Ghosting You, Ghosting Me: Here’s Why You Shouldn’t Care Either Way

You know those people who ghost you and leave you heartbroken, wondering what you did wrong, and in dire need of closure?

I’m one of them.

And I’m here to explain what things are like on the other side of ghosting and what you can do to feel better if it happens to you.

This weekend I accidentally met a friend who I ghosted a few years back.

There I was, minding my own business, mindlessly looking through the isles of the supermarket for those crunchy fried onions that you can put on top of everything, when I hear in a soft whiny tone:

‘Mona, OMG!’

I didn’t recognize the voice, but it stopped me in my tracks.

As an introvert, the last thing you want is to be addressed while you’re quietly minding your own business in your sweatpants, sporting your unkempt weekend persona.

But when the one doing the addressing is someone you ghosted, you need to get ready for your world to turn to dust in front of your eyes.

The day of reckoning had finally come.

I planted my feet firm in the ground and I could feel the skin on my face turn into stone and my gaze into steel, as she launched into a series of accusations and reproaches peppered with the word ‘unfair’, ‘we were good friends’. ‘how could you’, etc.

When she eventually uttered the words ‘it would have been nice to…’, I finally stopped her.

And gave her the closure she was waiting for.

Here’s why I ghosted her:

She was a talking machine. I couldn’t get a word in.

I told her several times that I needed a space in the conversation, otherwise, it was just her doing a monologue on a stage with one spectator: me.

She would say ok but revert to vomiting words in about 10 minutes.

She had an alcohol problem. That was no reason in itself, but it made her do some awful things.

For example, when she broke up with her boyfriend and had no place to go, I told her it was ok to live with me for a while, while she was looking for rent.

She only stayed for a week, but it felt like a month.

She was constantly drinking beer and filled the kitchen and living room with empty beer cans and paper handkerchiefs. Instead of throwing them directly into the trash, she would just leave them lying around.

It’s a lifestyle, I guess, and while I have nothing against people living in squalor in their own homes, I do want to keep my own clean.

That was the least of the problems, though.

One evening I went out to dinner at a fancy restaurant and by the time I came back (at around 11 PM), she had already fallen asleep drunk on the couch and had forgotten the keys in the door.

I couldn’t get in. I kept ringing the bell, calling her phone, and knocking on the door. At the same time, I desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

Finally, after about 45 minutes of me going crazy outside my own apartment door, she finally woke up and opened the door.

She apologized and I let it be. It can happen to anyone, right? It wasn’t her fault.

The next day, I was going out to meet some friends in the evening. I asked her to come along so she wouldn’t stay home alone since she was going through a breakup. She agreed.

As soon as we got there she started guzzling down beers and asking one of the guys at the table to take her home with him.

It was embarrassing as hell to everybody involved. Eventually, the guy couldn’t take it anymore, so he excused himself and left, but another guy took advantage of the situation and asked her if it was ok to come home to her place.

She agreed and there they were, doing it on my couch, as I was sleeping in the bedroom.

These were just the tip of the iceberg.

There were a ton of other small examples that nobody should have to put up with: like how we always had to do what she wanted to do. Or how she laughed at me for living in the bad part of town. Or how she called my American friends dirty because ‘didn’t you know all Americans are dirty?’.

No, I didn’t. And no, they’re not.

There are a ton of other examples and I told her about a lot of them.

You know what her reply was?

‘When did I do that?!…’

That was the moment when I turned on my heels and left.

It was the perfect answer that told me that explaining my reasons or ghosting her would have had the same effect.

She has no interest in doing better. She has an interest in drowning the outside world in alcohol. Even if she thought something she was doing was wrong, she would never make that effort.

I already told her several times I wasn’t ok with her behavior while we were close. She didn’t do anything about it while we were together and she wasn’t going to do anything after I was gone. So what was the point? It was just a waste of words.

People who are presented with an uncomfortable truth will more often than not react by protecting their denial, so what’s the point in telling it anyway?

That’s what things look like on the ghoster’s side.

What are you supposed to do when ghosted? You’re supposed to move on!

Somebody ghosted me badly one time. He was my boyfriend. We had been living together for the past 7 months.

One afternoon when I came home from work, I found the house empty. He had taken all his things from the closets and had just vanished.

It was a shocking, gut-wrenching experience. Because he hadn’t said anything about it. Not a word that something was wrong. Not a hint that he’d rather things changed.

He just disappeared.

It was awful. I was desperate. I needed closure. For about a month I couldn’t sleep, eat or do anything.

And then, a down-to-earth friend of a friend gave me this little nugget of wisdom that will stay with me for the rest of my life:

‘Stop waiting for closure, it won’t help you. He doesn’t owe you anything. It’s his life and his choices. He did what he felt was best for him. People are who they are. They don’t owe you explanations and being nice to you.’

These were the words that knocked me back into my power.

He was right. Yes, leaving like that was shitty.

But he chose what was best for him. Like we all do. If you’re lucky, you get the ones for whom their best happens to also be your best. It’s the only difference between the good guys and the jerks.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have expectations. Definitely have expectations and see who can fulfill them. Those are your people.

You can’t force anybody to be what you want them to be. And judging them for not meeting your standards is useless.

If they’re not what you want them to be, ask for what you want, see if you get it and if not, leave.

Ghosting is not the issue. Accepting people for what they are is.

Also, make sure you pee when you leave the restaurant. You never know who locks you out of your own home!

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