Functional Wellness: I Tried to Become ‘That Girl’ and Just Ended Up Sore and Slightly Ashamed.

There’s a girl online. You’ve seen her.

She wakes up at 5 a.m. without an alarm. Her bed is made with hospital-corner precision. She journals with perfect handwriting. She does yoga while her matcha steams quietly in the background. She is that girl.And like every impressionable millennial with an internet connection and a

vague sense of dissatisfaction, I thought:

“I can be that girl.”

Spoiler: I absolutely could not.

What I could be was sore, overwhelmed, and trapped under the emotional weight of my new vision board. But hey—what’s functional wellness without a few existential crises?

Day 1: Wake Up With the Birds (and Instant Regret)

First up: wake up at 5:00 a.m.

Not just “open your eyes and groan”, but leap out of bed like a joyful forest nymph. That girl never snoozes. She glides into her day.

So I downloaded a “gentle sunrise alarm app. ” It promised to wake me with birdsong and light therapy.

What I got was a robotic sparrow screeching at me in the pitch-black dark.

I tripped over my yoga mat, stubbed my toe on a Himalayan salt lamp, and declared war on the sun. Functional? No. Furious? Yes.

Day 2: Gut Health is a Scam (Probably)

Breakfast time. That girl eats probiotic-rich yoghurt with chia seeds and fermented blueberries she harvested herself (probably). I tried to copy her gut-healing bowl of joy.

It tasted like sadness and lawn clippings.

I added honey. I added peanut butter. I added hope. Nothing helped. My gut was unimpressed and sent a formal complaint to my taste buds.

By 10 a.m., I caved and ate an Eggo waffle straight from the freezer like a raccoon in crisis. Functional wellness: 1. Me: -12.

Day 3: Journaling My Descent Into Madness

Next, I journalled. That Girl writes daily gratitude affirmations and self-love mantras. Her notebooks are aesthetic masterpieces.

Mine? Looked like a crime scene.

I spilt oat milk on it. My pen exploded. I wrote “I’m grateful for caffeine and forgiving friends” 17 times because it’s all I could think of. At one point, I accidentally doodled a crying banana.

Was I centred? No. But I was trying. And isn’t that what functional wellness is about? (Please say yes. I need this.)

Day 4: Yoga and Humiliation

Time for yoga.

I found a video titled “10-Minute Morning Flow for Radiant Energy”. The instructor looked like she floated instead of walked.

I, on the other hand, creaked like a haunted Victorian floorboard.

My dog watched in horror as I attempted downward dog and collapsed into a position known as “foetal nope”. I pulled something in my back that I didn’t know existed. Possibly a sole muscle.

But I did finish the routine… by lying flat and whispering “namaste” to the ceiling. Progress?

Day 5: Clean Girl Aesthetic, Chaos Goblin Energy

Part of being That Girl is looking effortlessly polished. Slick bun, gold hoops, clear skin that glows like it pays taxes early.

So I tried the clean girl aesthetic.

I used toner. I wore linen. I put on tinted lip balm with confidence. Then I sweated through my outfit while walking to get overpriced green juice and tripped on a kerb in front of a man in Crocs.

He asked if I was okay. I said, “I’m trying to be That Girl.” He said, “I believe in you.” It was the most emotionally supportive moment of my week.

Day 6: Silent Mornings, Loud Thoughts

That girl doesn’t scroll her phone in the morning. She exists in serene stillness.

So I left my phone in the other room and sat in silence with my thoughts.

Bad idea.

My brain:

“Did you pay your electric bill?”

“What is hummus, actually?”

“Remember when you called your 7th grade teacher ‘Mom’?”

After five minutes of spiralling, I broke and watched a video of a duck wearing shoes. Sanity restored.

Day 7: Matcha, Breathwork, and a Nervous Breakdown

Final day. I made matcha. It tasted like pond water, but I told myself it was “earthy”.

Then I did breathwork. Supposedly it reduces stress, boosts clarity, and helps you process emotions.

I processed too many emotions and accidentally cried into my matcha.

I ended the week lying on my yoga mat, sipping emotional pond water, and whispering, “I’m doing my best” to a houseplant named Brenda.

Brenda did not respond. She’s seen things.

What I Learned From Failing to Be That Girl

Here’s the thing: That Girl is a fantasy. A curated collection of vibes, lighting, and spinach smoothies. She’s not a real person. She’s a brand. A Pinterest board with a gym membership.

But functional wellness? That’s real. It’s about finding routines that work for you. Not the internet version of you with a matching pyjama set and a skincare fridge. The real, sweaty, crying-into-matcha you.

So no, I’m not That Girl. But I am this girl:

The girl who tries.

The girl who stretches (badly).

The girl who laughs at her own ridiculous attempts to live an aesthetic life.

The girl who now owns three jars of chia seeds and still doesn’t know what to do with them.

TL;DR:

I tried to be That Girl for a week—waking early, journaling, doing yoga, sipping green things.

I failed spectacularly but gained some great stories and a newfound respect for probiotics.

Functional wellness isn’t about perfection. It’s about doing small things that make you feel like a human again.

And that, my friends, is enough.