Frozen Flight

I feel frozen in time. No longer moving forward or backwards. Everything is frozen in place including myself. But I still feel the panic overwhelming me. It’s threating to spill out. Pop through my chest and run far away from this place. But I can’t move.

I never can when it comes on this strong. I’d almost prefer the other option. But I never get to fly when it comes to this. Run off into the distance and leave all the worries behind. Instead I am nothing more than a caged bird. Except the cage is my own body. When it gets bad, I sometimes wake up frozen in place. Unable to make a sound. To scream for help. And I feel horribly alone. For once, if someone could find me…. Maybe then I’d feel okay.

But my therapist says I can’t build a reliance on someone else. She’s funny that way. Thinking I want someone else to be my safety blanket. It be very inconvenient both to myself and someone else if I need them constantly. I like my personal space too much for that. But every now and then, I wish someone could hold my hand while I’m in the thick of it. Just to remind me that even if I can, I don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t want to pull anyone down with me. At least I wouldn’t ever mean to. I just feel confused is all. When we’re kids they teach us that community is important. How to have helping hands and to be kind to each other. That when we have a problem to talk to someone about it. Sure they often mean an adult. But as soon as we make it pass the magical number that springs us into adulthood. We are alone. Everything becomes your own too. And if you find yourself having a problem, they try and find a cure. As if there is a magic button somewhere inside of me that will make me self sufficient. And well there’s some kind of power in doing it all alone. I wonder if it’s really a good thing?

When did we stop needing a community? And why are there things I can’t expect to have a little help with that isn’t always a capsule with some chemical inside it. Sure it works for the most part. But if a pill was the only solution I needed. Perhaps I would have been cured a long time ago. And I wouldn’t feel so frozen. I wouldn’t feel so wrong for wanting to have some level of human connection that feels meaningful. I suppose I’m just worried that if I don’t justify my want for a company when I feel this low, isn’t me being a burden. That needing my own mental load off my shoulders for a few minutes is okay.

I hit the cancel button for my upcoming appointment. I don’t want to learn another tool today. I don’t want to hear about how so many other people my therapist helps finds writing inspirational, or how I should ground myself by naming colors. She means well. But I’m tired today, and if I don’t have some kind of positive growth, she’ll have those sad puppy dog eyes. And I don’t want to let another person down. Not today. Today I just want to feel sad. Today I just want it to be okay to be a little frozen sometimes.

It's my phone that knocks me back into the world from my thoughts. It wasn’t on silent and the chirp of a message startles me. I look down and see his name.

“Are you sure your okay? I can come over, I really don’t mind.”

I curse as fat tears spill from the corners of my eyes. This is what I wanted. But it feels wrong to let someone in. Not when I’m frozen….

But maybe once I could let myself fly.