How to get over a Breakup

Crucial steps no one tells you about when getting over a breakup: (especially during a pandemic)

Step 1- Be miserable. Cortisol, not to be confused with Cortisone, is a stress hormone. It accumulates in every inch and cervix of your broken body and covers your eyes and ears from the inside out, masking your world. Expel it from your body through tears and sweat. If you are not crying you should be exercising, or basking in 100 degree weather, or in a sauna. Just let it out, feel snotty and look wet.

Step 2- Listen to Dua Lipa. Or Lizzo. Sure, I loved them before I had my heart broken, but now I can fully appreciate what they are singing about. It is comforting to know two of the sexiest, most talented woman on this planet have also been through heartbreak, felt like sh*t, and yet thrived in the long run thanks to it all.

Step 3- Look for breakups. Your favorite celebrity couple just split up? Amazing! Your friends who have been together for six years are taking a break? Perfect! Realizing love sucks, not just for you but for everyone, will make you feel less terrible about yourself, and help direct your frustrations towards the concept of “love”. Find community in heartbreak. Again, if superstar singing sensation Dua Lipa failed at love, regular old you can fail at love too. Think of it as getting one step closer to becoming just like her.

Step 4- Ask your friends about their current troubles. Sure, they may be much happier than you right now, but knowing their life is not perfect will put things in perspective. Maybe you even find yourself giving them life advice, which will give you a sense of stability. You may feel like you are just pretending to be put together, but fake it till you make it? This will also help you realize, you may not know how to be successful at love, but now you are an expert in loss.

Step 5- Reevaluate your relationship with horoscopes. If your horoscope said you and your ex were the perfect match, call out the stars and become a non-believer. On the other hand, if you have never been one to trust a horoscope, now is the time to give it a chance. You may just find out you and your ex were only 15% compatible, which can give you incentive to move on, go look for an Aries, you are much more compatible with a fire sign. If taking blame is too much emotional work, just blame the stars, they won’t argue back.

Step 6- Remember how to love yourself. Find your place in this world. Little by little things will begin making sense again, but you have to help. What were some of your hobbies you did not share with your ex? What look makes you feel extremely sexy but you never thought you could pull it off? Look, you already lost your partner, so now is your chance to experiment and try new things. New things that make you smile and laugh. Have fun with yourself for some time. Blast some music and dance by yourself, with yourself, in front of a mirror. You are so freaking fun!

Or don’t do any of this and go to therapy. But don’t be surprised if your therapist quotes Dua!

Please feel welcome to leave a tip! Part of breakups is having an intense desire to re-do and vamp up your look, but it’s hard to get hot with no money. So please, help me get hot.