How to get over a breakup — no matter which side of it you’re on

The emotional fallout from a breakup is also affected by whether you were the one on the receiving end. The grief in these situations is multifaceted, according to Amy Chan, the founder and chief "heart hacker" of Renew Breakup Bootcamp: Not only are you losing a person in your life, but you're also dealing with a shifting sense of identity without your ex, mourning the future you once imagined, and the sting of infidelity if cheating or another form of betrayal was involved.

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If you’ve been broken up with

Our brains interpret a breakup similarly to addiction. In one well-known study, people who hadn't recovered from a breakup were shown images of the person who had rejected them, and the areas of their brains that lit up were the same areas associated with cocaine addiction. "Our conclusion and assumption is that you're literally in withdrawal," Chan says. "Because of this withdrawal, you'll want to do something to go get [them] back." And it's at that point that you might do something you'll come to regret, like text them."

Seek support from trusted friends and confidantes rather than your ex during these times of longing for connection. These are the people who can validate your feelings and lend a sympathetic ear. Despite their best intentions, these people are likely to insult or belittle your ex or offer platitudes in an attempt to lift you up.

When your emotions are still raw and you still love your ex-partner, this may be counterproductive. Chan advises being specific about how your loved ones can best support you. "I'm really grieving this right now," try saying. I just need a safe place to process and vent. I don't require advice. "Are you able to do that for me?"

The interstitial moments of the day — the time you used to spend watching TV together or texting when something funny happened — will be the times when you miss your ex the most. Instead of feeling tempted to contact your ex, make a list of people you can text or call in these situations, advises Logan Ury, author of the dating book How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love. Maintain a diverse list — your sister is your go-to for memes, your adventurous friend is your date to new restaurants — and don't rely solely on one person. This text support list can also include people you contact if you hear something.

According to Ury, another coping mechanism is to reframe the breakup as something gained rather than something lost. To begin, train your mind to focus on the positive aspects of the breakup. Take out a pen and paper (or a Google doc) and make a list of the reasons you benefit from the split. They can be as insignificant as not having to pretend to like their favourite band anymore, or as significant as not having to eventually relocate for their job. Then, repeat the exercise while focusing on the relationship's flaws.What were the negative aspects of your relationship? Perhaps they never cooked dinner, were frequently unreliable, or made fun of your hobbies. "By focusing on this," says Ury, who is also the director of relationship science at Hinge, "it helps your brain say it wasn't perfect and you're reminding yourself of what wasn't working for you."

Ury suggests engaging in activities you gave up or put on the back burner during your relationship to help combat the identity crisis that follows a breakup. What projects and activities make you feel more like yourself? If you and your ex didn't share a love of the beach, give yourself plenty of beach days. Maybe you put your pottery on hold; now is a great time to pick it back up.

If the breakup is mutual

Mutual breakups, in which both parties agree to split (for example, one person must relocate for work and the other does not want to relocate, or you both acknowledge you grew apart), can make moving on more difficult because you can't quite vilify your ex, according to Chan. You may have also promised to remain friends with your ex-partner if the relationship ended on good terms. However, Chan suggests that the two of you take a break from each other."You need a period where that dynamic shifts from intimate, romantic to platonic," she says. "You need that space and time in between because it's unrealistic to expect to go from romantic to platonic right away." In most cases, it's a shambles." Chan suggests that you evaluate your feelings after 30 days of no contact and then work toward another 30 days. Eventually, the desire to reach out may fade. Take each day as it comes.

Regardless of who started the breakup, Chan recommends blocking your ex's phone number and social media accounts for at least the first six to eight weeks. "You can't rely on willpower," she explains. "The panic and pain and withdrawal that occurs after a separation is so intense that, if you have the ability, you'll look at their social media, check their stories, and see who they're with."

Jackson suggests measuring your reaction to seeing your ex in person, on social media, or anything else that reminds you of them to determine whether you've healed and are ready to be friends with them. If you don't feel annoyed, mad, frustrated, or upset after the breakup, you've recovered and can resume a platonic relationship. "If I'm triggered and annoyed and mad and frustrated and now I want to go into a downward spiral," Jackson says, "that just tells me that I need to take some extra time to process and heal." (Again, according to Ury, this processing can include thinking about how the relationship no longer served you and what you'd do differently in future relationships.)

When spending time together in groups and with mutual friends, boundaries are essential. Ury advises having a conversation with your ex to determine your comfort levels around seeing each other in a group setting. Again, consider how you would react if you saw them in public. And if the agreement you reached no longer works — perhaps seeing your ex with a group of friends is more painful than you anticipated — renegotiate.

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If you’re initiating the breakup

Regardless of whether the relationship was toxic, the person initiating the split is likely to feel a range of emotions, from guilt to relief. According to experts, all of these emotional reactions are valid.

The decision to end a relationship with a significant other is rarely made suddenly and without attempts to repair the relationship. (If you're thinking about leaving your partner without first trying to work out a solution, Ury advises giving the person a chance and telling them what's not working.) According to Ury, the breakup-er is mourning the partnership during this time, as opposed to after the breakup for the recipient.

Maintain a platonic relationship with your ex while the wound is still fresh. You are preventing them from progressing whether you intend to or not. "It really interrupts and hinders their ability to progress because there's always a glimmer of hope," Chan says. "Continual reminders, text messaging, or the sharing of good news keeps them stuck in this relationship, in this attachment to someone who is giving them the girlfriend or boyfriend experience on an emotional level without any commitment or responsibility."

Even though you were the one who ended the relationship, you can reflect on the type of partner you were. How did you express yourself? How did you assist your ex in meeting his or her needs? This reflection helps you identify areas for improvement and how you want to present yourself in your next relationship. While it may be tempting to immediately rebound, Ury believes that if you're constantly distracted by new flings, you won't give yourself enough time to process the relationship.

Even if you're experiencing conflicting emotions, such as calm and loneliness, know that your experience is valid. Just because you're relieved or proud that you ended the relationship doesn't mean you don't care about your ex. You may still believe they are a good person, but they are not the right person for you. "Two things can coexist," Jackson says. "I can love you and let you go."

Whatever the outcome of your relationship, the cliche holds true: Time heals all wounds. For a while, you may feel awful and want to wish the unpleasant feelings away or even judge yourself for feeling them. Jackson advises embracing and allowing the waves of grief, anger, and annoyance to pass. You might not even notice it happened one day, but your ex will be nothing more than a distant memory.