Ghosted

You’d never know our bodies have ever shared a common place. You’d never know we’d tasted each other's sweat. You’d never know we made promises in closets of random remodels or slept together on cold basement floors. You’d never know we laughed about life and got stupid high just because we could. You’d never know we'd snuck around like teenage kids for nearly 4 years yet we were no secret to those who knew us best. You’d never know we’ve ever even said “Hello” let alone “I love you.” To anyone who didn’t know any better – you and I would appear to be complete strangers. And that makes my heart hurt more than you will ever know.

I will never understand why you’ve chosen to abandon me in the most brutal and hurtful way you possibly could. Your silence has dug a hole of emptiness from which I cannot escape from no matter how hard I try. These last 6 months have offered no healing, no closure, no comfort, no validation, nothing but a daily reminder of how bad it hurts to miss someone so much knowing my pain simply does not matter at all to you. Alone has taken on a whole new level of loneliness. Looking back now, I feel so ashamed and humiliated for all of the things that I tried to do for you. I must have looked like such a stupid fool in your eyes. I just want to wake up and rid myself from this misery. But every day ends the same as the one before. I can’t close my eyes without seeing yours. I sit in silence and yet I can still hear your voice. I don’t know what I have done to deserve this or what I can do to make it go away. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to erase you the way you’ve erased me.

Why would you let me love you all this time if you knew I meant so little to you? Was hurting me your goal the entire 4 years? Was it some kind of personal challenge to see how long you could play with my head? I’m wanting so badly to understand any of this. If it was all just some casual meaningless sex – why didn’t you just say so - instead of saying that you loved me - instead of making me believe we were actually friends? I trusted you. Now I can't even trust my own feelings. I don't know what is real anymore. I feel like I have been clothes-lined and the pain just grows deeper as the days pass. I'm trying to accept that you never really loved me. I can’t imagine being so heartless to anyone let alone someone that I considered my friend. But there I go again – thinking I was ever actually your friend. Was I? Or was I really just a complete clown all these years? I feel less than pathetic. I truly hope abandoning me with such brutal disregard has served some satisfying purpose in your life.

Anyway, I will let you get back to your life. Didn’t mean to interrupt. I just thought you should know that while you’ve moved on without even a second thought over these last 6 months– I’m still struggling to make it through a day. It’s not fair. It’s not right. Does that even matter at all to you? I’m guessing it does not. Who knows, maybe one day you’ll find a moment to spare and if nothing else, humor me with a legitimate goodbye.