How I Learned To Love Myself All Over Again

PAIN

Whew, Pain.

The word PAIN is such an uncomfortable word. Many people including myself run from pain, or at least I use to. I still have a slight fear of pain and even a cry of desperation of getting away from it. Heck, I know a few people who have strategically set up their life to be free from pain. It sounded silly, yet somehow reasonable. I can't say that I blame them for running away from pain. Who wants to experience pain all the time or be hit with it deeply? In our humanness it makes sense to fear certain things. For myself (and perhaps you as well) I would rather just avoid it altogether.

There are things in life that can bring you to your knees: pain, loss, fear, emptiness, sadness, etc…

However, this story is not solely about PAIN. It's about how pain (one of the main characters) brought me back to myself. How I went from believing a certain way to how through pain I grew as a person and became my authentic self.

Throughout life I have come to learn that pain can become your greatest enemy or your greatest friend. I sit here now, writing with tears in my eyes. I feel grateful, free, and uplifted. I didn't arrive at this point simply by always doing what was right, following the status quo, or even listening to myself.

For me, life has always been about kindness, fairness, multiple perspectives, and truth. Having a twin sister shaped my idea of what it means to be fair. If I received something, so did she. If she got ice cream, so did I. It was fair as fair could be. Later on, life also taught me what it looks like when things are not fair.

I also learned how people are a product of their environment. For example, I grew up in the South. My mother and her family are both from the North. My father and his family are from the South. Both of my parents had certain viewpoints that have shaped my personality and thinking. I have always had a dualistic view or even a big-picture view of the world. I have always felt both feminine and/or masculine. When I was a child, I liked to play with dolls, but I also liked to play in the mud.

Before I tell this story, I must say: Whether spiritual, religious, atheist, etc…matters not. Go where you feel loved and accepted for who you are. Whether it is a church, synagogue, a temple, or even outside in nature. I have found solace in these places, even churches that accept me for who I am. They are there, these places do exist. They help confirm your identity and belief that all of us no matter our background, ethnicity, race, gender, sexual orientation…deserve to be loved, to exist, and to be free.

I remember being reprimanded one Sunday at church when I was six years old. I had on my Sunday Best- for Easter Sunday. My mother dressed my sister and I in white crinkly dresses with very itchy stockings. During playtime, I decided to roll down the hill with the boys. <Enter laughter> They were all playing on the hill and the girls were playing on the swings or with dolls. I decided that I wanted to be one of the boys today- even in my white crinkly dress.

I remember rolling down the hill so fast, screaming at the top of my lungs. It was so fun! I got dirty, wrestled the boys, laughed, and most importantly I felt like me. Suddenly, an elder (older member of a body of church- typically ordained or have been given the title minister, deacon, etc) came rushing over telling me I should be with the girls, why was I playing with the boys? I was filthy and muddy and I ruined my outfit! She grabbed my hand and took me to my mother.

My mother who heard of what happened simply laughed and said she can choose for herself who and what she does. I had never felt so validated as a child as a human. The other members nearby, scoffed, and said playing in the mud was no place for a young girl and said I should be punished. Some even told their daughters not to play with me. All because of how women and little girls were 'suppose to behave'. My mother ignored them. She was my hero that day and still is today.

That day she protected me from the sneers, whispers, and stares. I came to grabble with the fact that not everyone will like me. This left me bruised, burdened, and ashamed. I felt like for most of my life that I had to hide my masculine energy and not show I how I feel or what I thought. If not ALL are welcomed in the house of the Lord…is it really the House of the Lord?

I still go back to that moment - wondering if I could have done something differently? Then I realized that is torture in subtle form. I forgave those members and realized they weren't were I was. Not every star shines the brightest. I remembered that they were human and still figuring things out. That their perspective was their own.

I had to learn the truth of what I was feeling, and throughout my relationships I did. I have been mocked, abused, and spoken to as less than a person. No one should have to endure that. If you are, leave - love yourself so much that what others do or say will no longer affect your peace. Go where you are celebrated for your uniqueness and your truth. You are loved and that is all.

In 2018, I had what others would call a spiritual awakening. It led me down an interesting path. I grew and changed completely as a person. I am more open, honest, loving, and frankly - real. From the past till now, I have learned to love myself regardless of what others may think. I am a feminine and masculine woman. I love all aspects of myself. For there are two souls in my body - that I both honor, respect, and love.

Before then, I use to think something was wrong, that I had a split personality, or even I was overtaken by some evil force that was not of God. The things I have heard are unimaginable - and frankly SAD. Regardless of how you feel or think about other people - Who are we to tell another soul, being, made in the image of God who they are or who they can be? Did we make them? So, are we claiming to be God, then? I don't believe so. If what we say is not bound in love, kindness, and non-judgement - should we say it?

This world is full of ugliness, bitter, loathing, hate, deceit, and violence. So, I have made it my business to bring and become love everywhere I go. I choose to be the light. In doing so, I have met a lot of obstacles. Nevertheless, love always wins. On this journey I had to reparent, self-sooth, and find the things that made me special.

I encourage you to do that today. Sunday is my self-care/self-love day. I usually write, play some music, clean, sip a glass of wine, pamper myself, listen to a sermon, pull some tarot cards, and spend time with those who love me, and love myself a little bit more. Whatever you chose, let it refill your soul.

I will say being in certain places and around other people helps. There are people who love you for you. If you haven't found them, become your authentic self - and the right people will be drawn to you.

In doing so, I have reconnected with a childhood friend, neighbor, and partner. He saw me even back then as magnificent. I have known him since I was ten, and he was six. Now I get to call him my husband. He is the most nonjudgmental, loving, and understanding person that I know. He was the first person I told my story to, and helped me accept the parts of myself that were hard to.

Though all these things are important - it was my DECISION to love myself. Yes, people can love you, but do you love you?

"Be the love you never received." - Rune LazuliI had to sit with myself and ask myself - "Do I love myself?" Prove it.

I have let people and their beliefs dictate my life for far too long. I grew to love myself - I am still healing and learning to do so even today. No matter what place you find yourself in - you can learn to love yourself over again.

It will be hard, you will cry, and even feel pain. This is an indicator you are going in the right direction. Healing is not pretty but it is necessary.

Here's how I did it:

Journaling: Write down your fears and beliefs, track your thoughts, and write down goals you have for this journey.

I am afraid of…

I believe…

Example: I was afraid to show my true selves for fear of not being accepted. I believe this is why I was always so nice and a people-pleaser. My goal is to become my most authentic self. How can I do this? By showing up unapologetically, in the way I dress, speak, and live my life.

2. Talk to Someone: Whether a trusted friend, professional, or partner. Find your Tribe and let them know how you feel. Tell them that you are on a self-loving journey and would like to either share insights, growths, failings or simply want a listening ear. I have a person for every need and stage - who do you call when you are happy? Sad? Ask them first if they have the space, time, and energy to help you. If so, tell them exactly what you need from them and get to work.

3. Go create: Through the pain comes beauty. What did you love to do as a child? Go and do that. I don't play in the mud a lot today. I do however, write, sing, dance inside or in the rain, take pictures, draw, and create music. Do what makes you come alive. Do what makes you feel free!

4. Spend time with your inner child: Take yourself out on a date, go watch a children's movie, talk to them as you wished people talked to you. You are in charge now - tell them they are safe, seen, and respected. Listen to their concerns, fears, and thoughts. Sit with them in the dark, and when they are ready - walk them into the light.

Example: REPEAT and say affirmations/chakra healing - "I am safe, I am loved, I am creative, I am enough, I speak my truth…"

I am beautiful, I am unique, I am living my best life. Words are powerful and the more you say them - the more you believe them.

What am I afraid of? Who or what hurt you as child? What is holding me back from living authentically? How can I change that? Hold your inner child's hand, hug yourself, cry, and release any emotions that come up. Scream, run, and shake if you need to. You are perfectly safe and accepted inside yourself. Accept yourself, for if you don't, who will?

5. Do the Simple Things: Walk out in nature barefooted, sing with the birds, roll in the grass, hold the door for a stranger, give out a compliment, pay-it-forward, and simply just BE.

These are the things that started my self-love journey. I still do these even now, and they have impacted me tremendously. I hope even one of these tips and possibly my story helps you too.

So, what are you waiting for? Go get started!

P.S. - Here's to kindness, to healing, and loving ourselves more brilliantly! ❤ Cheers!