His and Hers

His

I have never been enough, going as far back as I can remember. Most of the time I can forget it, but those times I fail, I can’t shake the thought that it was inevitable. My wife has looked at me for most of our marriage like she thought I was enough. It felt good to finally feel that from someone. It’s why I thought our marriage was special, because she chased away that stupid nagging voice in my head.

‘You aren’t worth it.’

‘You won’t make it.’

‘You will inevitably fail everyone.’

She never made me feel that way, and it was like I could finally breath until I couldn’t. It was like one moment changed everything, and she looked at me like I had failed her, but in truth she had failed me. I charted my path in life revolved around her: my job, our house, my time, my effort. I did everything for her. She just didn’t care, didn’t care to see any of it. She felt that she had the right to be somehow disappointed in me after I had given her more than I had given anyone. Even in the face of all of that I still want her. She isn’t who she was when I married her. I see her numbness. I see her unhappiness. I see the flinches even in the silence as I try to argue with her to help her see me past herself. I don’t know what to do. I cannot fix this and it breaks me when I think about it. No wonder she doesn’t want me anymore. How did we get here? Sleeping side by side but miles away from each other. I didn’t know how to bridge that distance, and I think that even if I did know she wouldn’t see it. She had retreated so far into herself into her own thoughts, that I could never reach her. I was willing for a change, but I also knew that she most likely felt nothing for me. I was numb too if I was honest. How long had I just going through the motions? Was that my fault or hers?

Hers

I think my husband thinks that one day I just woke up and the light was hitting him just right and my sleep had been just bad enough that when I looked at him I just hated everything that I saw and there’s truth to that but it wasn’t all in one moment it was a gradual burn it was like I painted this picture a little everyday and I suddenly realized that I hated it I hated the picture that I had painted and I once loved the idea of this picture instead of trying to fix it instead of trying to move forward with it I just sat crosslegged on the floor and stared at this picture hating it hating myself for painting it it was terrible I was bored I was lonely I was tired and I was mad I was mad at myself for my choice of person I was mad at him for being who he was I was mad for the past pain the little fights that lingered the little things that were said in a random moment. Things I thought I could just ignore and just get over but as time progressed and little thing after little thing after little thing piled on top of each other I realized he didn’t care like I cared and that had been my fear all of my life that I would be in a marriage that I would be in a family, that I had personally chosen not the one given at the start of my life, a family that didn’t love me the way that I loved them I was terrified it wasn’t like it was a loveless marriage there was still beautiful parts wonderful parts and it wasn’t like there was this huge fall out either it was just like one day I woke up and I thought I can’t do this anymore. So maybe it was a moment of just waking up differently. Waking up to the knowledge I wanted more and deserved more. That maybe it might be better to just be alone because the pain inflicted would just be from myself. It would be safer that way. It was all of these feelings and more that landed me into this spot into the very chair that I sit in waiting for my husband to see a couples counselor waiting to see if he’ll show up and be present and be apart of this like I feel that I am this marriage is doomed to failure this marriage is doomed to just dissolve as it is but that doesn’t mean after all that after all these feelings that there is love lost I think somehow I will always love him. I just can’t let this love hurt like this anymore.