He Didn’t Miss a Thing. And Yet, What Do I Do With My Baby?

Finding the balance between professional and personal life is a challenge for any professionally active person, the strong interest in competitiveness and profit can imperceptibly unbalance the relationship between energy invested in work and family and personal life concerns.

Many professionally active people who have children choose to consider that they are successfully fulfilling their parental role if they provide them with everything they need in terms of material needs: meals, home, gifts, possibly vacations, classes, or extracurricular activities. most of the time with others, not in the family) and others of this kind.

In this context, it is often the case that the emotional needs of children are neglected and the physical time spent with them is very short. In his natural attempt to be well and to take away from himself the things he needs for his development, the child or adolescent will develop behaviors and attitudes "fighting" with the parent to gain his time and attention.

Why is this happening?

To understand the mechanisms of these behaviors, we must explain the importance of attachment in the evolution of the parent-child relationship. In the young child, the feeling of emotional security and the ability to calm down are exclusively related and determined by the relationship with the parent, the attachment figure, or the mother (in the case of the baby).

From preschool to adolescence, the child begins to self-regulate emotionally, partly according to himself and based on his abilities, partly through his parents. However, when they are missing, the child feels a void, a lack of protection (emotional, sometimes, and otherwise), and his attempts to solve this difficult situation appear. Some children develop self-aggressive behaviors, while others develop hostile attitudes toward the environment or others.

Specifically, at that moment two forces collide:

• on the one hand, the child's determination to get what he needs (as he understands it, most of the time through unhealthy ways)

• on the other hand, that of the parent, who wants everything that is best for his child. Many times, however, the parent omits the signals from him and does not understand exactly what the child needs and gives him what he thinks he needs.

• As a parallel, it is as if the child is thirsty and wants a glass of water, and the parent brings him a jar of honey, offered so that the parent knows what benefits it has for health. It will be difficult for the child to accept it because honey is not the solution to his need. At the same time, he will face a state of confusion (because honey is good in taste and should like it), especially since the offer comes from the parent, the person who represents "his pillar of safety". The parent is also confused because he strives to give the best to the child, but he does not seem to appreciate it.

What can parents do in such situations?

To accurately understand the source of the child's unwanted behavior, it is very important to connect with him, to have access to his inner universe. Everything the child does (or does not do) is determined by his attempt to satisfy a need or to express an experience.

Once we identify this, things get much simpler. And the gateways to the restlessness and unmet needs of the child that the parent can use are diverse:

Establishing a trusting relationship with the child - he should feel that he can rely on the parent and that he can support him in overcoming any difficulty.

Cultivating open communication, appropriate for the child's age - he should know that he can talk to the parent at any time, that he can come to him when he needs to, to receive support. At the same time, the parent must show openness and ensure the child's access to his world, to be with him.

Patience to explore with the child the source of unwanted behavior. Disobedience, disobedience, an angry/difficult temperament can hide great suffering of the child and an inability of the child to access and express it directly. The parent must come to meet his or her attempt to be heard.

Correct information and work with one's person, to better understand one's role as a parent. This can be done through parental counseling, personal development, empowerment processes, or psychotherapy. They come as support in very difficult or exhausting times.

For example, it is extremely difficult to deal with the child's anger, sadness, and time to express it, especially when associated with violent behavior. What is the limit where he should be stopped from hitting, how much should be insisted on questions about the child's negative condition - these are challenges that put parents in difficulty and can be worked with specialized help - psychologist or psychotherapist.

Providing quality time to the child. And this means not only being with him, but also playing together, in which the parent is involved, or various age-appropriate activities - whether they are housework or fun. All this comes in response to the child's need for growth and development, to be with the parent, to be guided, guided, accepted, content, loved.

Providing a pattern of behavior desired even by the parent. For example, the illustration of healthy ways to release frustration, such as by playing sports, hitting a ball, or even by beating a pillow, in which only the pillows hit each other, not hitting the body.

Providing a healthy model for resolving conflicts with others, which the parent should promote. For example, the conflict in the couple - it is desirable that there are no quarrels in front of the child, but he must also see ways to relieve the tension between the parents, which he can take as models to use in situations of conflict with others.

It is also very important for the parent to be aware and connected to what he is doing or saying because many children do nothing but mirror his various manifestations. So, most often, the answer to the question "What do I do with my child? Don't listen to me at all, what will be chosen for him? "Can be found in parents and in the way they build the relationship with their child. At least as a starting point.