Heights

I do but without the I. it’s been a ride from what I know. And what I know is that I’m scared of roller coasters. Sort of ironic if you ask me. For some reason, a reason deep down I cannot do the heights neither can I do the heart-sick motions with the twists and turns.The last ride I did with my parents, and I don’t remember two-thirds of it. The one before. I screamed to let myself off but was told to face my fears. Did I? No. I had to be taken to the bathroom right after, metaphorically. The rest of the rides were subtle and yet enjoyable but not that one ride. I couldn’t wrap my head around the ride that was built in a mall. Edmonton mall to be exact, this was back in the two-thousands. It could be different now but… it was scary. Just like the slide that went straight down. They called it the red slide and I remember. I remember I made a new friend, a friend I don’t remember his name to this day. He was so spontaneous, but he was a true friend. He waited at the bottom bribing me with a hotdog. I fell for it, I said forget the hotdog, let's go on that red slide again. That was right after the red slide wasn’t a big deal anymore. I ended up loving that ride right after.

I faced my fears that day, and that same day those fears came back. Fifteen years later I am proud to say I climbed a height foot roof to do a job that would guarantee a lovely day. That lovely day I saw, but it went to a spot I regret. How this balances out I am not too sure. Now I sit at the highest of heights wishing I did better…

Better for her and better for me… I play these words like a sad violin tune in which I cry too. I play the slow, sweet, mellow tune. Mimicking the same birds, I heard when I was in my teens. But I can not, they play that tune more beautifully. I was in my teens when I ran before school. I ran that backyard of a field six times, five am in the morning. Then it was shower and getting ready for my studies. That’ll be a story for another time but for now, this is about heights.

This anxiety got the best of me. Depression did too… did we forget about his friend called loneliness. I think not. I ran by myself, and I sat on the bus alone. I did my studies ad ate alone. Sneaking food into the library as I did in class. It's hard making pasta in class when you have a pot and pan, using an outlet for your burner. Nevertheless, I did it by myself, and to this day I had tremendous help that can not go unnoticed. Sponsors, women that stayed by my side, old friends that unfortunately are not here to this day. I do know they will always be, and I will always be here with them.

Suppose it's another dear diary… so dear diary. I can not do these heights as it is, I can not. I love my time here on the land of earth. Let’s stir up, flat… or round. Who knows winky face. I know what I believe in and what I believe is… I’m done. Done with serving the heights I can not bare. Why should you? So let me ask… what’s the limit of your fear of heights