Here’s the 9 dating revelations I’ve realized over the years

1. Being independent and being single are not exclusive to each other: I was always raised to be independent. I found fulfillment in getting things done on my own account and always saw dependence as a weakness. However, it is possible to be in a relationship and feel independent; it’s just a matter of aligning with someone who matches your emotional, physical and mental needs. I’ve always been a little scared of commitment, and thought that being in a relationship meant losing your own identity. And our 21st century free spirit millennial ways have maybe honed in a little too hard the need to embrace your independence at all times.

2. Knowing the difference between intuition and fear: Ahhh, this is something I still currently struggle with. When something feels off, where is it stemming from? Does it stem from irrational fears and past experiences? Or is it a gut feeling that something is off? I’ve learned quite a bit from my past relationships and dating experiences, including what red flags to look for. However, to the same degree, everyone is different, so just because you dealt with someone else’s emotional unavailability in the past does NOT mean you should carry that into your future relationships. It’s okay to track patterns but if you feel like you’re prematurely ending relationships out of fear, then maybe it’s time to define what fear and intuition look like to you.

3. Stop meddling in your friend’s lives: This one was especially humbling. First of all, I know I’m not the oracle of dating by any means, but in the past, I have written a relationship column and used to film mini videos where I asked people around my campus about their love lives back in college. So, yeah I was kind of a big deal in school.

So of course, when my friends came to me with dating dilemmas, I gave my two cents fully. But one slightly intoxicated night, I gave my friend the old blunt ‘he’s just not that into you’ and she was pissed the next day. It was mostly because of the tone I used but I felt awful for telling my friend something that clearly wasn’t my place to say. The thing is, if you sense something off in people’s romantic entanglements, as a friend, it’s up to you whether you actually want to speak up. If you do, tell your friend to take it with a grain of salt. But ultimately, your friends are going to do whatever they want anyway, so let them make their mistakes and grow from it. And serve as a guide rather than bulldozing onto their love lives.

4. It’s okay to be vulnerable: I had dated a guy in college for a few months who always mentioned that he was always trying to figure me out. While he seemed to enjoy the mysterious allure in the beginning, it grew into frustration by my refusal to open up. Showing my cards felt incredibly vulnerable, and the truth was, at the time, I really liked him so much, that I was afraid of losing him. And had I just communicated that, who knows what would’ve happened? But instead, as a self-fulfilling prophecy, I lost him and kept my pride instead. Vulnerability can be messy and imperfect but in a lot of ways, it makes the connection more real. That doesn’t mean you go and paint ‘I love you’ on your forehead per se, but opening up about your past and feelings can allow you and your partner to relate.

5. Do not wait around for anyone for someone to be ready: I truly wished I told myself this in college. I regret wasting so much time hoping that someone would finally be ready to commit to me. While I was relatively young when I learned this, it’s something I have to constantly remind myself. I want to feel chosen by someone every day, and if I’m not receiving that, then that’s enough for me to walk away from someone. And while 18 year old me needed to be slapped, it was a lesson I needed to become stronger moving forward.

6. Setting boundaries is dope: I haven’t had too many serious relationships, but I’ve realized that what I deal with in the courting process is often what I get in the actual relationship, which has resulted in me trying to please my partner’s every move. But taking a step back, I’ve also realized that I’ve completely shafted my own needs. Now I take notes of my boundaries and wants: “Well, yeah I would like it if you texted more” and “No, I’m not okay with you canceling plans again so last minute.” Being aware of your standards is great, and then you need to tackle the ever so scary hurdle of communicating your standards (without feeling needy, desperate, aggressive) Easy stuff right?

7. Compatibility is not about common interests: I actually didn’t know this until last year. I had always dated people who were similar to me, and in some ways it was great but for the most part, I’ve massively enjoyed sharing different interests in my relationships. I’m sure we’ve all been there asking ourselves: how else am I going to meet someone who eats spicy ramen, loves doing 500 piece puzzles, and reads self-help books the way I do? Yeah all those things don’t actually need to be shared. Instead, I’ve learned that sharing the same values is massively more important than having things in common. You don’t need someone to love all the things you do, but moreso, you need someone who accepts those little idiosyncrasies about yourself. To quote 500 Days of Summer, “Just because you both like the same weird shit, doesn’t make her your soulmate.”

8. You can’t date men when you hate men: This is coming from a heterosexual woman’s perspective I’m aware, but I sometimes can hate men. But no, not individually! In the illuminating novel: ‘How to date men when you hate men’, I learned that I don’t hate men individually, but more so as a group because of the systematic oppression (and assholery) they can represent. I hated when men catcalled me on the street, or thought ‘you’re really pretty for a brown woman’ was a compliment to me. I have had men say some pretty idiotic nonsense to me, and I’ll admit that it can sometimes get in the way of my dating life. I try not to let that get in the way because I’ve also met some wonderfully open minded and kind- hearted men.

9. You cannot f*ck up the right thing: My gosh, all of this dating advice can be culminated to this one statement, and probably could’ve saved me years of chasing, humiliation and feelings of unworthiness. Only one relationship in your life is going to be successful (unless you’re poly, no judgement). If you let that simple statement sink in, then all the worrying and overanalyzing can be put to bed and replaced with peace of mind. Know that you are worthy of love, and that if someone walks away at the first sign of trouble or some sort of miscommunication, then they are NOT your person. While relationships do require compromise and work, it’s important that you both take accountability and strive to maintain a healthy relationship.