How I’m Breaking Intergenerational Trauma as an Asian American

When I was 5 years old, my mom caught me in a small lie. It’s unfortunately true — I threw away a bologna sandwich despite saying that I had finished it. Later that day, she told me that she saw it in our trash and that I shouldn’t lie because lying indicates fear, and I should never admit that I’m scared of anyone.

Looking back on my life, this was a pattern in my home. I was raised through moments that my mom turned into one important lesson: Never show weakness. Anything that hinted at the implication of struggle was a sign of failure.

Almost five decades later, I’m in extensive cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to manage my anxious thoughts, all-or-nothing thinking, and reoccurring guilt of living life the way I want instead of the way I was taught. Throughout this journey, I’ve been able to identify the role that intergenerational trauma has played in my family, along with its impact on my life and who I am as a person.

What is intergenerational trauma?

Intergenerational trauma has many definitions, but the concept is pretty linear. Essentially, it’s trauma that carries on from previous generations who have experienced tragic events, such as war or famine. Although experts first recognized it in 1966 among children of Holocaust survivors, research has broadened to include other groups, such as American Indian tribes and the families of Vietnam War veterans.

“With a history of physical displacement and identity crisis from war and discrimination, many Asian Americans find themselves passing their unresolved trauma in ways that may not be obvious at first,” says Soo Jin Lee, LMFT, an executive director of the Yellow Chair Collective and co-author of “Where I Belong: Healing Trauma and Embracing Asian American Identity.“

For my mom, being a “model citizen” held true, and she taught me to follow suit. In elementary school, I came home with a note because I was caught talking during a lesson. As a response, my mom baked a dessert for my teacher and told me to write an apology letter. The next day, I was carrying an entire cake onto the bus, avoiding eye contact with my friends, and feeling ashamed that I had caused trouble.

Years later, I changed my traditional career path in the medical field to pursue my passion for writing. I felt relieved for being honest with myself. However, when I accepted my “dream” job at a media company, I found myself working endless hours and crying due to feeling bullied.

When I told my mom, she shared her own obstacles to becoming the corporate director she is today. She worked alongside racist co-workers, was asked if she even spoke English, and wasn’t considered for opportunities. The lesson? Life is hard, but it could always be worse.

This response can be common. Chang confirms that older generations tend to downplay the experience of younger generations by comparing their own traumatic experiences. Yet using tragic experiences as life lessons can cause unintended consequences, like feelings of shame, explains Lee.

What can intergenerational trauma look like?

Mental health symptoms can include:

depression

anxiety

substance misuse

difficulties maintaining healthy relationships

conflict avoidance

Intergenerational trauma can also have a significant effect on relationships, explains Lee. I had my first breakup in middle school when my then-boyfriend held another girl’s hand at a birthday party and promptly removed me from his top eight on Myspace. The next day, my mom shared another lesson with me: People will hurt my feelings, and my only response should be to act unbothered. I should cut off all contact, delete their number, and never mention them again. From ex-boyfriends to ex-friends, I spent the next decade pretending as if I was unaffected but actually accumulating negative feelings from every breakup I went through.

Therapy has helped me relearn that the aftermath of a breakup isn’t to prove strength but to allow space to reflect and heal. While I feel that my mom’s advice held some truth, I know that her upbringing influenced her uncompromising beliefs and strong actions to not act upset. My mom set the standard for my self-worth, but therapy has given me the extra tools to view both myself and my relationships in a healthier way.