Hello??

I was woken at 1am, by my partner, B, coming to bed, expressing his disbelief that I had managed to fall asleep despite the neighbours being so noisy. In my half-sleep, I wondered whether this was irony. I’d always struggled with the concept. I came to slowly, increasingly aware of the fact that the bed was vibrating rhythmically, a girl was shrieking and I could smell skunk. Someone was having a party. B declared that he was putting his ear plugs in and got into bed.

After a few more skunk filled breaths, I decided that ear plugs weren't the best strategy for educating the neighbours about their antisocial ways. Obviously, this was my priority at 1am, frustrated, sleep deprived and, by this point, possibly slightly stoned. So I padded out of the flat in my pyjamas into the corridor, which had taken on a green tinge that I wasn't prepared to attribute solely to the emergency exit light. The vibrations were rising from the basement flat, which, as far as I was aware, was occupied by two brothers and was therefore probably not the source of the late night sex noises. I assumed that I wasn't going to solve that mystery tonight and wrestled with a mixed sense of disappointment and relief as I approached the open door.

I knocked. No response. I knocked again and cautiously stepped inside. “Hello??”, I offered into the greenish smog, “Hello??”. Nothing, except the vibrating bass and girly shrieks. Please don’t let the sex noises start, I thought, suddenly mortified that I was inside someone else’s flat at 1am, in my pyjamas, with hair that must look like a lion’s mane and a rapidly increasingly dry mouth. I thought about running off, but got caught in slightly panic stricken, mildly stoned thoughts that they would see me running away and would think I was a peeping Tom. There was no way to recover from that. Bugger. I became increasingly aware of my heart beating. No point turning back. I took another step into the flat. “HELLO???” I yelled, slightly surprised by my own lung capacity.

“Someone just said hello…” said the female voice. The bass continued. “I’m sure someone just said hello.” “Hello!” I tried again, this time between vibrations, attempting to sound slightly less like an axe wielding, maned, peeping Tom, however one does that.

One of the men I’d seen before appeared in front of me, thankfully, fully clothed. “Er… Hello?” he said. I thought we’d passed that. “Any chance you could turn it down?” “Sorry?” Well, quite. My point exactly. “ANY CHANCE YOU COULD TURN IT DOWN?” I yelled, making what I could only assume was the universal sign for “turn it down” with one hand over my ear and the other turning an imaginary, oversized button repeatedly in the downwards direction. I might also have managed a pained expression on my face, not that I had to try. “Oh…! Sorry, sorry…” He said, apparently realising that I wasn’t there to join the party or to spy on them. Now is not the time for the noisy sex conversation, I thought, as he guided me out of the flat by my elbow and locked the door behind me.

As I trudged upstairs, I made conscious efforts to slow my heart rate back down to healthy limits. I secretly congratulated myself as the vibrations reduced to almost an almost sociable volume. “Where did you go?” B said as I climbed back into bed. “Downstairs to educate the neighbours.” I replied. “What?” Bloody hell. “Downstairs to educate the neighbours.” “Sorry, I can’t hear you - I have my ear plugs in.”