How I got rich and always looked back

September 3, Labor Day Weekend

It is a truth universally acknowledged that every college student is in need of money, especially if you study history like me. It is also well known that simply working a job to obtain money is a rather tedious, slow, not to mention utterly dull way. I simply don't have the patience for it, or at least, I intend to put up a fight before resigning to this old-fashioned ideal. If I have learned anything from my studies, it is that whoever writes history literally dictates it. It is for this reason that I have decided to commit my quick-easy-big-bucks-money-making-ideas to this little black notebook I am writing in. Perhaps one day I will look on it as the beginning of greatness and publish it as a genius’ memoire with the following dedication, “To all those who believe in the power of laziness to drive innovation,” or maybe, “to those with a dwarf’s zeal for gold as well as his lack of heroism in obtaining it.”

September 4

I’ve decided to start by jotting down a list of the most profitable money-making enterprises (not schemes) I can think of, give them a try, and document my progress in this notebook as I go.

#1: Mary rich

#2: Sell non vital body part for science

#3: Create a youtube channel

#4: Find and sell an antique

#5: Run a foreign prince email scam

#6: Gamble

#7: Play the lottery

There are, I know, other lucrative ways to make quick big bucks that I am sad to say I have either rejected, or have rejected me (modelling falling in the latter category). But I will leave it at that for now. Ideas can be adjusted as I go along.

September 9

After a 15minute deep dive into page 1 google results, I’ve decided I might not be the best candidate for #2. My eating habits may have compromised the quality of some of my organs. I don’t think I can part with them in good conscience. Late night reading on organ harvesters has had no impact on my decision whatsoever. Also, I can’t remember my youtube password. Doesn’t matter, I heard the algorithm is terrible, besides grandma almost landed in the hospital trying to walk backward down the stairs while helping me film a “day in a life” vlog.

September 21

Good news, can’t believe I didn’t think of this earlier, turns out you don’t have to donate blood but you can also sell it. I’m restructuring idea #2 into selling blood/plasma. Furthermore, after blanking on possible candidates for #1, I’ve decided to keep this as a work-in-progress. You never know when the opportunity will arise. I will be ready with my appropriate swimwear. I should, perhaps, remember to read up on the ins and outs of life insurance in preparation while I’m dancing the night away.

October 30

Nixing selling blood/plasma. My queasy stomach made clear to myself and fellow blood merchants I am simply not cut out for this. It’s of no great significance, needles are a nasty thing and I’ve heard it takes forever if your heart isn’t in it. On other fronts I’ve visited a few thrift stores. Apparently I’m late to the “finding antiques” hype. To grandmother’s house we go.

November 1

Reviving #2 again (ironic considering...). A college buddy just told me about human trials for medications that make you several hundred bucks in a couple days if you qualify. Relabeling #2: participating in a human trial. Also, I found a weird looking lamp in grandma’s attic. Rubbed it just in case. Backup plan; ebay.

November 5

First mass email is out for #5. Used my college class contacts. Just waiting on those returns. #7 isn’t turning out to be lucky for me, but at least I can complain about it now. Stick with the numbers! Staying with the theme; I convinced my grandma to invite her bingo-friends over for a friendly round of poker. Turns out these sweet crocheters are really cold blooded liars. Cannot risk another blow like that to my meager savings. Need to find a new group or learn how to cheat successfully.

November 25, Black Friday

Nobody wants a genieless lamp, no surprise there. How is it though that a simple print of a painting depicting a boring yellow chair can go for hundreds? If only I had a cool Dutch last name.

December 6

Idiot. I used my own email address for #5. Now I have to convince everyone I was hacked and open up a new account. Perfect grammar, poor execution.

December 15

I’m breaking it off with science. Did not qualify for any of the experiments. Doesn’t look good for #1 if not even science wants my body.

January 1

The time has come. They say it takes a smart man to know when to quit. This time it took a broken one. The rich have nothing for me, luck frowns upon me, and I’ve lost the respect of my fake subjects. Sad to say my time would have been better invested in the slow, tedious, utterly dull way. I could fill these pages with regrets, but alas, that was not their intent. Farewell my plans, my dreams, my early retirement. Farewell.

January 4

Taylor, I hope you don’t mind this intrusion of your privacy, but after your despair of the last several days, I could not resist. While I don’t always approve of your methods, I certainly admire “the grind” as you would call it. I do hope one in your field of study will have the wisdom to look back at his past and learn from it. Facing past failure takes courage, which is a lesson more valuable than any sum of money. When you have learned this and are therefore reading these lines, I would like to reward your new found virtue with $20,000.

With love, your grandma