How to deal with your enemies

As my multiple sources of income dried up, with no glimmers of opportunity, I quickly lost faith in my ability to create a sustainable life as a writer. The long hours of idleness solidified my career-induced depression, and I began to feel completely disconnected from my goals.

I felt so insecure about my lack of motivation to move forward that I tried to avoid conversations that brought up career topics.

One day, a family gathering led to a discussion about the local retail store, which was considered a great place to work. A well-meaning but somewhat arrogant family member turned to me and said, "Why don't you at least try to get a job there?"

I feel as if someone has just punched me in the stomach.

It wasn't the thought of working in that particular place that bothered me, but the implication that I wasn't trying to create a career for myself, and that my career choice wasn't a respectable one.

Know something memorable

In effect, this remark triggered a mountain of lumber due to my own insecurities and doubts about what I had been trying to do. It was other people who said what my demons had been yelling at me for weeks.

It was very painful.

That exchange was preceded by a long list of low-key comments about my lifestyle choices, sparking a protracted Cold War-style feud that brought home something monumental to me:

It is futile to seek support from people whose own life experiences have tainted their ideas of what is and is not possible. Not everyone can have a positive impact on what you're going through.

I now follow these six tips when dealing with harsh criticism and seeking support from someone in my life.

1. Be strong and confident in yourself

When I was younger, I was easily shocked by negative comments about me. I take other people's opinions as facts because I don't fit my own inner confidence.

As I learned to connect with and truly appreciate myself, I began to see that what other people said or did was a reflection of themselves, not a reflection of myself.

If we can't change the way people choose to approach us, we can certainly change how we react to them.

2. Consider their path

The family member with whom I had this interaction has been gripped by fear for most of her life - in fact, fear dictates most of her decisions and actions.

She is also very protective of her family, so she often makes suggestions based on her fear that the people she cares about most will not be taken care of.

Knowing this, I could better understand why she would say what I found so offensive - her life experiences were completely different from mine, and her worries and concerns were different from mine.

3. Pay attention to who you share with

Just as we all have our strengths and weaknesses, some relationships are best sought for support and advice, while others simply provide companionship.

If you know someone who can't support you on an issue or talk to you about a problem you're trying to solve, it's best to turn to someone else. Look for people who cheer you up, not people who bring you down.

4. Don't ask when you know what you want to hear

I often find myself asking for advice on a decision I need to make or an idea I have, simply because I want someone to validate my idea or something I've already decided on.

The problem is not that everyone thinks or acts the way I do and therefore they don't always agree with me - when this happens, I find myself becoming frustrated and angry.

If your position is firm, you don't need anyone to verify it, and avoiding these conversations will ensure that you don't get defensive when it's completely unnecessary.

5. Watch your reactions

As I began to pay attention to my own words and actions, I actually began to notice how our own experiences shape and change the way we respond to what others share with us.

If I feel my life is particularly difficult, a friend relays their plans to travel and live in another county, and then he says, "How does this all work? How can you really afford that?"

If I'm struggling in my relationship, a friend sharing their excitement about a new relationship might elicit a response like, "But aren't you worried that he doesn't have X, Y, or Z?" "Or" Aren't you moving a little fast?

I'm not consciously trying to rain on anyone's parade. I'm just reacting to my own discomfort -- unless I stop and change the direction of the interaction. In turn, this knowledge helps others react to what I share.

6. Try to react from a neutral place

I quickly divided words and interactions into two categories: positive or negative. But the truth is that everything is neutral until we decide to label it based on our previous experiences -- both in life and with that particular person.

Many times, this can be done by getting to the root of people's intentions when they say or do something. Most of the time, people aren't trying to hurt us -- we just jump to that conclusion to protect ourselves.

It's better to stop and think and then react appropriately.

While this particular family member has not changed and has since said other things that I might find very hurtful and offensive, I have chosen to think about and respond to these situations in a very different way. That certainly took the sting out of it.

More importantly, I am now more confident in who I am, what I believe, and the path I have chosen to take.