Here I Am

Here I am at 42. Here I am in my dream home. Here I am 19 years sober from Alcoholism. (I willingly and gratefully entered residential treatment when I was 24 years old, on the verge of death by slow suicide). Here I am recovered from self harm and anorexia. Here I am doing what I love for work. Here I am making it after all these years. Here I am approaching my third wedding anniversary. Here I am at the prime of my life.

Here I am losing my father to alcoholic suicide a few months ago. Here I am realizing I'll never have that closure I didn't even fully realize I was waiting on. Here I am knowing I sincerely tried to save my dad by 'attraction vs promotion'. Here I am feeling how it feels when you realize your intuition and faded memories were right all along as the entire bottom drops out of your life. Suddenly you just don't know who you are. Here I am watching the curtains fall. Watching the roaches crawl. Here I am with my heart beating out of my chest. Here I am feeling dangerously raw.

I live in a fun house mirror world. I was born into this world. I have been marinated in narcissistic poison since the day I was born. And I was born aware and highly sensitive. In spite of deep seeking and healing for over 3 decades, I have willingly overlooked the reddest of flags in someone. Much like I did in my own father.

Because I can see and feel to the innocent core.

When a 5 year old sees red flags…..who listens? Who is listening now?

I can't sleep these days. It's becoming hard to think and to speak. At times I lose my balance and I can feel the onset of physical symptoms in my body. We can only endure so much. When life becomes so insane that the only thing left is to talk into a computer...

Abuse does that. Gaslighting does that. Dishonesty, verbal, emotional, psychological, physical and sexual abuse literally destabilize a persons nervous system and sense of self and puts their life at risk. All emotion is energy in motion. Every human contains and has access to every emotion. Through nuance of tone, volume, affect, choice of words and the energy which puts the thought into motion through sound vibration- we communicate to one another.

When a grown male human has no control over his emotions; when he becomes an emotional 5 year old in a grown males body and delivers volcanic eruptions of rage directly into the face of his wife we can be certain this will have a detrimental cascade of effects in her emotional and physical body. Add having his fist landing .5" from your temple as he growls and says SMASH. Having this pattern of rage and reconnect, rage and reconnect repeat consistently and in increasing hostility over the course of 3 years; even the strongest, most resilient being of light will begin to develop physical symptoms and ailing health. Even the most committed and loving wild creature of faith will need to seek refuge somewhere safe.

I'm so tired. I'm so alone. I feel I've lost my faith.

Here I am.

Pause.

Who else knows what its like to be alone?

Here I am calling my Mother for help. Here she is calling me back. Here I am saying, 'Hi Mom I'm feeling sad and overwhelmed and needed someone to talk to'. Here is my Mother saying, 'Oh yes, what's going on'. Here we are talking for 3 and a half hours. Here I am asking my Mom how she got through the hard times in life. Here we are talking more real than we ever have; and it's been real. Here I am getting out of myself. Here I am telling my Mother I see her and I admire her resilience, wisdom and strength.

Here I am heart swelling with the beat of my ancestors drums. To receive I simply become a channel of Love. We are One. Pour into yourself by pouring into another. Gratitude.

Thank you, Mother (my-other).

Tears in wide eyes piercing dusk falling over the wilderness outside.