How Grief Translates to Strength

"It was no use, any of it,” I thought, looking up into the heavens. The

answer would not come, I knew it deep in my heart of hearts. Man

tries to save another’s life, a life whose existence is special to them —

that means something — but no man can stand against that which is

destined and in the hands of the Creator, whose power and absolute

claim absolve all peoples from holding any part in a decision made

known in that higher realm. A place in which time and flesh cease to

exist from and as reality, a place of no separation or division.

I had been too late, I realized. We had been too late. I rubbed my

palms together and blew into cupped hands, white breath rising and

vanishing as a spirit released from flesh. Who knew or could imagine

what happened at the spirit’s release? No mortal is allowed that

wisdom, not fully. I watched the stars, searching the constellations for

answers not found in written word or human speech.

“Why?” I whispered to the great, dark, abyss above; grief and strain

tugging at my heart, piercing it with all the unanswered questions, the

meaningless conjecture, all formed with words inadequate to describe

the depth and complexity of my current state of consciousness and

vast chaotic array of emotions.

Then a different feeling filled my heart, my soul, one that came once

again from nowhere and everywhere at the same time it seemed:

For all the glories we cannot see or understand, we doubt, and in

doubting retain selfishness. Not the greed of money changers or

thieves, but a deeper, chronic aching selfishness of which no being

ever wishes to have knowledge, or ever wish imparted upon another.

This type of want is one that materializes when something we hold as

so precious, invaluable, so irreplaceable is soon to be lost. With all our

might we cling to whatever that precious piece of us is, but when it is

another human being in whom we’ve seen reflections of our own soul,

one cherished, we exert every ounce of energy in keeping that being,

that living extension of ourselves, close to us. The energy does not

leave us through physical exertion, but through a labor of the spirit' to

preserve another's soul in physical nearness to our own — the soul

being intrinsically and wholly intangible dooms such laborious effort

in that the aim and desire have never been, cannot, and never will be

made manifest.

It is curious, that in the flesh we can only ever be so close and only in

spirit' can we become utterly one with another — so is the human

condition — to always be yearning for a galactic depth we cannot reach

and a subatomic closeness we cannot measure.

There is a place where love equates pain and it is in these moments

that it is a great blessing to become coherent of the true realities of

separation. To be human is to know separation, to know loss; to be

spirit' is to be liberated from this tangible prison of distance and

deficit and so to be released from all pangs and ache associated with

grief.

When the answer cannot be found, when the overwhelming flood of

understanding that there is nothing to be done comes upon us, that

“knowing” wrenches hearts and overshadows the soul. It is arguably

the worst human emotion that exists: helplessness ; complete

deficiency.

A

characteristic innate in all humans today as it was when homosapiens

first established dominance as a species is that of control; taking

matters into our own hands, fixing what is broken, solving problems

as they arise and present themselves. The notion has been put forth

that the innate, inherently strong ability to exercise care and

command over ourselves and by extension over the ones we love is

why we even exist at all.

When we lose something so great, when we are faced with realities

that go beyond our capabilities to resolve or “take care of”, the human

part of us feels that it has become weak in its powerlessness. The body

oftentimes goes into shock. When a body goes into shock, the old

brain, our primitive brain takes over every action. One enters into a

“survival mode” simply to protect the logical and philosophical parts

of the brain which in trauma can be quickly overwhelmed and shut

down. When this occurs, the spiritual part of a person is not exactly

the part of us we turn to and recognize, even as believers in a Creator,

God, or higher power.

After the body comes out of shock, then follows the flood, the

emotions, the why’s, what if’s, and if only’s. Our intelligent mind

begins seeking answers to why this trauma has happened and how to

find reason in the unreasonable. It is then that we seek solace in the

dark glare of a life that has been so dramatically and irrevocably

altered and changed. How can one go on? How can one again be made

whole after being diminished? Our hearts so broken and our bodies so

weak.

As the moments pass as hours, and the days pass on like years, we

wander, wonder, are lost. Drifting and aimless, floating in between the

past and future; our present takes on characteristics of dreams. A

person will return again and again to what passed, or may consider it

not at all. Perhaps a person will only comprehend it from a view

outside of themselves — the body, like the mind, tends to avoid

directly observing something it is protecting itself from and not yet

prepared to understand.

Time passes. Life returns to a routine and some normalcy, but the

displacement from such a shift cannot be unmade.

In this life, we are faced with challenges so immense and traumas so

unimaginable that we cannot return to the way we were before we

reached that sudden junction in our life. In many respects, this is

devastating, but in some, greater respects, trauma can change a person

so greatly that they see the world through new eyes. They see life

through new eyes, from a new vantage point, through a new lens.

Some go a dark, twisting trail of bitterness and anger, deep sorrow and

horrible pain. But, then, how wonderful to know that there is another

path: the path less traveled by.

This path, while winding, is filled with light. A light so luminous it

disseminates, obliterates, wholly eliminates the darkness. In a way we

cannot avoid or understand, this “light” fills us with comfort, joy,

gratitude, clarity, wisdom, and so thereby, opportunity.

To know God is to know that His plan is perfect. As humans we are

unable to see in full scale how perfect it is and how it is pieced together

over time, completely pure and entirely without blemish.

From the challenges and trauma we see that what God has done has

been for the ultimate benefit, continuity and velocity of his plan until it

culminates in the salvation of the souls he created.

Where he presented a challenge, he also presented the ability to

overpower the challenge or challenger as well as the agility to avert

and pass over obstacles and roadblocks — like track runners leaping

over hurdles. The hurdles are so much greater and intimidate with so

much power, compared to polyurethane stick horses that necessitate

only the strength of the body to pass over.

Where he placed a trauma, he also placed the opportunity for the

trauma to strengthen, embolden, enliven. Such traits come only

through the will to persevere, however. The Creator treasures those of

his creation that have been tempered in the fire to shine as the purest

gold. An easy life, a life of comfort and ignorance of grief and pain is a

life that cannot say it has persevered through anguish and torment.

It is those of us, perhaps you as well as I, that have plummeted those

depths into darkness and despair, who have an essence like a shimmer

that people notice, are attracted to, but cannot describe or put name

to. We know what it is they sense in our energy. The very vibration of

our atomic structures shifted after we so intimately knew the trauma

we did. We emit a new frequency — frequencies that can actually be

measured.

He gi ves a person ways to use the terror of a negative experience to

help others, to grow stronger, and most importantly trauma is a way in

which we are given an incredibly direct way to connect to our Creator

in ways we never knew to be possible.

Where there was pain, he took it away, where there was physical or

mental stress, he gave the ultimate comfort, where there was loss, he

provided the ultimate gain — if we seek it.

Understand, there is no death, there will only ever be the purest and

most perfect release.

So, live your life with gratitude that losing control can only serve as an

indicator that God has assumed control. Take comfort that His plan is

perpetuated daily, even in our own suffering and the suffering of

strangers — which God did not intend, but can use to propagate

growth and closeness to each other. Even through events we believe

are too tragic to create good.

His plan is too great for us to see how all the pieces and cogs and

wheels fit together yet, but it is His plan. That is all we really ever

needed to know. Trust in His power that what Satan tries to use to

disarm us, he will use to outfit us anew. What is bad will be used for

our good.

“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

We cannot see how all ties together, but let each individually, and all

together, take heart that what is lost to us on Earth is immediately

restored in the spiritual realm and that one day, such losses shall come

no more.

His ways are mysterious, but wonderful and His love consumes us as

fire. And while all is in His control, when He exercises it in a personal way,

it is just one of the many gifts He gives us, if we are only able to see with

open eyes, open ears, and open hearts.