HEARTBREAK, COVID AND A LITTLE BLACK BOOK

Before I get into the whole heartbreak during covid-19 situation I would like to give a little background into who I am and what I was really hoping for. I work as a bartender at a pretty awesome restaurant here in Canada. I enjoy what I do, love the energy of working with awesome people and engaging with different souls. But like with most routines it became repetitive. Work, gym, eat and sleep. I was sitting in the sauna early January and realized a brand new year has started. I need to book a trip and hop on a plane somewhere, anywhere! I just wanted to feel something different. I will remember when I stepped out of the sauna I noticed a little black book sitting on the floor in the locker room, I picked it up and put it in my gym bag. I did not open it but it looked somewhat of value and I was sure whoever lost it would want it back so I made sure to give it to front desk so they can toss it in the lost and found bin. So here comes our good friend by the name of Social Media, I'm sure you've all heard of her. I have had this guy on my instagram for a few months (not sure how long exactly) but he would randomly 'like' some of my photos and I would return the favour. Nothing serious. I decided to private message him and asked if I came to California (which is where he lives) would he like to spend time with me? He replied "yes of course I would love to spend time with you". His reply was so positive and genuine I couldn't help but feel happy. The area where I live it gets pretty cold during the winter months so the thought of feeling warm air on my skin in a city that I love gave me a blissful feeling. Now back to the guy. Immediately after that exchange we were talking and texting daily. The cute morning texts, the 3 hour conversations on the phone, learning each other, enjoying each other and both getting more and more eager to actually meet each other! Now I can't explain why I 'zero-d' in on this human. I just simply wanted to be happy. With him. I'm sure most of us can identify with those feelings of being excited about someone, being intrigued by someone, being physically attracted to someone, and getting to know someone on a deeper level. All those things came into play with this guy. We talked about anything and everything but one thing that always stuck out in my mind was his willingness to fight every millennial statistic and actually make this work. I'm not going to lie there were a few small disagreements along the way but it was always followed with an apology. I made the mistake of getting attached. Its 2020 I should be well aware of the rules by now but when those emotions take over that brain of yours its a wrap.

The day finally came and I was meeting him for the first time at the airport. I so excited and a little nervous I texted him as soon s the plane stopped, he was already there waiting for me. I grabbed my suitcase off the baggage carousel, turned around and there he was. The man I was talking to and texting with about hopes, dreams, goals and the future was standing in front of me. We embraced each other of course and went to enjoy our time together. We killed LA! I mean who doesn't love Los Angeles. We laughed, drank, had wild sex, drove up to San Diego, snowboarded and even went to a Lakers game. I was foolishly blinded by the beauty of fantasy. I thought this was not going to end, the can not end. The feelings are too strong to allow an ending. Everything felt so right.

On the last day we were both wrapped with emotions of sadness. Was it because deep down inside we both knew it was the last time we would ever see each other? When he dropped me off at the airport, tears were running down my face, and his. It was time for our souls to part physically.

Once I arrived back in Canada, him and I continued to communicate but it felt different. Almost like it was strained and unwarranted. I was ready to give everything I have to get back on a plane and feel all those good things again. Enjoy him again, but that is not what happened. Miscommunication though text messages, misinterpreting bullshit you see on social media and just the overall same old song and dance. Millennial statistic. I truly wanted to adore, cherish, and love this human but I guess that was not being expressed properly. I wish he could of seen that but I guess the hard pill to swallow is if he was the right one, he would of seen that. Of course I wanted to salvage the situation but it turned into text messages left on 'read' and phone calls not being returned.

Sometimes you wonder "how the hell did we end up here?" What happened with all those promises and tears? Was I that naive? Did I end up in the all too familiar cycle of strangers turned into friends, friends turned into lovers, and lovers turned back into strangers. I wanted to believe that I would end up in a crazy, beautiful love story.

The day after I landed I was at the gym and I was over hearing a couple girls talk in the locker room. The one girl said "I can't believe someone actually returned my little black book, I was going to loose my mind! I thought I had lost it" her friend replied "why was it so important, you can get one of those at the dollar store" in a dry half joking half serious kind of way.

"Don't tell anyone but my dad won $20,000 last week on a scratch ticket, he is giving some to my brother and I and I can't shake the feeling of taking a trip and feeling something different."

"Oh my goodness that is amazing but why were you so worried about the little black book?"

"My ex boyfriends number is on the last page, I deleted him off my phone but kept his number there just because, I'm going to call him and ask if he wants to get wild in L.A!" the girl practically yelled.

"Why California?"

"Because that is where he lives" the girl answered.

After I had eavesdropped on the two girls in the locker room and went home within 24 hours the government issued law required social distancing guidelines to fight the spread of Covid-19. The doors to my work were closed, the doors to my gym were closed and the doors of any type of future with the man I fell hard for were closed. Like most I would drown into work and relief my mind of disappointment at the gym but there was no escape. I had to watch society turn upside down while my heart felt like it was getting ripped out of my chest.

Till this day I will never know his thoughts on the situation but silence can tell you everything you need to hear. Despite all of this I will never stop believing in the magic of love.

Even during a pandemic.