Hello, Goodbye

This day... it’s been ten years since you left us. I miss you. I never got the chance to tell you how I feel and I will always regret it. I love you Aric.

I closed my small black notebook, the only one who knows my secrets other than myself. The things that I can’t bring myself to even tell my therapist. The best secret keeper is one who doesn’t have a mouth! I remind myself.

I got up from my desk and got dressed for the day, trying to quiet my mind. Yet, today wasn’t like every other day; it has been a decade since I lost one of my good friends...we had met when his brother Ian and I started dating. We all eventually lived together under the same roof, but it was almost forbidden of me to talk to anyone other than Ian. Yet, when Ian was at work, Aric and I would watch TV together, making fun of reality shows and laughing. He was the complete opposite of Ian; someone I could be myself around and open up to. Nothing romantic ever happened between us... yet, looking back I would say he was my soul mate.

Looking at my reflection in the mirror I thought to myself, “Why haven’t you visited him? You didn’t attend his funeral; the least you could have done over time is leave flowers on his grave.”

I never could bring myself to accept that he was gone. Why does the world have to be so cruel? Evil running rampant yet the kindest soul had to leave. It never made any sense to me.

“Why not today?” I thought again “You had no plans for the weekend anyways.”

My thoughts turned into an impulsive decision.

I grabbed my car keys, checked my fluids, and drove to the gas station to fill up. Dallas, Texas was a five- hour drive, but I felt like I needed this getaway more than ever. Getting onto the interstate, I opened the sunroof and blasted Three Days Grace through the stereo, singing at the top of my lungs.

I stopped halfway in Oklahoma City, filling up on gas and then stopping at a florist, picking out the most beautiful bouquet I could find.

It was afternoon now, but I had finally arrived at the cemetery in the heart of Dallas. If not for google I wouldn’t have known where he was. Even with the help I searched for nearly 15 minutes before finding his plot:

Aric Vincent Kalvin

January 1, 1988 – February 13, 2011

His picture was on his headstone, his smile brightening the surroundings more than any flowers could. Almost immediately the tears started falling.

Why wasn’t I there when it happened?! What if I could have saved you?! What could I have done to change your fate?! I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!!!

My thoughts and what-ifs couldn’t stay in my mind any longer. I fell to my knees, sobbing and choking out words for him, “I miss you so much. I wish you would have never left, I should have never left! I will always regret never telling you that I love you. Please be at peace...”

With nothing else to hold onto, I hugged his headstone, hoping that there was an afterlife and wishing I had a time machine. All of the emotions I had bottled up for a decade came pouring out, and after confessing my feelings to this silent stone, I fell asleep with exhaustion, nothing left to give.

A touch to my shoulder woke me. I looked up, immediately apologizing before realizing who I was talking to. It was an elderly couple, not a groundskeeper as I had originally assumed.

“Are you alright?” the woman asked. I had never seen either of them before. I felt horrible for interrupting the time they were trying to spend in the cemetery.

“Yes, I didn’t intend to fall asleep here, I’m so sorry!” I replied.

The woman continued, “Oh, that’s quite alright, we just wanted to make sure you were okay! My name is Dalene and this is my husband, Nicolas. You actually happen to be at our son’s grave.... did you know him?”

I looked at them curiously. I knew Aric’s parents yet these were not the people I knew from the past. However, I did know that Aric had been adopted at birth. These must be his biological parents, I thought.

“Yes, I did, I am so sorry for your loss. Your son was the most beautiful soul I have ever met.” I proceeded to tell them several of my memories from the prior years, a smile taking over my face.

“We love hearing these stories about him” Dalene continued. “Memories like yours and the others we have heard keep him alive in our hearts. We always thought about him, and since he died, we come here every year, asking ourselves if he would be here with us right now if we had never given him up. Wondering if we failed as parents. Our past prevented us from being in his life like we should have been. I tell myself that we did, in fact do the right thing because we know through everyone else how magnificent he turned out to be.”

I agreed, “You gave him his best chance! He always had a smile on his face. Don’t have any regrets because he was the type of person to change your outlook on life. If I told you about what he did for me if would take days. I will forever be grateful for him. I’m glad to hear based off of what you’ve told me, that he has a decent amount of visitors, that’s the least he deserves.”

Nicolas finally spoke up, “Is there any chance your name is Alivia?”

I looked at him questioningly, answering “Yes...but I didn’t mention that earlier. How do you know my name?”

“Well,” he continued, “as my wife mentioned we have been visiting every year for a decade. Not only to pay our respects but to also find an Alivia, and seeing that we have never met you before I was hoping that you were. If you don’t mind my asking, what is your last name?”

“Boyd” I responded. “Why have you been looking for me?”

His eyes brightened, as if my last name brought relief to him. “You are the one. At Aric’s funeral, his adoptive parents gave us something to give you if our paths were to ever cross, seeing as they were moving out of the state back then. Let me go to the car, I’ll be right back.”

Feelings overwhelmed me; anger for the Kalvin family abandoning their son, curiosity of what I was about to be given from them, I was sure it wouldn’t be anything good. The only good that came from that family was Aric. I pushed the feelings aside as Nicolas approached me. He outstretched his arm, handing me a small black book nearly identical to the one I had back at home. Alivia Boyd was etched into the cover, the silver lettering shimmering in the now setting sunlight. It was clearly something I had not left behind, seeing that the journal was new and I wasn’t known for adding my name to the front. He pulled a thick envelope from the breast pocket of his jacket, handing it to me as well.

“They are all from Aric.” My eyes widened as he continued, “That’s all we know and that’s all we need to know. We’ve kept these private and sealed, I think it’s important for you to be the only one to see what he left behind for you.”

I could feel tears coming on again. “I know we just met, but can I please hug you?” I said, knowing it wouldn’t be sufficient but it would bring me closer to Aric than I have been in years.

Without a word, both Dalene and Nicolas embraced me. I could feel that they needed the hug just as much as I did. “I’m so glad we finally found you” Dalene breathed. “It’s like we have finally done right by our son. We will get going to give you some privacy. Please,” she continued, pulling a pen and small notepad from her purse, “take our number. We live here in the city so anytime you need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate.” She handed the paper with their phone number on it to me, and I gladly accepted, nodding my head.

“I will! I don’t know how to thank you enough for caring so much as to hold on to this for me for so long!” I responded, my thoughts running wild in wonder with what the envelope and journal contained.

“It was nice to meet you Alivia, stay well” Dalene and Nicolas finished saying their goodbyes, walking away to the car across the lot. I wiped away the last of my tears as they drove away, waving goodbye through the glass windows.

I looked down at the headstone for one last time, kissing the top of it. “Until next time” I whispered. The sun had set behind the trees, sending ominous shadows through the graveyard. I made my way back to my car and opened the door to sit in the front seat. I turned on the overhead light, and finally looked at what I held in my hands.

Open me first! Was written on the front of the thick envelope in Aric’s handwriting. It was eerie seeing a message from beyond the grave. With my anxiety getting the best of me, I opened the seal, my jaw dropping immediately and my hands starting to shake. With widened eyes, I stared at what looked to be hundreds of green and blue tinted one-hundred-dollar bills pressed up to both sides of the envelope!

“WHAT IS THIS?!” I shouted in disbelief. Pulling the money out of the envelope confirmed that it all was indeed one-hundred-dollar bills. “What is this for??”

Nothing else remained in the envelope so I placed the cash back inside, turning to the journal.

This better have an explanation I told myself. Taking a deep breath, I opened the leather journal by the metal clasp.

STEP ONE: