recognizes invisible rewards. It's that people who recognize invisible rewards are getting closer to high EQ. To go back to the previous paragraph, internal motivation is actually an intangible reward, which is better than the material incentive.

C. Strengthen the sense of urgency, conscious and continuous self-optimization.

Have you ever noticed that the most productive to-do items are those that are completed at the last minute? Because you don't want to face the consequences of not doing it. It's better to set a deadline for your goal. If you don't meet it, it will interfere with your subsequent goals, thereby reinforcing your sense of urgency and creating a sense of self-motivation.

It's also important to learn to consciously and continuously self-optimize. The iPhone 5, which was ready to go, was obsolete because its hardware lost the chance to optimize. People are the same, once stopped, will be rolled over by the wheel of The Times. Read a new book a week, attend a training session a month, and visit a foreign country every year. If you don't know something, you will search Baidu, and if you encounter difficulties, you will overcome them. You should have the determination that "mountains prevent me from opening mountains, and water comes to build ships". As a person who keeps updating the system, you will be able to sit on the giant car of The Times and clank glasses or quarrel with excellent people.

The more you learn now, the less you will be able to ask for help in the future.

[D] Face difficulties

JoanofArc said, "all battles are won or lost in the mind." If you are afraid of difficulties, by the time you get to the "heightened sense of urgency" approach, you have already lost. There will always be difficulties, as long as you learn to accept it, you really know how to deal with them.

2. Get to know people

First, recognize the emotions of others.

To recognize the emotional changes of others with subtle social signals, that is, insight into emotions, insight into emotions can help us complete perfect social interaction. The popularity of the TV show Lie To Me has led To a trend of microexpressions, but microexpressions are actually just one way To find out. Here's how.

A. microexpressions

According TO THE relevant human psychologist research shows that in the human psychological activities, the expression can reflect the emotional changes most, and is also a kind of channel of perspective people's inner world. Even if it is deliberately buried deep in the heart of the emotion, will be inadvertently reflected in the face.

Wolff Christian, a German philosophical psychologist, conducted an in-depth study of facial expressions and found that the expression of the left and right faces of humans is not symmetrical, and the expression generally starts from the left face.

Wolff Christian has shown that the left side of the face changes more strongly when people are expressing their true emotions. In humans, the right side of the brain, which is part of the real emotional signal, reflects more information on the left side of the face.

Therefore, paying attention to the left side of your partner's face during everyday conversation can give you more insight into their emotions. In addition, it can also be judged by some subtle expressions, such as blinking, eyebrow raising, mouth twitching and so on.

B. the language

In daily chat, we use idioms to enrich our emotions, and we can also use this means to understand the emotions of others.

In general, people who are sad speak more slowly and in a deeper tone. On the other hand, a cheerful tone and a loud voice indicate that he is in a state of excitement.

Judging by speech speed, tone, rhythm, etc., requires us to understand the "between the lines" of the other party. If the other party is good at hiding, most people can not distinguish. Therefore, this method can be used in voice calls, and can reduce the relative camouflage when you can not see each other.

C. micro motion

Body language is the most honest brain feedback. It's often overlooked, but it's incredibly important. It's no exaggeration to say that sometimes a small gesture can directly betray our hearts.

Gerard I. Nierenberg, a famous American negotiator, and Henry H. Calero, the head of Aerospace's contract negotiating team, reportedly recorded 2,000 negotiations in which no agreement could be reached as long as the negotiators crossed their legs.

This reflects what psychology says: crossing your legs means a person is mentally, emotionally and physically closed off and unwilling to compromise in a negotiation.

Pay attention to body language codes, you can recognize people more accurately.

Second, insight into empathy.

According to The Art of Communication, assess your empathy level first:

A-1: Seldom think from the perspective of others, unwilling to listen, and difficult to resonate with others in communication;

A-0: Able to think from other people's perspective, willing to listen, willing to communicate some ideas;

A+1: Stand in the perspective of the other side, let the other side unconsciously express their own ideas when communicating, and will listen attentively, and try to take care of the needs of the other side;

A+2: Put yourself in others' shoes, have strong insight and analytical ability, and can communicate through the other person's emotions and in the form of the other person's adaptation.

Empathy is the ability to empathize with others. It refers to the ability to correctly understand others' feelings and emotions, so as to achieve mutual understanding, care and emotional harmony. Most people are in the A-0 to A+1 stage, which is the result of human development.

How to gain empathy and achieve efficient communication should follow the following six principles:

Show the most real side, gain trust;

Treat others sincerely, can get the true feelings in return;

Treat others as you want them to treat you;

If you want to be understood by others, you must first learn to understand them.

See things from the other person's point of view and improve your image in the eyes of others accordingly;

To gain the respect of others, you must change yourself, but don't try to fix others.

Then, learn to communicate.

Learning to communicate is the most important step to improve emotional intelligence, which is also the purpose of our request. Communication is the transmission and feedback of thoughts and feelings between groups. Emotionally intelligent communications are prized because they only communicate effectively:

A. Say something useful

This one is easy to understand, which means no nonsense. For example, if your girlfriend is hesitating between a job with a "great vision" and a job she "likes" and asks for your opinion, you simply tell her, "Do it your way." This is a typical piece of crap. If your girlfriend's opinion is strong enough to support her decision, she won't need to ask your opinion. If the language is expanded into an analysis of two jobs, a proposal for long-term development, it immediately becomes an efficient and effective communication.

B. Say what needs to be said

Three years to learn to speak, a lifetime to learn to shut up, shut up is to ask us not to say what should not say. We LOOK FROM the CASE, will be more clear: girlfriend decided to take a postgraduate exam, you head a basin of cold water "useless, higher education or work life." And you immediately send encouragement "refuel. I will take you to eat a big meal."

Which do you think is the right thing to say? The answer must be the latter.

Dale Carnegie, the famous American master of human relations, made it a point to seize the moment and see the situation before speaking. Should not speak when speaking, called uninteresting; Not talking when you should be talking is called boring.

Many people will understand the above two points as a cold conversation, misinterpreted as people who can't talk should not talk, that our parents care: "wear a piece of clothing", "remember to eat" is boring nonsense. Not so, learn to communicate does not need us to have how much speaking skills, but requires us to hold others in the heart, the parents' "nonsense", is not "useful words", "the words to say" it.

C. Read more good books that enhance emotional intelligence

A lot of reading, reading continuously, ancient and modern Chinese and foreign, literary novels, can read more. When you read widely to a certain extent, you speak well