Growing up in Grief - Part 3: All Aboard

“It’s been three months, aren’t you over it, yet?!”

First off, I have a colourful response that question. An aunt of mine once asked me that. A callous question to ask a fourteen year old kid who just lost her mother. The thirty-something adult writing this today can still taste the sourness that left in my mouth over twenty years ago.

Since that day, I’ve been obsessed with “getting over it”. Hyper-focused on whether or not what I was experiencing was normal. In hindsight, that was single-handedly one of the most damaging comments anyone has ever said to me in my life. For many reasons it was unfair, uncalled for and confusing. Disregard my general contempt for how that made me feel at the time (and admittedly quite obviously, still), I’ve always wondered is there actually a “reasonable” amount of time to overcome grief?

I wish I had known then what I know now about the whole ordeal. So, if you’re going through this and are left bewildered, let me highlight a few key points about grief you need to know about before prescribing to timelines. Knowing these will help you set realistic expectations for yourself. Take it from me, the last thing you need is to be hard on yourself based on misconceptions and least importantly, other people’s opinions (mine included). It’s hard enough without beating yourself up.

Grief – The Coles Notes:

It’s a personal evolution.

It’s not a linear process.

It’s never-ending.

It’s not a twelve step program but more like an uphill climb amongst ravines and plateaus.

It’s a journey of many things but, it’s yours alone.

Losing a loved one changes you irreversibly to some extent.

Like losing a limb, you will learn to adapt without it.

Accepting and adjusting to that change is the hardest part.

You can’t control other people’s feelings or support (or lack thereof).

Unfortunately, not everyone will empathize with you or will be willing to listen.

Emotions, especially unglamorous ones, make people (really) uncomfortable.

Most people won’t have a hot clue what you’re going through.

You will find out who your friends are when times get tough.

You can’t expect more than what people can understand or give.

You might have moments of introversion, feel anti-social or generally not be able to “people” and guess what? That’s totally ok.

Emotions are sometimes unpredictable, overwhelming and intense.

Never feel ashamed of how you feel; you don’t owe anyone apologies for that.

It’s ok to take time to process.

It’s ok to ask for help.

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach or a cure all (I’m sorry, I wish there was).

Most importantly, there are no timelines, no expiration dates or milestones. Grief never really ends, it just evolves with time. At first, it’s quite intense, but thankfully, it tends to decrease as years go by. It’s like living by a railway track. When you first move there you can’t sleep at night because it’s so loud. It makes the house shake and drives you insane. It makes you justifiably irritable. Over time, without you even noticing, it fades into background noise and before you know it, you’re sleeping soundly. Every now again, you might wake up when the conductor sounds the horn at 3am, but your petulance is short-lived and you can generally fall back asleep without much thought.

Losing someone you love is hard, it’s emotionally draining, it throws you off… It’s a game changer and a life delineator. There is no doubt about that and one thing is for sure, it can become all too cumbersome pretty quickly. The transition back into an even-keeled existence can make even a Tibetan monk lose patience. Self-doubt can settle in and you start questioning yourself.

When will I start to feel like myself again?

Why can’t I just get over this?

Am I weak?

Why can’t I shake this?

Am I supposed to be taking this long to heal?

Is this normal?

… When will this end?

Here’s the truth, time doesn’t matter. You can’t put a value or pressure on “when you should be over it”. For one, that’s a myth and two, it creates false hope. You will “get over it” on your own terms, in your own time. If you put a timeline to it, you will be disappointed with the results, I guarantee it. You know that song, “You can’t hurry love, you’ll just have to wait”? Grief is exactly like that because grief’s primary ingredient is love.

Furthermore, this implicit societal notion that implies we should “get over” losing someone is 100% Grade A hogwash. It also insinuates that there must be a timeline. The idea that you should no longer feel grief after a period of time is not only naïve but shows a precarious lack of comprehension that could have serious repercussions. I really think that notion was created by someone who either had never experienced grief first-hand or was an expert at burying emotions as though they don’t exist. Or as I like to call it, “emotional ostrich-ing”. It’s easier to pretend it doesn’t exist. I get it. Grief is complex, messy and grim – so, I can understand why someone might not be enthusiastic about dealing with it. Same reason why a blog like this isn’t overly popular… I’m not writing about DIY home renovations or glitter bath bombs.

I might be oversimplifying it but, treating grief like an assignment with a due date is setting people up for failure. It’s an unrealistic expectation to impose on someone or on yourself. Grief doesn’t abide by timelines. The faster you can accept that, the better and the more successful you’ll be in the long run.

I spent way too much time giving myself a hard time for allowing myself to grieve past the imaginary “expiry date”. All it did was create another menu of insecurities, negative feelings, guilt and self-loathing. Because I was made to believe that I wasn’t supposed to feel sadness anymore, I just pretended it wasn’t an issue and kept stuffing those emotions in the closet… Eventually, the closet burst at the hinges. It only sets you back further behind, not to mention the potential collateral damage is staggering. It’s like when you tell your significant other that you’ve stopped drinking but you keep drinking in secret. When that secret comes out… It hurts everybody. Hiding doesn’t mean something isn’t real. Let me save you the hardship if I can on this one… Deal with your emotions as they come, one day at a time. It’s not fun, that’s a promise, but worth it.

However, this is not to be confused with closure. Closure and grief are related but they aren’t synonymous. You can have found closure, moved on and still experience moments of grief. Especially, if that person was important to you. It’s ok to miss someone you love. It’s ok to experience grief for that person through life. You shouldn’t feel shame or accept being shamed from anyone for that.

That being said, there is such a thing as unhealthy levels of grief. While the grieving process is natural and can be quite cathartic, the difference between “healthy grief” and “unhealthy grief” is the long term effects on your life and health. Healthy grief stems from a place of acknowledgement and acceptance – passed the initial shock and sadness of losing someone. Like the midnight train, it eventually transitions into the background of life and doesn’t interfere in detrimental ways.

Unhealthy grief affects your ability to function, leads people down paths of destructive behavior, emotional instability and can truly deviate someone’s life. It becomes chronic. It becomes you. I would encourage grief counselling for anyone experiencing loss. However, I would urge it if it’s verging on the unhealthy side because chances are unaware to what extent it may be affecting your health, your life and your loved ones around you. Always keep a pulse on those emotions, they can take you for quite the ride.

Please, take the time you need to mend your heart and soul.

Please, reach out for help if you feel you need it.

You might feel like you lost a part of yourself when you lost your loved one, but I assure you, you are not alone. We’ll be here when you need us, on your own time.