“Hello, YOU” (Reference to the Netflix series YOU)

I agreed with my husband and my son’s father that enough is enough, I will leave to find my own way in life, that I could not live like this anymore, with his parents, with him as my bother not my husband.

Bored after work, was looking through Facebook profiles, not paying much attention to anyone. I see this guy who seemed a contradiction in terms and I smile. 2 weird pictures: in one with a katana sword posing, in one hugging a teddy bear. Picture quality was not the best, this was 2007 and I had a cheap monitor. I was intrigued. Messaged him saying “So…which one are you? The tough guy with the sword or the sweet guy with the teddy bear?” His profile said he lives in Portugal so figured he couldn’t be someone I would meet on the street. I’ll have fun talking to him. He replies “which ever the situation calls for, you look familiar, do we know each other?” I said “I doubt it… you live very far from me”. We started talking about music, and life and movies and other useless stuff. There was a weird calmness about him. We used to laugh a lot at each other. He confessed he no longer lives in Portugal but in actual fact lives in the town I went to high school. This blew my mind. He was living 30km from me! I confessed I was married and had a child. Weirdly he was not surprised or put off by this. Asked me if I was serious or just playing, if I was happy in my marriage and told him the whole story, how I want to leave my husband. He seemed so caring and careful in his words, and he liked all the things that I liked, and was sweeping me off my feet constantly. Kept saying he wants to see me, but I had a feeling this is too good to be true. On paper he was the perfect guy: good looking, good job, super smart, caring, romantic. Too bad he wasn’t tall with blue eyes and dimples like I always dreamed my guy to be. But I can compromise if he really is the guy he says he is. After almost 2 months I agreed to meet him for a coffee at midday and asked him to meet me in my hometown as I was visiting my parents for my mum’s birthday. He agreed. We decided on a meeting point in front of a pharmacy, a short walk from a restaurant where would have the coffee. As I arrived I was on the opposite side of the road and started to cross the street thinking he is not there yet. Suddenly I see this tall, dark guy, walking towards me, smiling and as he approaches I see the biggest, bluest eyes I ever saw in my life. Without any thinking and any judgment I had 1 thought: “Thank you God for bringing him to me”. I was in shock, I am pretty woman and loads of guys liked me, but I am also a small woman, tiny body, no high heels on, I suddenly feel he’s out of my league, I’m next to a giant. For a few good 2 minutes all we did was walk side by side, in silence, wondering in my head if he likes me, if he says nothing because he’s disappointed. We arrive at the restaurant, order something I can’t even remember and for the next 2 hours we talk about a lot of things, nothing important, and I do most of the talking. He was quiet and was staring at me with those big blue eyes, almost with this eerie, unnatural look. I couldn’t look at him as my breath was shortening. I was love struck. Hard. He was a closed book. No emotions on his face. At all. At one point I was left whiteout things to talk about. .and said.. well I’ll make my way back home as my mum’s party starts soon. He said ok, we’ll talk online soon. We hugged, no kiss, nothing and went on opposite directions. I was walking home and couldn’t make sense of this date all. Was it even a date? I was sure he didn’t like me.. I mean.. nothing to say.. no reaction, no emotion, nothing. I was talking to myself all the way home when I broke out in tears and decided to call him. On the phone the same calm voice, emotionless. I asked him how he thought the date went because I felt no connection from him and want an honest answer, as I don’t want to waste my time and his if this is not mutual. He said he was sure all this time he was talking to some woman he’s ex-girlfriend and fiancée (who really badly cheated on him and ended the relationship more than a year ago) got to torment him on-line, to mock him, and he just played along as he was sure it was all a lie. And when he realised it was not, that I literally had nothing to do with his ex, he didn’t know what to do as he realised this is all real. And that if I want to leave my husband for him he would move in with me and my son straight away and marry me. WHAT????? I was in shock again. WHAT??? Who says that after the 1st date?? WHAT???? But.. I was in love head over heels. I couldn’t think straight, I didn’t see the weird situation. I was happy and over the moon, my dream guy on paper actually fell in love with me as well. What could go wrong??? In 2 more months of constant wooing me, cover and shower me with love gestures and presenting me to his mother and sister I left my husband and moved back home with my parents for a while (that’s another fun story). He was everything I dreamed of and more, he was my end and my beginning and for him I would do anything.

I should have seen the signs… The messages from his ex, the lies, the warnings from his family. We moved in together, a series of unfortunate events happened, life happened, we got married, moved to 3 different countries in 13 years, bought 2 different homes and lost them, lost my confidence, my pride, lost his family, had 6 surgeries due mostly to stress and lost 2 organs, got diabetes at 28, killed my dreams, gained 15 kg, alienated everyone, he gas lighted me constantly, only to find out through a philologist 2 years ago he has ASPD- he is a high functioning sociopath and most likely does not even know it, could not even conceive it. He is not a bad man, don’t get me wrong, we’ve been through a lot together, just a broken one who is very good at making me feel broken so he can feel better. And I still love him. A lot. Don’t ask me why or how as love has no reason. I know everything he does is calculated and does nothing without a reason in mind.

He admitted to never actually felling in love with me, but that in time he actually loved me a lot, which is more important, and that his is a conscious decision to be with me, not a chemical reaction in his brain, that he trusts me more than any other human. No butterflies here. That I am a good match for him as I am smart, and pretty and faithful and love him. I saw this series on Netflix called You about a psychopath and his conquests and saw so many similarities in his behaviour and my husband’s like the stare, the look in his eyes, some things he said and did (not the weird and violent, gruesome stuff obviously). We are honest with each other all the time, we don’t talk about feelings as this is gibberish to him, but can’t help my heart breaking in small pieces every night when he rejects me or has emotionless, cold sex with me, and picking up the pieces every morning when he wakes me up with hugs and kisses that he gives me to make me feel better. I am not sure if not knowing and thinking it was me and believing he was in love with me was better, than knowing it’s not me but never felt anything real for me and chooses me to be his partner is better. Don’t judge, I’m working on it..

So much for I am a strong and independent woman and all I ever wanted was love…