Forgiving

Forgiving Us by Mr. Darek Michael Lucero

Slamming the front door I could feel my anger vibrate through the house. The memory of us ‘fighting’ earlier in the day was all I could live.

Me yelling and the hurt look on your face were etched in my mind.

Thinking about what led to our verbal boxing match I was deflated with self-deprecating disappointment. I began to shed enraged tears. I realized how much my outburst pained you. I could feel your disappointment.

Sitting down at the kitchen table I looked around our house.

I could remember the day we closed on this place. How we had toured countless dwellings and neighborhoods until we found THE perfect one. I surveyed the items we purchased together to create a homey space for us to build our life together. Each piece of memory hanging carefully and loving placed about. Even the wall colors we chose reflected the joy we shared about finally celebrating us as a bonafide couple...cohabitation.

Today...I felt less like a man and more like a monster. I did the very thing I promised I would not do... I used words to harm you. I might have just as well struck you across the face for the look your eyes held. That kind of pain is one I had seen numerous times reflected in my own visage in relationships past.

Wondering what the remainder of the day and week would be...I heard your key turn in the door. Before I could react you opened the door, put your stuff down, and scooped me up in an immense hug. I was stunned.

As you pulled me in tighter... I started to cry. I felt your tears fall to my skin.

For what seemed like eternity we stayed in this embrace. Silently you led me to the couch, sat, and pulled me into you. Stroking my hair like you do when holding me after my night terrors you began to speak in a voice I never heard from you.

“I aggravated you. I wounded you. I don’t know how to correct this or make it right. So, please let me finish before you respond.”

Without hesitation I returned the intensity of your embrace.

“I remember before we became exclusive how you explained your hesitation about responding to me when I’m hurt or angry about anything. I recall how you do not like to confront anyone when you feel attacked. I forgot.”

“I…”

“Please let me finish…” through gritted teeth.

I sucked in my words.

“When I would fight with my exes...we would do more than just use words and facial expressions to argue...we would use whatever was necessary to make sure the other ‘knew and felt’ pain. With you I have to remember you don’t fight. You use words.”

I began to sob louder as my body shook.

“By the look on your face earlier I thought I had destroyed you and us.”

“Babe, it’s going to take more than words for you to get rid of me. I lived through ALS, remember.”

I began to chuckle at your retort. Next thing I knew we were both laughing uncontrollably. It was all I could do to keep breathing. I was laughing that hard.

I saw you visibly relax.

“I bought a bottle of wine.”

“I fucking brought home a case. It’s in my car. Will you help me bring it in?”

“Of course.”

“Babe...I…”

“Robin, please...don’t say it.”

“Why…”

“I’ve said it takes two to fight.”

“I know.”

“How about we two make up.”

“Wait...but…”

“If by the third glass of wine you still feel the need to apologize I will let you apologize.”

“Okay…”

“But, I want you to apologize while cooking with me in our kitchen our favorite meal.”

“You didn’t!”

“I did.”

Thinking about the first time we prepared a meal and cooked it in a kitchen I purchased the ingredients in addition to the wine. I had hoped we could work out the disagreement with reminding each other what we valued most in us...our ability to accomplish love in any given fallacy by cooking together.

Before I could head towards the kitchen you grabbed my hand and turned me around to look at you. Always looking up into your face was one of the reasons I treasured our height difference. You placed your hands on my cheeks and gazed at me with those sparkling eyes that never cease to steal my breath.

“You know I love you…” before leaning in to kiss me.

“I know I love you.” returning your kiss.

“Let’s get to that food.”

“I want to linger in this for a bit longer.”

(sigh)