How Do You React and What Do You Say When Your Child Tells You He Hates You?

When the child tells you that he hates you - a difficult moment in the life of any parent: the little one for whom you would do anything suddenly throws these cruel words in front of you, with malice or anger that shocks and blocks you. Many parents go through the moment when the child (or teenager) shouts "I hate you".

And although the first time you hear your child say that he hates you, you will suffer or get angry, the key is to avoid these two reactions. It is very difficult, but you must not let these words hurt you and block your communication.

And you don't even have to allow anger to dominate you, responding with an attack. What you must try, as a parent, is to understand what the child wants to convey: the words "I hate you" hide a message behind it.

When the child tells you that he hates you:

Especially at younger ages, the words "I hate you" of the child hide a lot of negative emotions that the little one can not reconcile and face. Emotions dominate a child, who does not have developed self-control and therefore can not manage them, so to react rationally - he will react emotionally.

Many times, when he tells you that he hates you, the little one feels misunderstood and unheard, ignored or wronged - which ultimately leads to anger. So he will attack with this reply, which, through its effect on the parent, shows him that he has the power to hurt. So "I hate you" often means "you don't understand me," "you're unfair," "I feel confused, I feel too many negative emotions right now."

At other times, especially in older children and adolescents, the words "I hate you" are a way to gain some power in the relationship with parents. The child feels that he has no control at all in his life, that he must always do what others tell him to do. And he knows that he may have a chance to get something - or at least punish his unjust parents - with these two words.

How the parent should react when the child says "I hate you":

First of all, do not be overly affected: no, the child will not hate you, even if for a moment his anger or wickedness seems to show the opposite. Two words can hurt the parent a lot, but keep in mind that they express negative emotions that a child cannot control.

Feelings of not being understood, listened to, treated fairly lead to anger, and anger makes him burst (for the moment, his anger and his desire to make you feel as bad as he feels shows hatred).

Secondly, the most inappropriate ways to react when your child tells you he hates you are, unfortunately, the most common: to react angrily in turn, thus blocking any understanding and creating a major conflict; and completely ignore the child's cry, believing that he will calm down on his own. But ignoring him only shows that you don't care how he feels - so even if he calms down, the emotional crisis still exists.

Never respond to the words "I hate you" by saying, "You're saying nonsense" (so denying her feelings), "Don't be naughty with me, go and calm down" (so call on authority), the house "(so punishing his feelings)," you only have, but I don't change my mind "(so trying to seem indifferent to his feelings).

All these reactions will not solve anything in the parent-child relationship: and the goal is to improve this relationship, using even these difficult moments. Instead of a destructive reaction (attack, punishment, indifference), try a constructive reaction: after all, adults are responsible for maintaining a healthy relationship with children.

As a parent, you need to find the self-control, the will, and the strength to deal with difficult situations in a way that leads to a problem. Although it is difficult, although you often feel so stressed and nervous that you are about to snatch the child, you must try to disarm a conflict situation and create a situation in which to communicate.

What can you do constructively when your child tells you he hates you? The most important thing: is to keep calm; Secondly, think about what caused his outburst: something must have happened that made him feel misunderstood, wronged, and angry.

Did you forbid him, ignore him, punish him, or did something bad happen in the family? The next step is to show them that you accept their emotions and that you are trying to understand them, projecting these emotions: "how angry/upset you are now - do you feel like that because…?". If he stays with you, try to talk to him about what bothered him (attention: without giving up, however, if he wanted something and you forbade him; you can compromise, but he never allows you to manipulate).

But often, the child does not listen to you, because he feels that he does not listen to either: so he will run angrily into his room, slamming the door. What are you doing? You go to the door, you tell him that you notice how angry and sad he is and that, when he wants, you want to listen to what he feels because, although he hates you for a moment, you care about him and you want to understand each other.

It is very important to try to direct his sadness, anger, anger towards the right target: therefore, from you to the situation; when he says "you did it" or "it's your fault", you can rephrase it so that he understands that he doesn't hate you as a parent, but he hates a certain situation: "so you feel nervous/upset because you didn't get it." /it happened…".

It is not easy: when the child tells you that he hates you, to keep calm, not to be too affected, and to reach a communication situation may seem impossible, especially when the child refuses to listen and talk.

But just by showing him that you understand that he is going through negative emotions, just by telling him that you care and that you want to listen to him and just trying until the child speaks, something can be solved.