He Cares

I heard the car hit my side; an intense sound of nails on a chalkboard rang in my ears. The deafening screech of metal on metal as the cars made contact and scraped against each other made my heart accelerate. The car began to spin; I turn the wheel in the same direction hoping that everything I’ve been told about car accident emergencies would come to mind, and that my freeze response would not take over. The car stopped spinning after a couple of seconds, smacking into something else, allowing us to stop and the airbags to puff up. I see Mai’s head snap back and hit the headrest, her eyes closing and not opening anymore. I froze now, my hands still gripping the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. I wanted to call out to Mai to see if she was okay, but my throat was dry, I opened my mouth and nothing would come out. I tried looking outside but the lights coming from the cars made my head hurt. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my heart, the pounding in my head not making it any easier. After a few seconds, I pressed the call button on the steering wheel and told the assistant to call 911.

“911 what’s your emergency?”

“My friend and I were just in a car accident and she’s unconscious. She hit her head pretty hard.” I manage to croak out.

“Can you give me your location?”

“Um next to the Specialty Grocery Store on Verdugo Rd.”

“Okay, an ambulance should be there in about 5 minutes.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

I hear her clicking away on her keyboard and I open my eyes again but I still can’t look outside. The car lights still made my head hurt a little, so I kept my gaze down. I didn’t know if I was supposed to hang up now or not. I know at the call center I worked at you weren’t supposed to hang up on the customer, and since this was a 911 operator call, I assume they don’t either.

“Is your friend still unconscious?”

I look over at Mai and see her eyes still shut. I call out to her a couple of times and she still doesn’t reply.

“She’s still not responsive.” I say, panic starting to rise in me.

A few moments later, I hear the ambulance close by.

“The ambulance is here, thank you so much for your help.” I say to the operator.

“Okay, I hope all turns out well.”

“Thank you.” I say again before I hang up the phone. The sirens got closer and the lights outside got brighter. I close my eyes again as my head started throbbing. Soon I hear tires squeak to a halt beside the car and the sirens shut off. Paramedics came to the car and we were rushed to the hospital.

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Everything happened in a blur. We got to USC Verdugo Hills Hospital a few minutes after the ambulance arrived. I was conscious when we left the scene, but Mai still wasn’t. I was so scared that something really bad happened to her. I don’t even want to think about it, let alone say it, and every second that I wasn’t answering paramedic’s or police officer’s questions I was praying that she was okay. I was the one driving; I should have been more careful and seen the car running that red light. I could have prevented this whole thing; I could have made sure we got home from the store safely. It may not completely be my fault, but I could have done more, there’s always more that could have been done in every situation. At least I’m lucky enough to be alive. Other people, like Araceli, weren’t so lucky, and if anything happened to Mai, I would never be able to forgive myself.

After I was checked by the doctors in the hospital, I asked them about Mai.

“She’s still not responsive and she does have a minor concussion that we’re waiting for her to get up from.”

After seeing the look on my face, she puts her hand on my shoulder. “You were t-boned by a car that ran a red light. It wasn’t your fault, the cops say that you did everything in your power to make sure the both of you are okay, and you both are. The car was totaled, and neither of you have any broken bones, any internal bleeding, even people with seatbelts on sometimes don’t make it.”

I hold back a sob, thinking about Araceli.

“There was absolutely no possible way that both of you should have come out with minor injuries, based on how the car ended up, you guys should be in the ICU.” I see her glance at my wrist. “Looks like someone was looking out for you.”

She walks out of my room and left me speechless. I fiddled around with the cross on my wrist, trying to convince myself that what the doctor said was right. Mai could be a lot worse, and I could be a lot worse. The doctor said that having just a bit of shock, high blood pressure, and a possible minor concussion was not at all possible given the condition of the car and how fast the other car was going. I did everything in my power while we were in the car to minimize the damage, and it looks like I minimized some of the damage. I couldn’t say the same for Mai’s car, but at least we were both alive. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to stop the tears from spilling onto my cheeks.

A few seconds later there was a knock on the door. It opened and there were a lot of footsteps that followed. I open my eyes and see a lot of bodies come in; my boys and Maria were here to see me.

“Kim!” Jon exclaims, coming over and engulfing me in a hug.

I wrap my arms around him, fighting tears that were trying to come in.

“Oh my God Kim I’m so glad you’re okay.” He says to me.

All I can do is nod, still not able to speak.

“I thought we lost you for a second, I’m so f*cking happy you’re okay. I love you, kid.”

I just hug him tighter, still not being able to say anything.

He lets go of me and I see the panic in his eyes subside, his eyes a bit red and color returning to his cheeks.

I look to his right and see the rest of them not looking any better. Erick’s relieved face was a bit red, a notable sign of him crying, Maria’s tear-streaked cheeks and messed up mascara made her look like she hadn’t slept in days, then there was James. His eyes were completely bloodshot, his nose red and he sniffled every couple of seconds. He was pale, almost green and taking shaky breaths. It broke my heart to see him like this, he looks so shaken up it was almost hard to believe that this was my James that I’ve known for years, he doesn’t look like himself.

Maria comes to me next, wrapping her arms around me and buries her head into my shoulder. “Ay mija, si supieras el susto que me diste.” She manages out between sobs.

I hug her back, closing my eyes and letting some tears flow out.

I hear someone else approach and put their hand on my shoulder. I open my eyes and see Erick standing behind Maria.

“Ya hable con tus padres, ya les dije que estas bien y que no hay nada de qué preocuparse.” He says to me.

I nod and wrap one of my arms around him too. “Gracias a los dos por venir y por preocuparse tanto de mi.”

Erick hugs me back tightly, wrapping his other arm around Maria.

Maria leans back and wipes under her eyes. “Pues como no, tu eres como una hija para nosotros junto con la bebe, por supuesto que nos vamos a preocupar de ti.”

I grin at her, wiping the tears off my cheeks. Erick also leans back and plants a kiss on the top of my head.

I take a deep breath and look at the only person that’s left. I look at James and immediately he comes over and wraps me in a tight hug. I don’t waste time in reciprocating, burying my face in his shoulder. I hear him clear his throat and make an attempt to speak, but the only thing that came out was a couple of sobs. I rub his back slowly, trying to get him to calm down, but all he does is hug me tighter and bury his face in my neck. I feel his tears fall onto my skin, his small shallow breaths tickling my neck, but I still held him, tightening my hold on him. I had to admit, seeing this heart-wrenching reaction out of James gave me a sense of security. He may be crying because he thought Mai and I were in worse condition, but at least he really cares. He seemed in bad shape and being this close to the playoffs, he wouldn’t let it bother him as much if it didn’t matter. Now I see, Mai matters, and I matter enough for him to be worried, so much so that he let it affect him at a critical part in his season.

“Ya mi amor, I’m okay. It’s okay, todo está bien mi amor.” I whisper to him careful to make sure he was the only one that heard.

He shakes his head and sniffles, taking a deep breath. “I love you.”

My heart starts racing and butterflies form in my stomach. He’s said those words to me in that order so many times throughout this season, and every day for the past month, but right now it meant so much more. We both made it clear at the beginning of the season that we felt the same way about each other, but when things didn’t pan out the way I wished they would have, I can’t lie I thought that the idea of James and I was gone for good. It’s strange how all of this panned out, here I am with someone who loves me and who I love, still not in the way that I thought we should have ended up, but we say I love you like we were together. It sounds bad to say that I was relieved for James’s response, especially given the circumstances, but hearing it now when I could have lost my life, it’s a blessing that I can’t ignore.

“I love you too.” I say, not caring if Jon, Maria, or Erick heard me.

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James sat by me, leaning his head on my shoulder and playing with my hand as I told them all what happened. It took everything in me not to release some tears while I spoke as everything spun in my mind. I remember everything clearly, from Mai’s scream about the car running the red light to thinking that we were both going to die. I have no idea how many times the car spun, but we still didn’t flip over. Whether or not that was because I turned the wheel in the right direction, the car still should have flipped over; at least that’s what I overheard the cops say. I still didn’t believe that we were both okay, not until I saw Mai with her eyes open and breathing. I went through the same thought process when Araceli passed away; I am not going to believe anything that I’m told until I see it with my own eyes. I know I’m safe, but if anything happened to Mai, it was my fault, and I would never forgive myself.

“Kim, I know that look on your face. You’re blaming yourself, but it’s not your fault.”

I don’t look at Erick because I know that if I do I’m going to explode, either in tears or in screams, and I didn’t feel like having any of that this late at night.

“Kim, I spoke to the cops, they looked at the stoplight camera footage and they saw everything, it wasn’t your fault.” Erick says softly. “Everything’s okay.”

I look at him, “Have the doctor’s told you anything about Mai?”

He grimaces and shakes his head, turning away from my gaze.

“Then everything’s not okay.” It comes out almost as a whisper. The last time that someone gave me an update on Mai was about an hour and a half ago. I’ve been verbally discharged, waiting for the doctor to bring me my paperwork, but I refuse to leave if it’s not with Mai. I take a deep breath and say a silent prayer, that I’d get some good news about her soon.

Almost as if he knew what was going on in my head, Jon comes over and sits on my other side.

“Mai’s tough, she’s going to be fine.” He says, draping his arm across my shoulders and pulling me into a tight hug.

I feel a few tears spill onto my cheeks. Yes Mai’s tough, of course I know that. She’s had to deal with these stupids longer than I have, but she’s not invincible, no one on this earth is. Bad things can still happen to her, and in this case, it’s going to be my entire fault. I should have seen the car coming, I should have been able to stop, I should have made sure that none of this happened.

When the cops spoke to me, they asked what I wanted to do about the guy who hit us. They have him in custody and were questioning him, waiting on my response. I couldn’t even look at them, but I said that I really didn’t care; I just wanted to see Mai.

I heard footsteps approach us and see the doctor with a clipboard in her hand.

“I have your papers here to have you discharged.” She holds them out to me.

I take the clipboard and put it on Jon’s lap, “How is Mai?”

The doctor takes a deep breath. “Once you fill out those papers I can take you to her.”

I sit up straighter, “She’s awake?”

The doctor nods.

I quickly take my hand back from James and fill out the papers on the clipboard. I hand them back to the doctor and she leads us out of the room to the hospital hallways. Every step we took made my heart burst. Mai was awake, Mai was okay, Mai was alive. I repeated that mantra over and over in my head and immediately I felt so much better. I may have crashed the car, I may be at fault for Mai being in the hospital, but at least she was alive and okay.

After going through the endless maze of the hospital for what seemed like an eternity, we finally got to Mai’s room. She was talking to another doctor, her blonde hair a tangled mess, a couple of scrapes and bruises on her arms, but her eyes were open and she was breathing. She nods at something the doctor says and then looks in our direction.

Immediately, her name escapes my mouth and I rush towards her. I engulf her in a hug and she reciprocates.

“I’m so happy you’re okay.” I say, not even bothering to fight back the tears or sobs.

“I’m happy you’re okay too Kim.” She says, her voice wavering a bit.

I hear the rest of the group come in and approach the bed. I let go of Mai so everyone else will have a chance to say hi. I stand off to the foot of Mai’s bed, trying to catch my breath. I was seeing her in front of me, she was alive and well, but I still felt a guilt rise up in me. She’s in worse shape and I am, and all because I got us in an accident. I couldn’t look at Mai anymore, not after I realize what I did to her. The doctor that came in with us was now talking to Mai’s doctor and I overheard snippets of their conversation.

“…possible memory loss…impossible comeback…only minor…should have died…”

A cold hand grips at my heart. Mai could have died. The doctor said that by the looks of the car, we shouldn’t have had only minor injuries. Mai had a concussion, but it was only mild, my head hurt for a little bit, but I had no signs of a concussion. In fact, I didn’t have a scratch on me. I didn’t have the bruises or scratches that Mai had, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me, even my hoops were still dangling from my ear lobes. I was still conscious when the paramedics arrived, Mai didn’t wake up until almost 4 hours after we crashed. Realizing all this just made me feel worse. I was lucky, Mai wasn’t as lucky, and although we’re both still alive, I still feel guilty.

“Hey, I know that face.” James whispers to me, bringing me out of my thoughts. “You’re blaming yourself.”

I found the courage to whisper back. “I should be, all of this is my fault.”

“Kim, you were following the light, it was green, the other car is the one who ran the red light.”

“But I should have seen the car coming James. I’m always careful to do that, but I didn’t this time.”

“You did everything you could to minimize the damage, you saved yourself and you saved Mai.”

I shake my head, “But we’re both still in here, Mai was unconscious, she has a concussion, she was in a coma, and I could have prevented all of that if I was more careful.”

James reaches for my hand but I pull it away. “Baby, the cops said that you two should have died in that wreck,” he chokes up a little. “And if it wasn’t for you maneuvering the car and acting fast, that probably would have happened. Because of you, you both are alive.”

I fold my arms across my chest, not wanting to argue with James because I knew I wouldn’t get anywhere. As much as I wanted to believe him, I couldn’t, not while Mai was in a hospital bed and I wasn’t. If I could take her place I would in a heartbeat. I dragged her into all of this by being her roommate and by begging her to go grocery shopping with me because I didn’t want to go alone. If I could take all of that back I would, but I can’t, it’s too late.

A few tears stream down my face but I wipe them away quickly so no one would see.

“Do you remember what happened?” Mai’s doctor asked her.

“It’s all a little fuzzy. We were in the car, I heard a loud bang then another one then I knocked out and woke up here.” She says then she looks at me. “We were in an accident weren’t we?”

I look off to the side and nod, tears blurring my vision.

“Kim thinks it’s her fault.” Erick’s big mouth decides to say.

I glare at him although I know he’s right and it was my fault.

“Kim, everything may be a bit fuzzy, but I remember enough that the light was green and the other car ran a red light. It’s not your fault.” Mai says.

I just look the other way, not saying anything. There is always more that could be done, no matter the situation. I could have called Araceli more often so I wouldn’t have felt so much hurt when she passed, one of us could have called or texted her the night before to tell her to get more rest. If we were up at 2 or 3 in the morning, we could have called her and she would have woken up and not crashed and she would be here. There’s always more that could have been done to prevent a tragedy, and although both of us were alive, this hospital visit, and its bill, could have been prevented.

“Why do you think it’s your fault?” Jon says, coming over to James and I.

I look at him through the blur of my tears, not wanting to say what I was thinking. I wanted to tell them, I really did. It’s so easy for me to tell them all, but I didn’t want to because I knew I’d start crying and I didn’t feel like doing that now.

“No, that’s not what matters now. What we should be concerned about is when Mai can get out of here.” I say, looking at the doctors.

“Well, the CAT scans should be on their way back, and based on that we will be able to release or keep you here.” Mai’s doctor says.

I nod, “Okay, pos we’ll wait.” I go and sit in the chair next to Mai’s bed.

Jon sat on the other side of the bed, James came over and sat next to me, and after a couple of minutes, Erick and Maria said their goodbyes.

“Tú no eres la culpable, nada de esto fue tu culpa, y ojala puedas ver eso para que ya no te sientas así. Me da pena verte con esa cara, nunca te he visto triste como te veo ahora. Y ya sé que esto de pega duro por lo de Araceli, pero nada de eso ni de esto fue tu culpa mija.” Maria says to me as she hugs me goodbye.

I don’t say anything, I just hug her and say bye. She may think that I have no fault in this, but there is always something that someone could have don to prevent or minimize damage.

Erick gives me a tight hug and kissed the top of my head once more. “Te quiero mucho Kim.”

I watch them leave and turn to go back into Mai’s room, but James stops me from going in.

“Move.” I say.

He shakes his head and takes my hand in his, “Come take a walk with me.”

I look off to the side and take a deep breath, “Fine.”

He leads me around the hospital and out onto one of the outdoor patios overlooking the city. The space was empty except for 3 stone tables. James takes me to the one that’s furthest away from the entrance we came through and we sit down.

“You said a walk, not a talk.”

“I know, we walked already, and who says you have to talk?” He says.

I roll my eyes and look down, sticking my hands in my sweater pockets, not knowing if he was being sarcastic or not. We sat there for a little bit, James’s gaze burning into me as I stared at the table space between us. The first time he asked me to take a walk with him was when he wanted to tell me that he was going to wait for me, no matter how long it took, for us to be together. The next was for him to tell me about how he was going to give me time and space after Michael broke up with me, that he wasn’t going to pressure me into anything just because I was fresh out of a heartbreak. Now, here we were, sitting together like we were those other times and I knew that he was about to get something off his chest.

He leans his elbows on the table and laces his fingers together. “Kim, when Erick called me and told me that you and Mai had been in an accident, it killed me. My mind went to the darkest place possible, I thought that we were going to see you and Mai here lifeless on a table. The mere thought of it made me choke up and I couldn’t stop crying, baby I thought I’d lost you. I drove over here as quickly as I could and when we met with your doctor and she said you both were alive, you have no idea how good that felt. I just…” He trails off.

I look up at him and see more tears streaming down his face, the redness in his eyes has subsided and the color came back into his face. His nose was still red and although his breathing has evened out, he still sniffled on every other breath. I wanted to reach over and wipe away his tears, go sit by him and act like his girlfriend would in this situation, but it wasn’t right. Although we’ve called each other “baby”, “mi amor”, and said “I love you” so many times, there was still the fact that I haven’t been given the title that held me back.

“I don’t know how you see the both of you being alive right now as exactly, but based on your words and actions, it’s evident that you don’t see any of this in a positive light. Kim,” he wipes the tears off his cheeks. “You and Mai being alive right now is nothing short of a miracle, it’s a blessing. If there’s anything that I’ve learned from you these past couple of years it’s that you take blessings and miracles and you cherish them. God took care of you, because He knew that if anything happened to you I wouldn’t have been able to take it. If I had to look at you in a hospital bed with tubes coming out of you, with your beautiful warm eyes closed never to open again, I wouldn’t have been able to take it Kim. You’re my best friend, and seeing you like this, your face contorted in guilt, your gaze down at the floor, it hurts me as much as thinking of you in worse condition. I see that none of this is your fault, and I get that you can’t see that right now, but know that none of us think it’s your fault.” He chokes up.

I felt a lump start forming in my throat as I watched him struggle with the words. He always said that he was never good with them, which is where I always came to his aid, and seeing him now made me feel like such a jerk. I’d been so concerned about blaming myself that I didn’t see what kind of emotions everyone else was feeling about this whole situation. I didn’t even give Jon, Maria, Erick, James, even Mai, a second thought when it came to their emotions.

“James, there’s always more that could have been done when it comes to tragedy, and I know that you can’t see it the way that I do, but I could have done so much more to have been able to prevent this. I should have seen the car coming, I should have been more careful and if I had, Mai and I wouldn’t be here. Neither would any of you.”

“You can’t know that for sure, Kim.”

“Yes I can James, because the car that hit us came from the right, I always check both sides even at a semaforo (traffic light), and I didn’t do it that time and if I had we wouldn’t be here. I did this to Mai, she’s in here because of me.” I say looking down.

He doesn’t say anything; he just shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. He stares at me with sad eyes, trying to find the words to say to get me out of this appraisal, but honestly there was no use. I was the driver, I was the one who was controlling the vehicle and the one that could have done more, because there’s always more that can be done.

James finally speaks. “Kim, I can’t even try to understand what you’re feeling. You were just in a f*king car accident, and I know that all of this is running in your head like a broken record, us telling you that it wasn’t your fault, the accident itself and the fact that Mai is in a hospital bed. It hurts me to see you like this, and I know that all of this is probably going to go over your head because you’re that stubborn, but you didn’t do this to Mai, you didn’t do this to yourself. The other driver was drunk, reckless, and unconscious of the other human lives that he put on the line because of his irresponsibility.”

I snap my head back up at him. “What?”

“You didn’t know?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but my brain completely blanked. They didn’t have the guy in custody just because the crashed into us, but because he was driving while intoxicated. That’s why everyone says that we should have ended up so much worse, that’s why we shouldn’t only have minor injuries. If the man was driving drunk, we could have, should have died in that wreck. It’s not completely my fault; I am not the only one who could have done more to prevent all of this. The other driver could have stopped drinking, he could have chosen to not even get in the car in the first place, he could have had someone else drive him home, but he refused. Instead, he put so many people at risk, and Mai and I got that heat.

“It’s not all my fault.” I whisper out.

“Of course it wasn’t your fault Kim, none of this is. You’d never do anything to hurt anyone, let alone Mai who means a lot to you. Because if there’s something that professor at Sul Ross got right is that you’re pure kindness and sunshine. I thought I f*cking lost you Kim, and I love you so much that I would be completely destroyed if I ever did lose you. The Dodgers are lucky to have you on staff, the team is lucky to have you. I am blessed to have someone like you in my life, because you’re my kindness and my sunshine.”

I don’t stop the tears from streaming down my face, I don’t bother with them. Instead I go over to the other side of the table and sit by James, wrapping my arms around his neck. Immediately, he reciprocates, pulling my body against his tightly, like he’s trying to stop me from running away.

I didn’t do this to show that I agreed completely with him, there was still some guilt in me because I’m completely fine and Mai isn’t, but I’m embracing him for him to know that his feelings and thoughts are valid, that I acknowledge how he’s dealing with all this and that he’s been heard. A lot of what he said to me about how it’s not my fault was something that I wished I could believe, but unfortunately I don’t. Although the other person was drunk, I still feel like I could have done so much more, so we were both at fault. If I hadn’t dragged Mai out to the store and just gone tomorrow when the sun was out, we could have been more careful and so would other people. Maybe I can’t know that for sure, maybe I can, but all I can agree on right now is that James’s right. God was looking out for me and Mai, and we’re alive right now because of Him and it’s a blessing to be alive right now.

I lean back a little and touch my forehead to James’s, wanting to be as close to him as possible right now. “Te amo mi amor.”

He cups my cheek and presses his lips to mine, “I love you too.”

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5 minutes after James and I went back inside, the CAT scan results came back and Mai was discharged. Once Mai signed the papers, Jon said his goodbyes, leaving James with Mai and I.

“Okay, so both of you have been given enough medication that should help with any pain, but if it becomes bothersome you can take some more pain medicine. Other than that, I’d like for the both of you to take tomorrow off from work and other strenuous or stressful activities so your shock can dissipate. Both of your CAT scans show no area for concern, but we’d like for the both of you to come back within the next couple of days, preferable the 1st or 2nd to get a good look at you both again to confirm this.” Mai’s doctor says to us.

We both nod and he leaves, telling us to give him a call to set up our appointment.

I take a deep breath and rub my eyes, aware of how sleepy I’ve become.

“You guys should get home, it’s late.” James says.

Mai looks at me, “Well, it’s not like it matters, we’re being forced to take tomorrow off.”

I grin and nod, “Yeah.”

“I’ll give you guys a ride home.” James offers.

Normally I’d object, but given the circumstances, I was in no position to. We walked out of the hospital and climbed in James’s car. Mai sat in the backseat so she could call her family and let them know what happened, so I sat in the passenger seat up in the front with James.

The whole ride I didn’t want to look outside, and every time he braked I could feel my insides turning in fear. I tried to tell myself that we were going to be okay, but it was getting to be harder every single time. James must have sensed this because he started driving a bit slower and braking softer. After what seemed like forever, we finally got to Mai and I’s place.

I opened the door to get out as did Mai but James asked us to wait.

“I know that this could come off as a weird question on so many levels, but I’m going to be honest, this is more of a thing for me than it is for you.” He looks at me. “If it’s okay, I really want to sleep here…with you.”

Heat rose into my cheeks and my heart started pounding. It’s not like it’s the first time that James and I would fall asleep together, but this seemed so different. For his sake, he was asking, his eyes begging to spend the night here with me. After all that happened today, I wouldn’t want it any other way, but it’s not up to me.

I look over at Mai, “It’s your house, your rules, so it’s your call.”

She glances at me then looks at James. “You’re always welcome, just maintain your respect and we’ll be all good.”

James’s face flushed in relief. “Thanks Mai.”