How to Get Over a Break Up

Break ups have a tendency to squash, and render useless, expectations one had of a relationship, and the investment the individual had placed on the relationship. Additionally, they cause an individual to experience the unbearable emotional pain elicited by the manifestation of hurtful emotions.

The aftermath of a break up affects individuals in diverse ways. How people react to a break up also differs among individuals. So, how can you get over your break up, and find your foot to move on? How can you piece together the tiny broken pieces of your heart that's been torn up into tens of pieces by the break up? The below is a short guide to steer you towards a healthy means of healing, recovering, and finding the strength to move on with your life.

1. Manage the Hurtful Emotions

Following the break up, you will experience an assortment of negative emotional responses, such as, shock, anger, fear, sadness, guilt, shame, and hatred. As much as they're not pleasant to feel, they're a necessary component of our lives. Not only do they inform us of the occurrence of an unpleasant event that has occurred in our lives, but also motivate us to do something to get over the unpleasant (hurtful) incident.

It's not an enjoyable experience wallowing in negative emotions. Other than the emotions disrupting your structured life, and heightening the emotional pain, there's nothing good that can be said about them. As such, we've learned to suppress them so that we don't feel their unpleasantness.

Are negative emotions wholly evil? Not in the least. Emotional psychologists label negative emotions as unpleasant emotions. The reasoning is negative emotions play a vital role in our lives despite their unpleasant feeling.

Learning how to manage the hurtful emotions you're feeling is one of effective techniques in ushering in the healing, and eventual recovery, from your break up. The following are ways to manage the negative emotions you're feeling.


Step I: Identify the hurtful emotions you're experiencing by singling out each one of them. You'll feel more than one negative emotions therefore pinpoint each emotion you're feeling.

Step II: Find what has elicited a particular emotional response. In this case, the source of the display of the emotions you're experiencing is the break up. Now, go another step ahead by sorting through your mind why you're feeling a particular emotion in response to the break up. For instance, you might be feeling angry because you think your ex wasn't justified to break up with you, or are angry because the abusive nature of your ex forced you to end the relationship.

Step III: Listen to the emotions. What is each of them asking you to do in response to what has elicited their manifestation? One of the roles of negative emotions in our lives is to motivate us to take an action in relation to a hurtful event that has occurred to us. Contrast the negative emotion you're experiencing to know what it is urging you to do. For example, anxiety, a form of fear, is a reaction to a perceived threat. Why are you anxious following the break up? What is it that's worrying you about it? Is it because you're afraid you'll feel lonely? If that's the case, contrast the reason why you're experiencing that feeling by telling yourself, "Even though I'm now alone, I won't be lonely because I have loved ones and/or friends who will give me company, and I've myself to offer myself company.

Step IV: Feel the emotions. It's not a pleasurable experience feeling negative emotions. Even so, if your heart is not presented with the fact of the break up, through experiencing the hurtful emotions brought about by the break up, it'll never heal from the break up, and you're recovery from the same will be inhibited. It has to know an unpleasant (hurtful) thing has occurred - end of the relationship - so that it can usher in healing since it's realized it's been wounded.

Step V: Release the emotions. You've felt the negative emotions, now it's time to let them go. Your heart has been made aware of a hurtful event that has occurred. It'll grieve the loss of the relationship, which is normal (healthy). Amid the heart mourning the loss of the relationship, the wound that had been festered by the break up will begin healing, and you'll be on your way to recovery. Remember, don't dwell for too long on the negative emotions. Giving them board in your being for a lengthy period would be detrimental to your well-being, including your relationships with other people.

2. Grieve the Loss of the Relationship

You shouldn't be embarrassed, or think it's a sign of weakness, when you grieve the loss of your relationship. You shouldn't act as if the break up didn't affect you in the least. You shouldn't pretend everything is okay when your loved ones and/or friends ask how you're fairing.

People who run away from grieving the loss of their relationship do so because they don't want to feel the emotional pain ignited by the break up. They'll engage in unhealthy activities to relieve the pain. Some will rely on drugs and alcohol while others will jump immediately into another relationship. A few, sadly, choose a permanent means of ending the pain by committing suicide.

Unless your heart grieves the loss of the relationship, or how negatively (hurtful) it's affected by the relationship, it'll never heal. Without your heart having healed from the wound inflicted by the break up, your recovery from the break up will be jeopardized.

When you allow yourself to grieve the loss of the relationship, you'll undergo five stages in no particular order. You may linger in a stage for a lengthy period, and return back to a previous stage, or move to the next, or skip to another or previous stage, before you finally come into terms with the reality of the relationship - it no longer exists. The grieving stages are:

1st stage: Denial. You'll fight against any thought or voice that tells you the relationship has ceased to be. You'll convince yourself the break up hasn't occurred; you're still in the relationship with your ex. Denial is usually preceded by shock which, as defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary, as " a sudden or violent mental or emotional disturbance" to the unexpected turn of the relationship - the break up.

2nd stage: Anger. It's an emotional reaction in response to being wronged or hurt by your ex. The reasons for the anger may vary e.g. feeling your ex wasn't justified to end the relationship, or your ex resulted in you ending the relationship. You might also direct the burning anger you're feeling to yourself which may arise from a sense of guilt, or having being naive in engaging in the relationship with them. You might even be angry at God. Why couldn't He intervene thereby saving the relationship from being torn apart? Or, why did He allow you to engage in a relationship with your ex? Also, you may direct your anger to your loved ones and/or friends.

Anger may mask other negative emotions. This is because you've concentrated all your energy on it thereby ignoring the other negative emotions. You may also focus your anger on your ex, to avoid feeling the other negative emotions, especially fear.

3rd stage: Bargaining. If only you hadn't behaved in a certain manner, or your ex didn't do something that repeatedly hurt you, the break up would never have happened. You think what could have been avoided, and what could have been done in its place. It's at this stage you'll feel the urge to contact your ex, and plead with them to give you another chance. You'll compromise with them, going as far as accepting their demands even though you don't agree with them. You may also turn to God, and beg Him to do something to revive the failed relationship.

4th stage: Depression. How will you survive the rest of your life alone, without your ex by your side? How will the quality of your life be? You'll feel unmotivated to look forward to another day. You'll withdraw yourself from loved ones and friends to be alone. You'll feel disinterested in things you liked doing, that is, your hobbies or activities. It appears as if your world has come to an end. Some people will entertain thoughts of death. They can't envision living the rest of their lives without their ex.

5th stage: Acceptance. You might waver in this stage. By the time you've reached this stage, your heart is fully aware the relationship you're in had ceased to exist. But, you may find yourself returning to the denial stage. You don't want to believe the relationship is over. When you finally admit to yourself on the reality of the relationship, you'll be on your way to recovering from the break up. During this stage, you may experience varied negative emotions that you'd blocked during the previous stages, or re-experience them.


3. Exercise No Contact

Following the break up, you should cease any form of communication with your ex until you've recovered from the break up. Maintaining communication inhibits the healing process from commencing.

No contact cushions you against experiencing the intensification of hurtful feelings. Staying in contact with your ex, even if it's not frequently, will remind you about the failed relationship thereby intensifying the hurtful emotions you're feeling.

You might also suppress the emotions because the contact will create an illusion of being in relationship with your ex, or giving you a sense of false hope about the failed relationship.

When you reach out to your ex, you'll veil your heart from knowing the truth about the relationship. In essence, you'll misguide your heart on the reality of the situation. It'll believe what is untrue about the relationship.

The purpose of not contacting your ex is to distance yourself from them emotionally and physically so that you can allow the healing process to begin its course.

Another reason is to give you the
space and time to reflect on the failed relationship, both on the positive and negative side, from a third person point-of-view - without being influenced by the hurtful emotions. From assaying the failed relationship, and the break up, you'll conclude whether it's judicious to try to get back with your ex, or move on with your life.

It also assists you in gaining control of your life that had been lost in the relationship, or following the end of it. If the relationship affected your self-esteem, you'll regain it as a result of limiting or ceasing any form of contact with your ex.

Lastly, you wouldn't want to get back in your previous relationship, or a new one, without having learned valuable lessons from the previous break up(s). The lessons you glean from your previous break up(s) will assist you to make an informed decision when entering a new relationship, or going back to a former one. Additionally, you'll gain an insight on what works and doesn't work in a relationship, what to look out for in a potential partner, and which areas of your life you should improve or work on.

4. Blaming is Alright But Ineffective

Is blame ever justified? Even if your ex is the cause of the break up, are you justified in faulting them for the demise of the relationship? Are you certain you're not part of the blame?

If you're convinced, without a shadow of doubt, your ex is the source of the break up, blaming them for days on end won't benefit you at all than rendering you powerless in taking control of the situation, and your life. This is because you'll be living in a victim-mentality state. The result of being in such a state is that it'll deepen the pain you're feeling, and intensify the emotions you're feeling or evoke other negative emotions.

It might be, you're blaming your ex because you don't want to appear guilty. You don't want to own up being the cause of the break up. "Blaming is used as a self-defense mechanism to protect ourselves from feelings of guilt, stress or anxiety," states The Nurture Project. "This," they say, "usually comes hand in hand with denial. The defense mechanism can even be on the level of the subconscious and we use it when we want to avoid a situation that is too challenging for us to handle."

You may also falsely accuse your ex for the break up because you don't want to admit your ex was in control of the demise of the relationship. You felt helpless when your ex broke up with you. As a result, you want to exert control over the situation by blaming your ex.

Or, it might be you're blaming yourself for the break up. The guilt. The shame. They're some of the feelings that accuse you of having brought the relationship to its grave. Maybe, you aren't the cause of the break up, but you blame yourself for being the cause.

Even if you're the cause, stop beating yourself down after having admitted to yourself that you're the one who contributed to the collapse of the relationship.

If you're laying blame on your ex for the downfall of the relationship, take the difficult step of forgiving your ex. If you're the cause, give yourself another chance. Be gentle on yourself, and take that painful step of asking your ex for forgiveness.

5. Forgive & Forget

This is perhaps the most difficult breakup recovery step to execute owing to two things: the hurt, and the myths surrounding forgiveness.

While it's difficult to forgive someone who has hurt you, it's more difficult to forgive yourself for having pained someone. You've probably heard the famous religious saying, "Love your neighbour as you love yourself." You can't hope to forgive your ex if you haven't taken the first step of forgiving yourself.

It's not easy to pardon yourself, particularly if your ex faulted you as the cause of the break up. The guilt and shame you're feeling will convince you that you're unworthy of forgiving yourself or receiving forgiveness from your ex. You feel you deserve to be unforgiven. You might not reach out to your ex to ask for forgiveness because you think you deserve not to be forgiven.

You might find it difficult to forgive your ex, especially considering how they treated you during the relationship, or their reason for breaking up with you. Come to think about it, how can you forgive someone who kept cheating on you, or someone who was abusive, or someone who broke up with you because they no longer find you appealing? It's a difficult concept to grasp.

As painful and difficult it is to forgive, you should resolve to take that step to release yourself from the grip of negative emotions.

Remember, forgiveness doesn't mean you overlook the wrong done to you by your ex. It doesn't imply you're happy with them hurting you - you're okay with it. It doesn't signify you haven't been hurt. Forgiveness is accepting you've been hurt, and as defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary, it involves releasing yourself "from the guilt or penalty of an offense." Forgiveness which is the act of forgiving is defined by the same dictionary as "to cease to have feelings of anger or bitterness toward" your ex.

Mayo Clinic notes that if you're unforgiving, you might "bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experiences, become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can't enjoy the present, become depressed or anxious, feel that you life lacks meaning or purpose, or you're at odds with your spiritual beings," and you might "lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others."

"Forgiveness helps your health. Negative Emotions rob your energy and take a toll on your body, mind, and spirit. Anger, anxiety, depression, and undue stress generate a negative influence on your body. These can cause elevated blood pressure, heart rate, and the feeling of being out of control," states psychologist Abigail Brenner, in her article, '5 Reasons Why It's Important to Forgive,' appearing on Psychology Today's website.

It's not necessary to let your ex know you've forgiven them. You can inform them of your decision to forgive them, or forgive them without letting them know you've done so.

Whether your ex forgives you or not, it's up to them. They've a choice to make: to hold onto the resentful and bitter thoughts, or release themselves from their manifestation by forgiving you.

Don't hold onto the hurt. Forget your ex hurt you during the relationship, or breaking up with you. Forget you're the cause of the break up by asking for forgiveness, learn from what you did wrong and change aspects of you that deserve some improvements, and move on with your life.

Forgiveness means forgetting the past so that the past doesn't haunt you in the future; reigniting the negative emotions that you had done away with.

6. Stop the Negative Thoughts

It's easy to get lost in your thoughts as you ruminate on the failed relationship, the break up, your ex, and yourself. Unless you're analyzing the failed relationship, and the break up, to glean important information to aid you to get past the break up, and to assist you in decision making pertaining to romantic relationships, you can find yourself, at times, entertaining negative thoughts.

The thoughts you entertain in your mind can alter your beliefs, or your view of romantic relationships, and the world at large. They can paint a false image in your mind about romantic relationships, the world, and about yourself.

According to Your Dictionary, "Negative thinking is a thought process where people tend to find the worst in everything, or reduce their expectations by considering the worst possible scenarios. This approach can allay disappointment in some situations; but, negative thinking tends to manifest into a pattern that can cause tremendous stress, worry, or sadness over time."

Negative thoughts can either intensify, and prolong, the hurtful emotions you're feeling, or evoke other negative emotions thereby lengthening the healing and recovery processes. They'll deepen the heartache, disrupt your daily routines or activities, distort your view of yourself and relationships, and interfere with your relationships with other people.

Being conscious of the negative thoughts you're entertaining by countering them is the healthy means of fighting against such thoughts. Replace the negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Don't let them have their way. Stop them on their track. Question their legibility. It may be you've undergone several break ups. Does that mean you're never meant to be in a relationship, or you're not a fit for a romantic relationship?

You should base or give weight to your thoughts on facts. The conclusion you arrive on should be guided from an unbiased viewpoint.

7. Seek Emotional Support

We, humans, are social creatures even if some of us categorize ourselves as introverts. We can't survive on our own, the reason for the saying, 'No man is an island.' Accordingly, you shouldn't suffer alone. Reach out to a loved one, or a trusted friend. Confide in them how the break up is affecting you, and how you're dealing with it. Let them know how difficulty you're finding in getting past the break up. Let them know how you feel about the break up, the failed relationship, your ex, yourself, and anything else.

If you find it difficult to get past the break up due to being overpowered by the negative emotions you're experiencing, seek professional help. When you can't seem to get over the anxiety, when you can't seem to come out of depression episodes, when a few weeks after the break up you're still angry at your ex or yourself, when you're entertaining thoughts of suicide, seek the services of a mental health professional.

8. Damage the Video Tape

The yearning for your ex will set your mind to create a series of moving images centered on the good times you'd with your ex. The 'good' images created in your mind will deceive your heart into believing you're still in the relationship. Your days will be spent thinking about the good times you'd with your ex. Not only will you relive the good times you'd with them, but you'll also create new ones.

Your intention of holding onto the 'good' times is because you don't want to accept the relationship is over, or you don't want to let go of the happy feelings brought about by thinking about your ex, and how you felt being in love with them.

While there's nothing wrong in reliving the good times you'd with your ex, doing so when you haven't healed and recovered from the break up, will deepen the pain you're feeling, and intensify the hurtful emotions you're experiencing. The wound that had been created in your heart will become more sore because it'll remind you of something that's no longer within your arm's reach.

Relive the 'good' times you'd with your ex after you've gotten over the break up; not before.

9. Get Your Life Back

Break ups have a tendency of disrupting an individual's structured life. They inhibit the person from experiencing joy in things they used to find pleasure in doing, or places they loved going to. Nothing in the world interests them anymore. Not even food. The individual may not want to see anyone, or go anywhere. Going to class or to workplace requires the individual to mobilize enough energy to get out of their room, and to the outside world.

It may appear you're helpless to change the effects of the break up. The future may seem bleak. In short, you've lost desire in anything, including your life. You shouldn't give up on yourself. The loss of the relationship isn't the end of your life, or your love life. It doesn't dictate your future life because your life is in your hands. You're the driver, and you're the one who has the choice to steer it where you want it to go.

It'll be difficult during the first few days or weeks to get your life back to its normal course. However, with determination to get over the break up, you'll succeed in getting past it.

Aside from the points given above, taking that step of getting back to doing on things that interested you - your hobbies or interests - will enable you to gain a fresh or renewed perspective of your life. The activities will help you appreciate your life, and give you a reason to look forward to each day.

Be it writing e.g. journaling, reading, watching movies, listening to music, swimming, drawing, sculpting, designing, playing games, your interests will aid in lessening the emotional pain and the intensity of negative emotions being felt.

Don't let the break up deny you of your happiness, and your place on this earth.

10. Be Grateful

It doesn't imply you should be glad your ex broke up with you or the fact you'd terminated the relationship. Of course, some people are glad to have come out of the relationship. This is particularly the case if an individual was in an abusive relationship.

Why should you be grateful when your partner dumped you for another chick or guy? What's there to be thankful for when your partner broke up with you because they no longer find you appealing? What's there to be glad about when you broke up with your ex because they're abusive, disrespectful, demeaning, or exhibited other untoward behaviour(s) or attitude(s)?

Gratitude, or being thankful, enables you to have a fresh perspective of your life. It helps you appreciate that even though you're hurting as a result of the break up, you still have a life to live. It aids in keeping negative emotions at bay so that they don't control your thoughts, and decision-making.

"In positive psychology," states Harvard Medical School, "gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships."

11. Don't Give Up

This last point is an encouragement not to lose heart that you'll never get past the break up. Countless people have gotten over their break ups, and you too can get past it. You should be determined no matter what may. See to it that you won't get stuck in the break up. Don't engage in unhealthy activities e.g. relying on drugs and alcohol to relieve the emotional pain. These unhealthy activities will only deepen, and prolong, your healing and recovery processes.

And, don't hurry to get over the break up. Every individual heals and recovers at their own time. The duration you take to get over your break up is different from another one. Some take a few weeks while others take months to years. The length of recovery is determined by various factors, including the length of the failed relationship, how much you'd invested in the relationship, your personality, how purposeful you're to get past the break up, the emotional support you receive, if both of you share a child(ren), the properties you share together with your ex, and the status of the relationship (whether it's healthy or unhealthy).