Gifts for the Mourned

Today, I did something that might seem nonsensical to some but felt necessary to me: I bought a Christmas gift for my deceased mother. I was acting on a dream that I had in which I bought a dragon-shaped ring for my mother, even though I knew that she was gone. Although it was just a dream, I felt as though I had to do it in real life, to get a dragon-shaped ring to put on the chain around her urn alongside her engagement and wedding rings. So, I found the perfect Maleficent dragon ring on Zales and bought it immediately. Even though I know that she will never see it, something tells me that my mother would love it.

Now, in the back of my mind, I know that this seems like a silly thing to do. Buy a Christmas present for someone who just died? It just does not make sense. But I realized, it is really no different than laying flowers on a grave. It is about showing love, reverence, and respect for the dead…or is it?

The tradition of laying flowers on a grave dates back to the Ancient Greeks, who would do it in the hopes that the flowers would take root, showing that the soul has passed on peacefully. Similar traditions have risen through the years, from creating memorial flower crosses to placing stones and rocks or coins on headstones (https://www.milanomonuments.com/blog/cemetery-symbolism-the-meaning-behind-common-grave-memento). Each tradition has its own meaning and its own origins, but they all have something in common: we are giving something to the dead. Supposedly, it is to show our love, our reverence, and our respect, but I wonder, is that the real reason behind us doing this? Or is there a deeper psychological reason for us doing these things?

When we give a gift to the dead, we are keeping their memory alive for us. We are keeping them alive in our hearts and minds, even as our memories of them begin to fade. We also feel as though we are continuing to show our love for them and are not forgetting them, thus easing any guilt we might have by moving on with our lives. The specific gift that we choose to leave for them—even if it is just the kind of flower that we decide to leave on their grave—also proves to ourselves that we remember them more than we believe that we do. It is not about the superstitions of old or about how we treat the dead; it is about how we feel regarding how we are handling our loved one’s death.

This might seem like a cynical perspective to take on such a beautiful tradition, but it is not meant to be. Instead, it is a way to rationalize what might otherwise seem to be based in old, outdated superstitions. Yes, we can say that this act is about showing our loved ones that we still think about them and love them. That is not changed by what I have said. Rather, there is a personal, psychological level to these traditions as well. They help us to heal and to move on as well. They let us know that it is all right to keep on with our lives because we have not truly let go of the people that we have lost; instead, we hold them in our hearts and our minds.

Not everything we do regarding someone’s death has to be selfless. Some things can be to help ourselves heal from the loss. My mother might see the ring that I got her in spirit, but even if she does not, I will be happy knowing that I got her something that she would have liked because I did it to carry on her memory. And that is good enough for me.