Hell-loop

The day started like any other day, in fact if anything, it was a great day. There was absolutely nothing remarkable about it at all. Absolutely not even one little clue that it would end with me laying in a tub half full with lukewarm water passing in and out hoping I wouldn’t drown.

That morning, I had woke up with a new lease on life. I was fired up to start to make changes in a positive direction, anything that would get me out of this year long funk that had come over me since the Ides of March. Beware the Ides of March they say; which brings to mind two things really, who ARE they and how did they know? That’s the day I lost both my jobs. Since then everything has been like sleep walking, no real purpose but going through the motions because it was somehow expected. I had decided that I would start my new purpose filled “journey” (one too many spiritual/self-love meme I am certain) by trying to resolve anything I had previously neglected for reasons of too much binging on NetFlix and Facebook. I had finally had enough of my own gaslighting and decided to do something about it.

I grabbed my cup of coffee and trudged into my messy office. If genius is measured by the level of messy organization that exists on one’s desk, I was Einstein. And so, I started there. Going through all the debris and unopened mail I had become accustomed to ignoring the past year. I even found a little black notebook I had bought around Christmas, still virgin in it’s cellophane wrapper, just glaring at me as if to ask if it would end up like all the other little black note books of years past. Empty. Not this time.

I unwrapped the book, I was going to write in it. And I was going to do my least favourite thing in it, make a list of things to do. I started by writing down easy tasks that I had been artfully avoiding, for a year, I boldly wrote the first item on the crisp blank page.

1. Change all the old addresses on your accounts and mail.

Getting that first one down really took the edge off. The to do list grew to 10 items very quickly. I was feeling pretty cocky about my newfound skill at making a to do list and so I decided to write in a few of the feel good meme quotes I had seen earlier that morning cruising through my Facebook feed.

All morning I worked diligently on my list, all these things I had put off, for reasons I can’t even begin to justify, took no time at all to complete. I was feeling like a real winner, that feeling of crossing items off a list was pretty great! So, I decided to write another list for the next day. List-writing was contagious, I told myself hopefully. The truth was that I was pretty great at writing lists and even better at finding them a decade later with no progress made. But I was determined that I would do it! I would and could make a list. This girl is on fire.

I had such a craving for macaroni and cheese. It would probably have passed, but, I had also been neglecting this craving for a week, so I was determined I would make myself Some cheesy Mac’N’Cheese directly that evening, it had, after all, been a year since I had indulged myself in the pleasures of pasta. To an average Joe, I am certain this would not be a life changing decision, but, this is my life and I am not an average Joe, no matter how much I would want to be.

My life, as a Celiac, was full of hell-loops. That’s what I call weird things that happen over and over if you make a bad decision. Sometimes they would happen without me even being aware I made any decision whatsoever. Gluten was my sworn enemy, and it was everywhere you looked, as well as those places you never even thought to look; keeping myself gluten free had turned out to be much harder than I had anticipated. I remember when I first was diagnosed, the first time I went shopping took me an hour and a half, not even mentioning my epic mental breakdown in the cracker aisle when I discovered that Triscuits were, indeed, made with wheat. This shopping trip had a lot less tears and went super awesome as I was in a supercharged mood that only the jet-fuel of self-accomplishment could bring about, well, that or a new haircut, but it was the first one in this case.

But something just struck me that I had gravely miscalculated.

My Mac’N’Cheese was so good. I wanted to pile my bowl up like I was feeding a family of four, but I didn’t, self control for the epic win! I finally sank down to relax in bed and Netflix, I felt so positive and accomplished for a change. I went onto Facebook, the first thing I see is a post of a mouth eating pizza, the caption reading, help me, I’ve been glutened.

That is the very second I knew.

I messed up. I fell for the amateur hell-loop of a celiac. For some reason, only the wise merchandisers at large retailers can understand, they always stock organic wheat pasta directly beside the gluten free junk. So, the boxes look identical, one with my pleasure, one with my poison. I raced out to the kitchen pulled open the cupboard and there is was, plain as the nose on my face.

Organic

Wheat

Pasta.

So many thoughts were running through my head, I was pacing up and down my hall, mumbling ‘oh my god’ over and over and over. Pulling my hair out. I have made a big mistake. I have made a big mistake.

The last time I was glutened, it devastated my health for a year, I blew up like a beluga whale. It was not good. And that was from some lazy shit using the same water to boil my pasta that they had boiled wheat pasta in before mine. I could only imagine what dire consequences awaited my latest episode of calamity. Finally, I decided to head into the bathroom. My stomach was starting a small revolution in there with a lot of noise and movement, so I thought that getting all that pasta out of me was the best course of action, and I went for it. But nothing!

This was first class panic, this was quite possibly my biggest fear, unrolling before my eyes.

I had no idea what to do, how to do it, who I should call. Why is there never an adult around when I do stupid shit? And then finally, sweet relief, I was thanking God as I lay over the toilet, my arms wrapped around the tank like a lifeline. Praying for a pass. Please give me a pass. Pleasssseeeee! The pain was starting in my tummy. Pain and sweat. So much sweat. Buckets of sweat. So I poured a bath, the only thing my adult self knew to do… in case of emergency… pour a bath as hot as you can manage for as long as the water will run hot. Submerge.

Submergence…

Three hours later, I exited the tub, I don’t think I was conscious of much of this, but what I do remember was mostly me filling the tub with more hot water before succumbing to the sweet painless bliss of black-out ville.

Shocking development, I felt great.

WTF!

I seriously felt great.

I climbed back into bed, forgetting all about Netflix and notebooks, and slept until I woke.

The next morning started very strangely. My phone was ringing its alarm clock noise, so I got up. Remembered the night before and started to do a damage check, but it was coming up all clear.

Preposterousness.

Well, nothing to report here. I went to my notebook, I was determined to continue along with my previous day's progress, I would not let something like an accidental glutening stop me, I was just getting started.

I opened the book to the page I had triumphantly begun the day before and there glaring on the page was one of the meme-spired doodles I had written in there to be cheeky.

Face your biggest fear.

Be debt-free ($20G)

Live, laugh, love

Dance like no one's watching

I started to pick up a pen to do some item crossing off my list when my phone rang.

Long story short, I had won $20, 000 in some drawing I had entered because my friend was having trouble selling tickets. So, I hung up the phone, and just like that I picked up my pen and crossed off the next four items off my list.

I got up and started dancing like solid gold was recording in my office, then I sat down again, I opened my little black notebook and I picked up my pen.

And I made a new list.