He's still on this?

I tried to contain the white-hot fury I was feeling so I could try and get through to James before for Ben's sake, but this time he pushed it too far. I don't care if he was drunk or under any other influence, he has no right to speak to Ben and I like that, nor the right to make himself the victim because I'm moving on with my life and not waiting on him to make up his mind. I knew what I wanted, and at one point, so did he. However, he wasn't willing to take me seriously, and that was his loss. I would not be guilt tripped, especially by someone who keeps trying to play the victim.

I led him to one of the empty rooms and slammed the door. "What the f*ck was that James? Who gave you the f*cking right? What makes you think that you can say stuff like that?"

"You're the one who always says to live your truth, to speak out the truth whenever you feel is the right time. What, all of a sudden because I did it it's bad?"

"Yeah, speak your truth James, that doesn't mean scream it out for everyone to hear. That doesn't mean saying it in a way where you're trying to break up a relationship. That doesn't mean that you do it in a tone of voice that is hostile, because if you are to live your truth you do it for yourself, not because you are intent on hurting others. You have not only embarrassed me, but you've embarrassed Ben, the Dodgers and yourself. Don't you think that there'll be repercussions for your actions, on all of us? You can’t just cause a scene like that."

He rolls his eyes and brings his drink up to his lips.

My blood boiled, he wasn't even taking me seriously right now either. I took a step forward and swatted it out of his hand, the contents spilling on the floor.

"What the f*ck Kim?"

"I know why you're doing this. This isn't even about 'living your truth at all. This is about the fact that you are mad. You're mad at me, who knows why, because you really have no right to be. You made your choice. You knew what I wanted with you but obviously you didn't want the same thing. I don't care if someone influenced you into choosing her over me, I really don't. You're not 5 years old anymore James, you have the right to choose what you want. You're 25 f*cking years old James, you can choose to do whatever the f*ck you want and other people simply have to deal with it. You are not forced to do anything you don't want to. Unless you're handcuffed and physically forced to. If that's not the case, then you were not forced to do it."

"What was I supposed to do? Tell her to piss off after a month? She's a person too Kim."

"So am I James! I was the one who told you I love you first, you knew how I felt about you. I told you what I wanted with you straight up in April when you told me you broke it off with Sabrina. You told me you'd think about it instead of telling me that you weren't interested in the first place. You led me on and told me that you were also interested, but that it was too soon for you. Then I don't hear from you about the subject for a long time then I see you with Chase. Instead of playing with me and my feelings, I would rather have had you tell me you weren't interested period."

"I was interested Kim, I love you!" He says, his eyes widening at what he said.

I stared at him in anger and disgust, biting my tongue from saying something I might regret.

"I always have, but I never felt good enough for you. When I first kissed you, I didn't know why I did it, but soon after I realized it was because that's what I feel for you. Around you, I feel secure, loved, accepted, and like I can be myself. I don't need to hide anything in front of you, but I felt like you deserved better than that, someone who didn't depend on you so much. It was a mistake, and I was just living in the moment, not realizing that you were good for me, better than anyone else that I've ever been with. I need you Kim."

If he would have said that before I got together with Ben, I probably would have hugged him, reassured him, maybe even kissed him. I would have been ecstatic about the fact that he was professing his love to me and that I would finally have what I always wanted, but not now. Ben was a great guy, and I was happy with him. I could never do that to him, I'd never forgive myself, and I'd be so furious with myself. I gave myself my place, I made myself a priority and I attracted someone who didn't play games with me, who was straight up with me about his feelings, everything James never did. I was not going to let myself be guilt tripped into anything anymore.

"Look James, maybe if things were different, I would have been all over you right now, but I'm not. I'm not going to do that to Ben, especially after how good he's been to me. I'm happy with him, and that isn't going to change in the next minute, second, or hour. You need to move on and not wait for me anymore, it's only going to hurt you in the end."

"You of all people should know it's not that simple."

"I dare you to try and tell me why."

He glared at me, trying to come up with something to say, obviously not being able to.

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. The thick air made me want to say something, almost wanting to make me apologize. James is still my friend, one of my best friends on the Dodgers. He's also still human, with feelings and experiences that I know I should be taking into account, but I knew that I had the right time be angry with him right now. "I suggest that you stop waiting, it'll only make you suffer more, and I don't want that for you. You don't deserve that."

I was about to reach for the doorknob, ready to leave the party, but James's next whisper made me stop.

"You said you would wait for me. I waited for you but you didn't."

I held back a scoff. "I didn't ask you to wait for me, you never had to wait for me. I was always the one waiting on you. You knew I was committed, I told you straight up what I wanted, you always knew. The only thing you had to wait for was when I turned 18, but you always lacked commitment and the ability to take me seriously. Even if you did have to wait for me for so long, I watched you be happy with other people, and one of them at my expense. So maybe it's about time that you feel what I felt, because I also told you straight up, I wasn't going to wait forever."

I looked up into James's eyes. They were watering, pleading, begging for me to take back everything I just said. His words from this morning still ringing in my ears. "I told you that I'd wait for you, and so here I am. What do you say, give me a shot Kim."

Had I gone anywhere but Toronto I might have, but that didn't happen. Things didn't go the way James wanted them to, I'm not at his beck and call anymore. I told him I wasn't going to wait forever, and he didn't take me seriously with anything, so he lost his chance.

I looked away and sighed, "If you want to wait, go ahead, but I can't guarantee that the timing would be right for us. The same thing goes for me, you aren't going to wait forever, but just know that no matter how much you mean to me, I'm going to start putting myself and my happiness first. And right now, he is my happiness. I love you James, see you around."

Without looking at him, I open the door and head back to the party.

-------------------------------------------

I tried to shake off the whole experience I just had, but it wasn't easy. I didn't feel bad about what I said, it needed to be said because I was sick and tired of James playing the victim and making me feel like the bad guy.

"You've done enough for him" Erick had said. "You don't owe him anything, the only person you owe love, empathy, sympathy, and kindness to is yourself. You've deprived yourself of that for too long, ya basta."

I tried to make myself believe it, because Erick never lied to me, so I don't think he'd start now and with something this important. There was still something that I felt like I owed James, the same thing I tell all the guys: to give people that you get along really well with a chance. I felt like I should have given him a chance, but by the time he wasn't with Chase anymore, I was already with Ben, and he didn't deserve that.

I took a deep breath and surveyed the room for Victor and Ben. I had left them at the bar, but they were nowhere near that anymore. I scanned around again, but to no avail. I took out my phone and sent Ben a text, then a few seconds later, I felt his arms around my shoulders.

"There you are." He says, planting a kiss on my cheek and resting his chin on my shoulder.

I smile, "There YOU are. I lost you for a sec. Where's Victor?"

He glanced around the room, not taking his chin off my shoulder. "I have no idea, I think he wandered off with Nydia somewhere. They said the DJ was going to start playing some music, so I don't think they left, you know how much they love to dance."

I grin, turning to face him. "Yeah, I'm glad they're going to put music on, I could use it right about now."

He purses his lips, "Is it James?"

I shrug my shoulders, wrapping my arms around his torso. "It's whatever now."

"Are you sure?"

"Pues, it will be if you dance with me."

He chuckles, "I should have known."

I smile, "Please? I promise it'll be fun, and you don't have to do it just to make me feel better, if you don't want to it's okay."

He shakes his head, tucking some hair behind my ear. "No, I want to. Just you wait, I've been practicing and I will blow you away."

I laugh and take his hands in mine.

"You laugh now but I'm serious, I know you love to dance so I've been watching you, Yuni, and Victor very closely so I can keep up." He says, interlocking our fingers. "You won't even believe it's me."

I giggle, "You're so sweet, but don't forget, I kill on the dance floor."

He laughs, "We'll see, with my new moves, you'll be helpless."

I roll my eyes playfully and laugh, "Ay niño, estas loco."

He grins, leaning down to peck my cheek.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see James staring at us with sad eyes. I quickly look away and take a deep breath. "What are you doing after this? Did you have anything planned with your parents?"

"Yeah I was thinking about going out to dinner, maybe some sightseeing or downtime after. You're welcome to join us."

"Do you have a certain time in mind?"

"Around 6."

I grimace, "Man I wish I could, but I told Mariana and Erick that I'd babysit Penelope."

Ben pouts, "Aw man."

"Yeah, I'm sorry, I had told them a while ago that I'd babysit her whenever we were in the same place long enough."

"Yeah, it's okay, I get it. You've really been wanting to see her for a while, and you deserve a break from the hectic life you lead everyday."

I roll my eyes playfully, "It's not that hectic. I make it hectic by doin to much paper work, but that's it. I get stuff done, I have free time, I have rapport with everyone, I love my job."

He smiles, "Yeah, I love your job too."

I laugh, "I would hope so, you have to deal with me all day. Who knew that a career in organizational management analysis would have me in the clubhouse more than the office?"

Ben tucks his hair behind his ear, "I mean I hope that dealing with us isn't that bad."

"Well..."

He smacks his lips.

I laugh again, "Ay, I'm kidding. You know I love you guys. Victor and Yuni together can be a bit much at times, but it's a good much. You guys are like my family now, and I am so grateful to be working with you guys."

"We are too, some a little more than others." He looks at me sheepishly.

I felt my cheeks grow hot, so naturally, I cracked a joke. "Like Rich and Jess."

He rolls his eyes playfully, "Like Rich and Jess."

I grin and look of to the side. I've known Ben long enough to consider him one of my best friends, and we've been dating for 2 months, but I still can't get used to having someone like this. I know that Ben is very patient, especially after I told him about the James experience. I am very gracious for his patience, but at times I feel that he grows tired of it, he just has great at masking and hiding it. It wasn't anything for how I feel about James, not anymore anyway. It always seemed to revert back to how I would feel before, especially when it came to how I thought Ben and I looked in public.

There were times where I felt ashamed and embarrassed for him because he was seen with someone who looked like me instead of someone who was smaller, taller, and prettier. Ben has told me in the past that he loves me for all of me, but there are always times where I don't want to believe him. It's like my brain refuses to, which ends up with me feeling like I don't deserve him. I abhor this feeling of doubt, but I know that I have to accept the fact that he loves me for something that's not as superficial as what I look like. If I don't it's going to come to a point where I am choosing not accepting myself and being so unhappy with myself over being involved in something with someone that makes me really happy.

I look back at Ben, and he turns to me. He was seeing right through me, knowing that I want to say something to save the moment and make it what I thought I should be. I knew what I wanted to say, "And hopefully you too." 4 words that I wanted to say to him so that he could get the memo: I'm grateful for you and I love you. That's all I had to say, but it wouldn't come out of my mouth, and I hoped that he could just see it and read it from my mind. Words of affirmation was not a love language of mine, I couldn't say it, but hopefully Ben would be able to feel it.

"Alright y'all now we got it all set up, it's Hispanic Heritage Month so we have to start with one of these. I'm DJ Rico and this goes out to all my Cubanos."

A cheer rolled through the room and some salsa blasted through the speakers, which made feet shuffle as they made their way to the dance floor.

I look at all the people going to start dancing, and it made me smile. Almost as if the music had reeled them in like a fish, Victor and Nydia came back inside.

"Eyy hasta que pusieron halgo bueno." Victor says.

I laugh, "Ya sabia que ibas a regresar encuanto pusieran la musica."

"Po' claro mija, es lo mejor de estas cosas." Nydia says.

I roll my eyes playfully as he and Nydia go out onto the dance floor.

The music was starting to get to me, making me want to dance.

Ben caught on, knowing me very well. He twirls me with the hand that still held mine and started walking towards the dance floor. "Come on, let's go."

I smile and follow his lead, letting the music lead us into another moment I'd always been wanting.