From Leonine to Asinine

It’s been years since I even thought about my horoscope. Raised in a very religious household (my father was a Gideon - you know - the people who put Bibles in hotel rooms), I was taught to shun anything - especially of celestial origins - that instructed me about how to live. Now, in this age of digital media, we’re subjected to a barrage of ads telling us how to live our lives - what to wear, what to eat, what not to eat, what to drive, who to love, et cetera, et cetera. Who needs a horoscope? Just turn on the TV.

But today, I’ll risk the headache and take a look at what the stars say about me. I am a Leo - born July 26 (never mind the year). Leos are supposed to be confident, ambitious, protective of those they love most, and sunny. My family and my therapist would probably ask me to “aspire to” those traits - in the “be-the-change-you-want-to-see" kind of way. However, I do embody some elements on that list. But, let’s start with the ways I differ from that sign.

Confident. I have to laugh because I am one of the least confident people on the planet. Just about everything makes me nervous. Once I’m nervous, I begin to question everything. When I hear about a hit-and-run on the news, I think through my day to make sure I wasn’t on that side of town - seriously. I could never take a lie-detector test. Let’s say I was out of the country when a crime was committed, but somehow I was brought in for questioning - I’d still fail the stupid test! Being questioned makes me question myself.

Sunny? Nope. My mind goes from “zero-to-unhinged” in less than 10 seconds. I see the downside in everything. Can’t get my daughter on the phone? I check the internet for accidents in her locale. Someone is quiet? I worry about how I’ve offended them-consequently, I do an inordinate amount of apologizing. Ever had the feeling that you were worried about something but couldn’t recall what it was? The healthy person says, “Oh well” and goes on with their lives. Not me! I spend the next hour worrying about why I was worried.

Ambitious - meh - at times. I have GREAT IDEAS and very poor follow-through. Actually, it turns out that laziness is a weakness found in Leos, so score one for the horoscope. When I was young - when dinosaurs walked the earth and there was no cable TV, my sisters and I had one annual event that we loved - The Jerry Lewis MDA Labor Day Telethon. Each telethon lasted about 21 hours and featured a veritable cornucopia of performers. It was vaudevillian entertainment at its finest. In between performances, Mr. Lewis invited out individuals and organizations who’d raised money for muscular dystrophy. They’d talk about the lengths they went to to raise funds for this worthy organization and then, they’d present Mr. Lewis with their oversized check. At this point, the orchestra began the familiar refrain of “What the World Needs Now” as the board revealed its new total. It was always exciting to see the generosity of others. When I was about 12 or 13 years old, I wanted to host an MDA carnival in my back yard. I could imagine the games, the prizes, and the food I could sell to make money for the telethon. I even envisioned making a rollercoaster out of material that was in the shed. I’m not sure why I didn’t do it. Rollercoaster aside, it was a doable plan. But you see, I was the middle child - the “Jan” between the “Marsha” and “Cindy.” I think that one fact rid me of any leonine qualities I might have had. Always the unpopular one, I lived in a world of my own and seldom shared my ideas. I do regret that I never tried - both for the children it would’ve helped and for the child I wish I’d been.

The one trait that best resembles me has to do with being overprotective. I am a Mama Bear with only one child- well an adult child. I hate being the parent of an adult child - you have all of the worry with none of the authority! She’s an ambitious young lady - currently in a doctorate program so, hey - I’ve done something right. I’ve gone to the mat (verbally) for my daughter - with teachers, principals, karate instructors, and vile little boys. Several years ago, my daughter went to South America for about 5 months. Initially, I did quite well.I told myself, “She’s part of program. She’s got a host mom. She’ll be just fine.” Everything was fine - until I couldn’t reach her for over three days. I searched her Facebook posts for clues and messaged anyone who was also on this trip. I contacted her friends in the U.S. to see if they’d spoken to her. I got so nervous, I was seriously considering buying a plane ticket for Bolivia when I finally got a call from her. Boy, was she angry with me. She and some friends had gone for an extended weekend to the Salt Flats (you know, where they filmed "The Last Jedi" ), which had no cell service. Apparently, her phone “blew up” as soon as she was back in range- messages from me, from family, from friends all with the same directive - “CALL YOUR MOTHER.” I felt awful, but it couldn’t be helped. It’s my protective nature. I’d like to think all mothers have this trait but I’ve had friends who’ve literally thrown their kids out of the house when they turned 18. Mine is 27 and I’d do just about anything she needed to make sure she was alright.

Am I a Leo? I’ve got a bit of a “roar” when I need it. I can be bold but prefer to be behind the scenes. I may not be confident, but I’m always concerned. While I may seem dysfunctional to many, I’ve learned to live it because I recognize that it comes from wanting to do what’s right. So I can live with the angst and my general neuroses because I can be who I need to be - regardless of what my horoscope says.